Your Problem, Not Mine.

June 29, 1994

Dear Bethy,

Hi. Today we had a photo call for "Sound of Music". It went very well. First I met three really nice interns AND I got to have Jeff Landen put his hand on my shoulder. Jeff Landen is a very talented actor who I find very nice. I think I like him.

Tomorrow I have a rehearsal from 130-430. Cathy's going to have to be alone for three hours. I feel so bad for her. I mean if I was at her beach house and she had to go somewhere for three hours I would be boiling mad. Cathy doesn't seem too mad, but she's unpredictable. I think she's trying very hard to hide her disappointment. Oh well. Its her problem, not mine. That sounds rude but at this time and place acting is the most important thing in my life. Even more important than friends (sorry Cathy!)

Today me, Cathy and my brother played Monopoly. Cathy and I won (actually I think I won but it would be rude to say that). For dinner tonight we're having Annie's Pasta (yum!) and salad (yuck!)

Love,

Corey

WOW I think highly of myself. I mean honestly, I take myself so seriously. I'm all "worried" about Cathy when in reality I have to imagine Cathy was downright EXCITED to get a three hour break from me. I would be. Not only am I a professional actress who is prioritizing her career, I am also a Monopoly prodigy. AND i'm so modest that I let Cathy think she's helped me win. Sigh. It's hard being so wonderful.

Oh and Jeff will probably reappear. My crush on him is ongoing, though in retrospect there's pretty much NO chance he was actually straight. My desire for boys who have zero interest in me is pretty fucking strong at this point. Older men, gay men, boys who have TOLD me they aren't interested.... I love them all.

Mixed Up Volumes.

Below, I begin an exciting writing project where I write journal entries from the point of view of inanimate objects. Hilarity and Humiliation ensue.

June 27, 1994

From the Mixed up Volumes of Quarty Quarter's Green Journal

Dear Journal,

Hello. This is my first journal entry. Today was quite exciting. First this rough bumpy hand took me out of this cloth covering (I think it's called a purse) I was beginning to call home. I was put into a plastic bag, I bounced and jumped around with some other coins. I met this really cute penny (her name was Penny). We danced for three hours. She even kissed me. She is such a beautiful copper color. She was new, from 1993. Then I was separated from my darling Penny and into a smoother hand with nails called Jen. While Penny pas taken into the rough bumpy hand called Sam. Jen took me and put me into an old wrinkled hand called Mrs. Cramm. I heard some dings, and a drawer opened and I was dropped into a metal box with a clink. That's where I found you, Dear Journal. You are such a funny green color and those numbers bug me but I still trust you.

Sincerely,

Quarty Qaurter

This entry is followed by Spoonoe Spoon's Journal, and Forkster Fork's Journal. I don't know who came up with this idea (GENIUS) but it seems both Cathy and I are writing these little entries in our journals. In fact, we are seemingly obsessed with finishing our current journals so we can buy new ones. This means we both must write ten pages a day for the next week. A grueling pace. Apparently I have been a workaholic since I was in elementary school. which is either great or unbelievably depressing.

As for the actual content above? I mean come on. I think it speaks for itself....

People Don't Like Being Called Egomaniacs.

June 26, 1994

Dear Bethany,

No offense to Cathy but she has a HUGE ego. She was saying things like "I'm really good at this... I do a good job with that..." Then she did five front flips and then said "well i CAN do ten". oh GOD.

We also played a lot of tennis. A tennis teacher saw us playing and said we were really good and she's going to give us a tennis lessonon Tuesday at 9am. Anyway, tennis was fun but there were tons of bees and Cathy and I are both wicked scared of them.

Guess what?? Even though I still like Patrick (alias: Lame Boy), I'm in love with an older man (about 20) . His name is Brian. He is SO cute. He has blonde hair, blue eyes and glasses... not nerdy glasses, social looking glasses. He is a very good tennis player and he has a twin brother. Brian is also very nice. He always lets my brother hang around with him even though he's a few years older. Isn't that sweet?

A couple things about Cathy: Cathy's favorite animal is a horse. She likes them because they are cool, sweet, adorable, fun to ride on and be with etc. etc. She is probably my most obnoxious friend (besides Allison who I'm in a fight with) For instance, if I say something like "you're so egotistical" a couple things will happen:

1. she'll look at me like i have two heads.

2. she'll go "what's egotistical?" this is annoying for two reasons: she stretches out the "what's", and she makes every syllable in "egotistical" long.

INTERRUPTION: A funny thing just happened. Cathy goes, "wouldn't it be weird if when we were grandparents I found your journal and you found mine?" I agreed, and she said "We'd both be pretty mad because admit it, we both have some bad things about each other in our journals."

Well gotta go cause Dad's here and waiting very impatiently.

Night!

Corey

This is actually an edited down version of this journal entry. Since Cathy liked writing too, we would write every night that she was visiting me in New Hampshire. And it was an unspoken competition to see who would write for the longest, write the most, give up first. So I go on and on for pages in every journal entry this week.

An older man?? Wow. I'm actually pretty disturbed by the way I phrase that. It's kind of icky. And by kind of I mean extremely. But at least he had "social looking glasses". I'm sure there's some sort of fine distinction there. It's certainly an evocative phrase. Like, glasses that allow him to actually socialize and not just be a loser?

Do I have any friends I actually like?? Is there anyone I do NOT have complaints about?? I am so hyper aware of other people's faults. It really sounds miserable. I'm kiiiind of a terrible person at this point, huh?

What I love most is that I bitch about how Cathy reacts to my comment. "You're so egotistical". In what context am I saying this?? Do I understand how mean a comment that is?? Do I take any responsibility for the consequences of arbitrarily telling my friend she's an ego maniac?? The answer, of course, is no. The obnoxious person in this scenario is Cathy. Apparently because of the look she gives me and the way she speaks slowly. With syllables.

At least Cathy tells it like it is-- admitting that we both bitch about each other in our journals. I would LOVE to see what she wrote about me on this trip. I hope that at least in her journal she called me on my bullshit.

Christ, I was one irritable eleven year old.

Modesty and Other Qualities I Totally Posessed.

June 24, 1994

Dear Bethy,

Hi! I'm finally out of school. I'll tell you about it. Ok, when I got to school I didn't have anything to do so Piper and I played cards. Then we got to go to the award assembly. I won a writing award! I was really surprised that Cathy didn't win one. She's not as good as me, but she's good (I'm not bragging, just telling the truth)

Then Piper and I played more cards. Today, Cathy, my dad and my brother and I drove to New Hampshire. When we got up here Cathy and I played cards for a while. Then my brother and his friend-thats-a-girl, Kate (NOT a girlfriend) took us to Ben and Jerry's, an ice cream shop.

Guess what?? I'm auditioning for "Sound of Music"... I hope I get in. Another thing, Allison and I got in a fight over nothing. We haven't made up and we won't see each other until next year.

Love,

Corey

I think I'll address the obvious first: I really AM a better writer than Cathy. I mean, who does that 10 year old bitch think she is? Clearly my essay entitled "From the Mixed Up Volumes of Spoonoe Spoon's Journal" (found later in this very journal!) was GENIUS, and put me HIGH above every other 11 year old writer in the country. I can't go into details, because it will ruin the suspense for when I post it here.

Also, whats up with all the card playing?? Was I running some sort of underground poker scene? (the answer here is yes. I did in fact run a poker group where candy was used as currency. I'm not kidding. That's just how I roll.)

I'm proud of myself. I'm totally focussing on my 11-year-old Career instead of Patrick. Way to go Corey! You are ahead of your time!

Favorite Pen Pal

June 18, 1994

Dear Beth,

Hi! Guess what?

1. You know how Patrick and I have been writing letters? Well in his second to last letter he asked me why I like him. I told him things like he's smart and good looking. And I asked him why he likes me!! He said I'm pretty, funny, smart, nice and a good letter writer. Yes!!

2. Only 4 days of school and 3 days of math.

3. Yesterday I got into fights but I made up with both of them. First I got mad at Piper and Georgia. Here's why: see, Mrs. J's class (us) has been doing little Fractured Fairytales (I'm the Jolly Green Giant) I got mad because at the end of yesterday's performance they gave Mrs. J a flower saying THEY thanked her. I think the whole class should have given her the flower.

Then I got in a fight with Allison because she wouldn't tell me why she was mad at Dani and Cassie.

Love,

Corey

Ah, the pen pal stage with Patrick. So romantic... sort of Victorian of us. Like, we have class together and are in school with only like, 50 other people, but we don't talk... we just communicate through letters, that are delivered by Diana. I mean, its so fancy of us. I probably should have stuck with this guy. Seems we really had a magical connection.

I guess even eleven year old boys fish for compliments... what was he looking for in asking me why I liked him?? And did he know how fervently he was encouraging my crush?? Meanwhile, it gave me the PERFECT opening for asking HIM why he liked ME. (Please note: I only gave him TWO reasons. He gave me FIVE. Success!)

This Fractured Fairytales play really caused a lot of drama. Maybe just for me. I wish everyone in my class had kept journals so I could tell if I was just a really fucking angry eleven year old, or if that was a product of the age. I guess there's no real way to know.

Stay tuned for Corey's SUMMER tales. Exciting!

I Dare You To Figure This Out

June 7, 1994

Dear Bethany,

Hi! Today kind of stunk.

I got in a fight with Allison. I'm kind of mad at Cathy and Georgia. I'M REALLY MAD AT CORRINE.

Okay, I'm mad at Allison and Cathy because Allison doesn't like Farryl and she's telling rumors and she's told lots of people and not me (but Bree DID tell me)

[Ok. Yep. This actually sounds about right. I actually feel some relief when I recognize myself in these entries. I definitely still really hate when I don't know everyone's dirty little secrets. I have no interest in sharing them, I just really really need to know them. So perhaps marks the first fight I actually understand. Allison spread rumors about Farryl and didn't tell me what they were. Bitch. ]

I'm mad at Georgia because I was all mad after our math test and I came in frowning. Georgia goes, "Oh she's just trying to get attention". Then PIPER came in with a frown and Georgia said "Oh, Piper, what's wrong?"

[I'm going to have to take Georgia's side on this one. I am positive I was just trying to get attention. I mean, it sucks that she called me on it, but it's not her fault she was more perceptive than me.]

I'm mad at Corrine because, see, in class we were doing Fractured Fairy Tales. Corrine is the part of Gretl. Yesterday I was bored so I took a script to cue them. I wanted to cue Corrine and at first she said sure, and then she told Georgia SHE could. And she PROMISED me I could do it. Today I went up to Corrine and said "Well can I have your script?" and she had already given it to Georgia!! I got mad and finally Georgia (unwillingly) gave the script to me. Then Corrine said "Well, I think I'll use my script. I'm not quite sure of the lines." then I was watching Hansel and Gretl and saw Corrine WITHOUT her script. So I looked around and guess who had it? RIGHT. GEORGIA.

Love,

Corey

Wow. This last one is a total mystery and took me about an hour to untangle. But i THINK the situation basically boils down to me wanting to run lines with Corrine?? I can't imagine why this was such an interesting prospect to me, but if I had to guess I'd say it had to do with not being cast as Gretl MYSELF, and somehow hoping that feeding Corrine her lines would make me a star? I mean, I can tell you one thing for sure: it certainly wasn't because I actually wanted to help her.

In this same Fractured Fairy Tales play, I had to be a giant. Seriously. At like 4 feet tall, the tiniest person EVER, my teacher I guess decided it was best to go for the joke rather than protect any sensitivity I might have about my tininess. I'm still pissed. I think I'm in a fight with Mrs. J.

Actually, I could never handle this amount of fights in my adult life. I'm tired just reading about it. I mean, was i ever NOT mad at someone? And how many times can i possibly use the word "mad" in one single entry??

Things to think about.

Things I Love; Things I Hate.

Ok. I can't type this one out because it a simply THAT BAD.

But an overview:

I made two lists. Two Top Ten Lists, Letterman style. One of things I love, one of things I hate.

Highlights of the things I love: Luckily, I DO list all three members of my immediate family. They are not tied. In fact, they are quite well spread out across the top ten list. My hampster, Houdini in fact beat some of them. What else beat all THREE family members? Let's take a look at the top five:

#5:Writing (I just love it!)

#4: Books (pick a book, any book)

#3: Tammy (a stuffed bunny I've had since February 20, 1983)

#2: Being in Musicals (singing acting and dancing)

#1: Hippos (so cute... so wonderful)

Um. I just want to reiterate that. HIPPOS are what I love most in the world. More than Patrick, my family or any of my hobbies. And a STUFFED BUNNY also edges out Mom, Dad and my brother. I... feel like a sociopath.

As for the Top Ten things I hate, I'll give you the whole top ten:

#10: winter (YUCK!)

#9: Choices (Diana or Georgia?)

#8: Braces (ouch)

#7: Teeth (what good are they?)

#6: Cassie

#5: Vegetables (gross me out!)

#4: Doctors (This includes dental doctors too)

#3: Being scared (eeeek!)

#2: Fred (Mr. Geek)

#1: War (go away!)

I... wow. Ok first of all, things have changed because winter rules. I just need to get that out there first and foremost. Choices: Diana or Georgia... I wonder what this means? Which one to be best friends with? Which one to kill? The stakes must be pretty high for the choice between the two of them to be on my all time Hate List.

I especially like the Miss America tone I take at the end. The number one thing I hate is war. Wow. Profound.

Actually, I can't comment on this list. I'm still getting over the Things I Love List and the fact that I like my stuffed bunny more than my family. WTF.

Fake Fights. Cause Real Ones Aren't Psycho Enough.

May 24, 1994

Dear Bethy,

Hi! Good news and horrible news.

1. Musical Theatre was great!

2. I feel confident about my social studies test. It was about the Pre-Civil War.

3. Nikki [a new pen pal. During this time I had A LOT of pen pals.] wrote back! She sent her picture. She's overweight but she seems nice, and that's what counts.

Horrible, terrible, no good, very bad news:

Yesterday, Evie and Piper got into a fight. Or at least that's what it was thought to be. See, after Art yesterday, Evie told me that Piper had "done it again" (meaning that Piper was calling her stupid). She was laughing when she said it so I said "Evie, are you SURE? Pink swear you're telling me the truth?" and she PINKY SWORE. Then, today I found out it was just a fake fight. I got mad at them. (I think I had the right to... don't you?)

And after music Evie wrote a note saying they were doing it for fun, not anything to do with me. So I wrote back saying "I don't believe you because you brought me into it and everything... maybe you're not the person I thought you were." And then she came by and whispered to me, "Well at least I'm not a perfect little bitch like you." I got mad and everything and since I'm so sensitive, I started crying at recess. Everyone was saying "Corey, what's wrong?" and I only wanted to be alone with Georgia and Diana. So I sobbed "I just want to be alone". Also, the whole recess Piper and Evie were following me around making fun of me. They're making fun of me but I will NOT stoop so low as to make fun of them.

Love,

Corey

PS: Mrs. Jefferson has this board called "Then and Now" and it has pictures of everyone from September and from May. Piper and Evie ruined my May picture. Luckily, Mrs. J busted them.

Woah. I'm actually pretty overwhelmed by this one. And by overwhelmed, I mean I am experiencing PTSD.

I mean, first of all, a fake fight?? What the fuck is that? That seems like a lot of trouble to go through to make someone mad. Making someone mad really isn't that hard. Especially eleven year old Corey. She seems to get mad pretty easily (whereas now, you know, my temper's totally under control)

I can't quite get a grasp on what I was so upset about... so I understand that saying Evie wasn't show I thought she was is rather extreme... Did I think she was not someone who would get in a fake fight, only real ones? I'm confused. BUT that said... perfect little bitch is pretty hardcore. I mean, I was kind of a judgmental, holier than thou child.... but actually calling me on it?? ouch.

I always enjoy most of all my descriptions of my dramatic crying fits. I think I was secretly in a soap opera that no one else knew about. A really poorly written soap opera.

As for my fat pen pal... its sooooo nice of me to still think she might be a good person despite her weight. I mean, I must be a good person if I can look as horrible an affliction as being overweight in a new pen pal. I mean, ideally, all your pen pals are skinny. But oh well. These days, I'd be more concerned with the unicorn stickers she sent me. She was SO a pink unicorn type of girl. I think we all know what I'm talking about...

Reviewing my friend list, once again.

Above: the fabulous Diana-- a photo glued into my journal along with this entry. I'm pretty sure she's wearing my shirt. And I'm pretty sure we took this picture on some sort of model-esque photo shoot we were doing.

May 11, 1994

Dear Bethany,

Today I woke up and found out a bee was in the back hall so I went insane. I didn't get stung though. I got to school and found out Allison had broken her arm!! In gym we did gymnastics. We're practicing for the Open House. Poor Allison, she can't be in it!!

I'll start a new Friends List.

1. Diana: Diana has been my best friend since my second year of nursery school. .She used to dress really strangely, but she's pretty normal now. She's got a dog- Sandy, and a new kitten, O. She has 1 brother, Ross, who's 12 (she's 10). She has short brown hair and glasses. She doesn't take anything seriously anymore. And when I tried to tell her that she just started laughing!

Love,

Corey

I may think I'm fooling someone with my fake sympathy for Lydia, but that little comment about gymnastics at Open House is a dead giveaway. Allison was totally my main competition for being an adorable little gymnast. The fact that she broke her arm and wouldn't be able to perform was nothing short of thrilling. That much I am sure of. You can tell my the multiple exclamation points that I am just barely masking my joy.

Poor Diana, I am so hard on her. And I love that I am somehow the fashion expert. What with my fabulous collection of patterned vests and weirdo hats and let's be honest, just some seriously upsetting clothing choices. Given this, I wonder what "pretty normal" means. What's the scale we are talking about here? Pretty normal... more like ME? more basics? I'm not sure I'm in any position at this point to be judging normality.

As for the seriousness-- I took myself SO seriously that it would be hard to compete with that. And given that I have now promoted Diana to the number one spot... why do I not have anything actually positive to report?? Conundrum.

No comment about the bee. I just think its funny all on its own. Little did I know I would someday have to deal with mice in my apartment.

Shitty Day.

May 2, 1994

Dear Bethany,

Today was SHIT. First, Evie told me that she and Mona were in a fight. She started crying. (Mona is her best friend). Also, Allison got mad at me because I "made up with Piper". (I was in a fight with her) Allison said "you only need me when you're mad at Piper. You know what? That's not true! Allison and Diana are my best friends!!

That's IT!

Love,

Corey

It's so hard to keep up-- mostly in terms of the fight between me and Piper. I mean, every other entry we have either gotten in a new fight or made up from an old one. It's really exhausting. These days I prefer to stick with one emotion per friend. Or at least if we're friends I'm committed to trying NOT to fight. That doesn't seem the case with me and Piper. I think we mostly just follow every single impulsive emotion to its full capacity.

I like that Allison called me on my shit. I mean, its too bad it make no impact on my thoughts, feelings, or behavior. But its a good effort none the less. I don't think I intentionally used people. But I think mostly my friends were there to assist me. And I don't know that I was so supportive (In case you have forgotten... i have not... I wanted to tell Allison she couldn't have a boyfriend if we were to maintain our friendship)

I will focus on the teeny tiny evidence of my current, more sensitive self-- I actually give a shit that Evie is fighting with her friend, and seem to feel bad that she is crying. My sympathy seems to be sporadic and arbitrary, but at least it exists.

Crying at School and Other Corey-Like Behaviors

April 26, 1994

Dear Bethany,

Hi! I'll start on the rest of Thursday. I went to Diana's. Diana just got a new kitten. His name is O. He's cute, but she's obsessed with him. I forget Friday but on Saturday Allison came over and we played and a Wellsley College babysitter named Maren came. She is sooooo nice!

I also convinced myself that Patrick is a lame bitch. Now I like Derek, a guy at the lake in New Hampshire.

Sunday, Diana came over and we went to the Museum of Fine Arts. It was sooooo boring. Today, Tuesday, was ok. I'm in a fight with Piper. Georgia AND Corrine took Piper's side. I'm losing all my friends!! I was so sad that I cried and Mrs. Jefferson saw so I had to tell her about our fight. Also I think Patrick saw me cry. I know I said I don't like him but I kind of do. I was soooo embarassed.

Musical Theatre class was awesome today! I even TALKED to people. I had a GREAT time.

Love,

Corey

Patrick is a lame bitch. I love it. Where do I get these wonderful turns of phrases? I think I may have to reintegrate this one into my vocabulary. And Derek? He was kind of an ass. And also not someone I saw with any kind of regularity. Which begs the question-- how did I randomly decide to set my sights on him? And how will I feed the obsession if I never interact with him?

... I guess its fine since I actually admit to still liking him in the SAME ENTRY. I guess my self delusion is not terrible successful at this point in time. Kinda refreshing.

Ah. Crying in school. I think its possible I did more crying in school than actual learning. And if Patrick witnessed it, it was probably a good thing-- he should really get to know the real me if we're going to end up together forever.

I TALKED to someone in class? AMAZING! WAY TO GO!

... was some weird mute girl? I don't seem to recall but I seem unnaturally proud of actually interacting with other people...

Corey goes to New York! The Hotel has a FAX MACHINE.

April 19, 1994

Dear Bethy,

I'm in New York, NY. Our hotel room is superb 2 TVs, 3 telephones (one in the bathroom), a fax machine and one of those food chests.

Dad and I went to FAO Schwartz. It was fabulous. Last night Dad and I saw "The Fantasticks". It was awesome!!! All the actors were playing their lines to me. At one point an old man goes "and the with CHILDREN..." and he stared at me. Everyone laughed.

Oh, "The Fantasticks" is in a little theatre holding only about 100 people. And there were only 30 the night I went. It was amazing. Today Dad and I are going to Les Miz and Beauty and the Beast. YES.

love,Corey

April 21, 1994

Dear Bethy, I'm on the plane coming back from New York. Les Miz was very good... but very sad. At one point this boy is in the streets during a shooting and he's singing "But watch out when the pup grows..." and he dies before he finishes the song.

Beauty and the Beast was OK but I can't see it as a musical. It's more like an Aladdin on Ice kind of thing.

love,

Corey

Mostly this is a sentimental post. Although I will definitely make fun of my description of the hotel room. I'm so impressed by material goods. I love that I mention the fax machine. I mean, do I even know what a fax machine DOES? Highly, highly unlikely. Also I'm already such a fucking New Yorker. The hotel room is "superb" and FAO is "fabulous". Not to mention I am SUPER happy I already had excellent taste in theatre. I knew the difference between actual theatre and sloppy commercial crap. Way to go little Corey!

Dad took me to New York pretty often. We both liked diners and musicals and the city. The Fantasticks was my favorite show I'd ever seen. I was blown away my walking around the Village and ending up in a tiny theatre with no one in it and a personal show without a true fourth wall. Transformative. And inspiring to read about now after eight years in the city and a jaded outlook on city life. Better to focus on the original magic of NYC. And the original magic of theatre. Fresh eyes. Maybe one of the better lessons from this project.

Surprise Pictures, Finally Found

In the very beginning of the The Flower Journal, I have glued in a bunch of random pictures from the Medieval Festival at school and a trip I took to Disney World with my grandparents. The Medieval Festival was an event at school-- it was a performance followed by a feast of "medieval" food. Unfortunately the music teacher hated me, so all I did was play the xylophones while everyone else had actual lines or solos. It was a low point for me. I was pissed. Cause, you know, I was practically a famous summer stock actress by then. How DARE they not respect that?

I was glad to see the picture of my grandparents. My grandfather passed away a few months ago, and it's a gift to remember him running around Disney World with me when I was eleven. Plus he's rocking an awesome hat.

So no journal entry today. Just the pictures. All I talk about during these pages is my fear of squirrels. Which I don't remember having but trust me-- not the most entertaining entries of the diaries.

These photos are little surprises-- they aren't in the family photo albums, they are only hidden in the journals.

The Flower Journal and Serious Narcissism

April 17, 1994

Dear Bethany,

When Diana called she got all mad at me just because I "talk too much about Patrick". In fact, I'm not even sure I like him anymore...just his eyes. But I THINK maybe I do like him. I'm confused! 

Yesterday was so awesome! Diana came over for a sleepover which was great. We played with Houdini [my hampster], we made halfway square (delicious) we watched Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman while having hot chocolate and popcorn and best of all we started making this thing called "A Day in the Life of Corey" Diana took pictures of me getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, eating breakfast, getting the newspaper, reading the Funnies, going to school, and lots more. When they're developed we're going to cut them out and put them on poster board. It should be fun. 

I love being out here sitting on the tree trunk writing to you. I feel truly at peace. 

Love,

Corey

YAY! Diana finally calls me on my BS! Although it does not seem to have an actual effect on my love of myself. "A Day in the Life of Corey"??? I mean, how did I talk her into the validity of this project? Obviously I know what the appeal was for me-- what could possibly be more interesting/artistic than a series of photographs documenting my exciting life (reading the funnies???) But I must have pulled some serious Tom Sawyer-ing to convince Diana this would also be fun for her. 

I wonder if I really like Patrick's eyes of if that line about liking them was from some movie or book. Because honestly, I don't think I ever actually got physically close enough to him to even know what color his eyes were. 

In any case, why do I keep thinking maybe I don't like him? I don't remember this confusion, only the hardcore infatuation. Although I guess it proves relationships are not ever actually simple. Or, at least mine aren't. 

Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Holy CRAP we loved that show. I think Diana and I were actually middle aged women. So not hip. 

Side note: this entry marks the beginning of my second journal, the flower journal. Pretty much looks like wall paper or an old woman's house dress. Further supporting the notion that Diana and I were secretly middle aged. 

Pen Pals, and Loving Someone Lame

April 6, 1994

Dear Bethy,

I've done some more communicating with Patrick. I wrote back a "form" to him and said:

"What do you think of me?

a. Who's Corey Haydu?

b. I hate you

c. A friend

d. A girlfriend"

He circled C but I think he likes me a bit more than a friend. He also answered one question that he didn't know too much about me. So I wrote back to him saying a little about myself. I said my interests and my faults... stuff like that. He wrote back about himself. His letter was soooo lame! It said his favorite colors are black and blue. Like I care! 

I like Patrick and all but Diana and I have a few jokes about him: Patrick is obsessed with pen guns. Anyway, we think he has no life and no personality so we joke around and I'll go to Diana "Patrick, Corey's eloping" and Diana will go "oh... Bang! Bang! Pow!" 

Anyway, back to the letter. It also said "I have blue eyes (well maybe with a hint of green)." When Diana read that she goes "I bet he thought that was funny. I can just see him going "haha, Corey's gonna get a kick out of this". 

Also, Diana was telling Patrick that I thought his letter was lame (I told her to say that) and Esther goes, "you know, Corey has wet dreams about you!" AND HE LAUGHED! I will most seriously KILL ESTHER.

Love,

Corey

Hm. For the first time I sort of don't know how to feel about this entry. I am flummoxed. If I know how lame Patrick is, why am I obsessed with him? Why do we like men who don't like us back? 

I don't actually want to get to know him, I guess. And I think he has no personality?? I have thrown myself through a loop here. Eleven-year-old Corey has shocked me. Or perhaps it is that eleven-year-old Corey is not so different from 26-year-old Corey. I'm not sure which. I do feel like the key to my romantic life is hidden somewhere in this entry, but I can't quite put my finger on where it is...

At least my misinformed self confidence continues on. It literally does not matter what Patrick says. I have decided he likes me. And so it must be. I admire this way of seeing the world. I miss it. Kind of a fabulous way to live. Delusional, but fabulous. 

I also love that I wrote Patrick back and told him all my faults. Mostly because I completely recognize myself in this one. Compulsive honesty. I'm pretty sure I still do almost exactly that when I'm dating new people. "Hi I'm Corey, I have a temper, I think you're cute, I'm shitty at math, I fall easily." 

Often horrified by my former self. But today feel some connection to her, which is a relief. I mean, she's a huge bitch and possibly mentally insane. But at least we have something in common. 

Sex Education. Sort of.

March 31, 1994

Dear Bethany,

Hi! Today Patrick wrote me. It wasn't much of a letter. Plus he signed it Sincerely, and I signed mine Love. He's not very romantic! 

Today we had a film called "Changing". There were three parts. 

Part 1: Girls. You know like periods and pubic hair. I didn't learn anything I didn't already know except one thing: I learned what tampons are. They're like pads except they go inside. YUCK. 

I'm not sure if I want my period. It seems like a hassle. 

Part 2: Boys and Girls. Mostly it just talked about zits and "feeling differently about the other sex". 

Part 3: Boys. It was boring except for this part when a little boy goes, "Mine's smaller than the other guys. Does that mean I'm less of a man?" Then this voices comes on and goes "Penises come in all different shapes and sizes." It was sooooo funny! 

Love,

Corey

This film sounds... really informative? Sex education in this country is... totally going in the right direction? 

I love Part 2-- Boys and Girls. And that all it really talks about is zits and feeling differently. Yeah. That pretty much sums up everything you would possibly need to know about interacting with the opposite sex in adolescence. I don't know if I even know what sex is at this point. I do remember a long period of thinking sex was kissing naked. It's entirely possible I still believed that at the time of this film. 

As for Part 3... my real question now is what child actor had to play the part of the boy with the small penis in "Changing"??? This poor child must be seriously scarred. Also... boring?? It was boring to learn all about boys and the changes in their bodies?? This sounds highly unlikely. I'm either lying or this film failed to address anything of actual substance. Or I just found it so embarrassing that I use the word "boring" to disguise my discomfort. 

As for the letter exchanges with Patrick... I love the expectation for romance already cemented in my little girl brain. Some things never change. 

Gambling and It's Effect on Fifth Graders

March 29, 1994

Dear Bethy,

Well I did it! I gave the letter to Diana and she gave it to Patrick. I couldn't wait to know what happened. So I called Diana and asked. It turned out he didn't want to talk about it. I wonder if it did any good? I REALLY REALLY want him to write back. 

At school we did Sawin Essay. I started a new story. It was called "The Negative Points in My Life". It was really funny. In math we had a test. Since Allison was absent yesterday, Mrs. Bitch asked if she was ready to take the test. Patrick called out "I'm not ready" jokingly. It was soooo funny. 

At lunch I made two bets. 1. I bet Sky 25 cents that I wouldn't talk for the whole lunch. I lost. 

2. I bet Piper 25 cents that she wouldn't laugh the whole lunch period. There goes another 25 cents. 

Love,

Corey

PS: This morning when I woke up and saw it was snowing I started crying because I was so upset. I mean, lately it's been so springy. It's almost April and it's still snowing. SOMETHING IS WRONG. 

Patrick will resist.... but Diana and I are pretty relentless. I think I can pretty confidently answer that whatever this letter was (and wow. i wish i could see it now) it probably did NOT do any good. Unless it said something like "Patrick, I know I am a psycho and I will start respecting your boundaries". 

 Patrick's AMAZING joke in math class fails to impress me these days. Does this mean I have higher standards now? 

As for my apparent gambling problem... how long is a lunch period?? Could i really not manage shutting up for like, a 40 minute period? Even sadder is that I DID end up talking, but was apparently not funny enough to make Piper laugh. What a sad combination of lost bets. 

Maybe if Piper had read my totally hilarious story "The Negative Points of My Life" (!!!) she would have laughed. Or maybe this is simply another case of tiny Corey's over inflated ego.... 

Plan AB works... kinda.

March 28, 1994

Dear Beth,

GUESS WHAT? Well, Diana and I did Plan AB and here are the results: 

PLAN A:

Well, after math I went to Diana and started out saying "Look I got a new charm..." but it didn't work, Patrick just walked away! 

PlAN B: 

Okay, during last period Diana asked Patrick "Do you like Corey?" And most amazingly he gave a straight forward answer. He said..... "YES!" Then Diana asked if he was going to ask me out. He said.... "Not now, I'm not ready for commitment." Diana said "Next year?" He said...."PROBABLY!" 

YES!

I'm just soooo excited! And I wrote him a letter that I'm going to ask Diana to give him. I also asked him to write me a letter. GOD am I excited! 

Besides that BIG incident my day wasn't all that great. I found out that Piper and Sandra are cheating in math. One will do one sheet and the other will do another sheet, then they'll switch. Since Georgia has turned into a Piper FOLLOWER, she doesn't care. 

Love,

Corey

I have a sneaking suspicion that this huge breakthrough was more Patrick just being sick and tired of Diana asking him about me. And he (wrongly) guessed that if he said he liked me I would let up on the obsessing. But give eleven-year-old Corey an inch, and goddamnit, she will take a mile. 

As for Patrick not being ready for commitment... oh man. I love it. He wants to... what? Play the field? These fifth grade relationships consisted of pretty much ignoring each other and blushing... he totally did that anyway. Not much would have changed. At the time, however, I'm sure I took this resistance as a sign of his incredible maturity.  And who knows? Maybe unbeknownst to all of us Patrick slept around in this year before asking me out. You know, to get it out of his system before he had to commit. 

As for why we women love commitment phobic men... I can't answer that, I can just assert that it starts early.

I don't know about you but I am on the edge of my seat wondering what will happen when Patrick gets my letter... will he write me back?? Will I find a way to further humiliate myself?? Stay tuned.

Intricate Military Style Relationship Planning.

March 27, 1994

Dear Bethany,

On Friday Diana and I decided to take action with this Patrick thing. I call it Plan AB because it's made up of Plan A and Plan B.

PLAN A: 

I'll walk up to Diana and say "Diana, look I got a new charm on my charm bracelet." She'll list all the charms. Then Patrick will know my talents.

PLAN B:

Diana (who sits next to Patrick) will say "Are you going to ask Corey out?" then "Do you like her?" then "You're embarrassing her by not asking her out, most of her friends already going out. 

I HAVE HOPE! 

Love,

Corey

Oh, Corey. Bullying boys into asking you out. Plan AB is GENIUS. 

If Patrick sees all my charms on my charm bracelet (an ice skate! a ballet slipper! a music note! a piano! a book!) he will truly come to understand just how talented and skilled I am. I mean, if I have all those charms, I must really BE someone, right?

And I'm sure, if Patrick only knows how humiliating it is for me to be single, he will totally fix that problem. I mean, the last thing he wants is for me to be embarrassed. It is SUCH a compelling reason to get into a relationship. 

I am so certain this plan will work.... what could possibly go wrong?

and Diana, seriously, why are you still my friend? Have I done ANYTHING for you, or is our entire friendship based on you helping me with my completely insane and misinformed schemes?? I'm scared to know the answer to that...

Facts About Patrick

March 14, 1994

Dear Bethany,

hi! So sorry that I haven't written for so long! Let's see, I got an A- in math!! Isn't that great? Guess what? Piper's going out with Mike. Am I going to be the only one in the grade who's NOT going out? I sure hope not!! 

I sometimes wonder if winter is ever going to end. Winter is soooo boring. I can't ride my bike, jump on the trampoline, and the trees are bare and there are no flowers or grass. I HATE IT! 

Oh, by the way, Diana found out a lot about Patrick. 

1. He loves the tazmanian devil and other Looney Tunes. Strange?

2. He loves reading

3. He collects baseball cards.

4. He lived in Texas before he came to Dover

5. He plays basketball.

6. He used to take karate

7. His favorite ice cream is chocolate chip cookie dough which is the same as my favorite ice cream. Cool huh? 

Tootles!

Corey Ann Haydu

I considered not owning up to the fact that I just signed off with "Tootles", but I have no dignity, so there you go. I make myself sick. 

Diana gets huge props in this entry. She went and got a bunch of random information on Patrick for me?? What prompted this generous gift? Did she take notes? Did I? The questions are endless. Most importantly-- how will I use this valuable information?? Will I offer Patrick a cone of cookie dough ice cream? Will I ask him if he wants to play a game of basketball? Will I speak in a Texan accent or buy him a baseball card? 

Or- will I simply love him from afar and never actually work up the courage to speak to him? 

I think we all know where this is going...

Lost Causes and the Girls Who Love Them

March 2, 1994

Dear Bethy,

Sooo much has happened!

1, On Monday I made up with Piper. She's really nice... when we're alone. She's a bitch in a  crowd though. I'm not going to put her on my friend list, even though she's my friend. 

2, Well, first Diana asked Patrick if he liked me. He said something like this: "Like? Well... I don't know if I LIKE her," and just crap like that. Then she and Georgia and Corrine asked Patrick if he was going to ask me out. He said "Not now." Then Georgia and Corrine asked him what he would say if I asked him out. (which I would never do). He said, "I'd say no because I'm not ready to go out." I got soooo mad. 

Then today Mrs.Bitch said, "Boys, chose a girl to trade papers with." Diana told me that Patrick had gotten up and was about three feet away from me, then turned around and said "I can't do this". It's not exactly what I hoped... but it's a start. 

3. Piper's birthday party is Friday. It's going to be an indoor beach party. She has a hot tub and its a sleepover. I just cannot wait! 

Love,

Corey

I don't know what it is that girls love so much about lost causes, but I certainly started early with that shit. Poor Patrick. I was a lot to handle. And I was not giving up. I have no idea what drew me so strongly to this guy, because (spoiler alert) I do NOT move on from this crush until I am in 7th grade. SEVENTH GRADE. 

As for him getting up, almost handing me his math paper and then mumbling "I can't do this"?? I find this one hard to believe. Either I have completely exaggerated this in my own journal, or Diana made this up to make me happy. I'd like to think it's the latter, but I am fairly certain it is the former. I am getting to know ten year old Corey pretty well, and that just seems like something she'd do. 

Piper always had the best birthday parties. One year we had to dress up as TV characters. Everyone picked cool ones, except me. I was Judy Jetson. It was not a wise choice. Diana, (who I think was actually like, one of the Bundy's or something) never really let me live it down. I recall a cardboard triangle around my neck and a lot of pink. 

As for the hot tub beach party with the bunch of ten and eleven year old girls... I can only imagine the shit storm that came from that night. 

Valentine's Day or Corey's Dark Day

February 14, 1994

Dear Bethy,

Today was really crappy. 

1. I got in a fight with Piper because she ruined my party. And do you know what? She said it was my fault that my party was ruined because I was the one who cried! I just can't believe that girl! 

2. Today's Valentine's Day. Allison gave Reese a huge Hershey's kiss, and he gave her a chocolate bear. And PLUS he asked her out. AUGHH. I hate it! Why won't Patrick ask me out? Why doesn't anyone ask me out? Am I ugly, stupid, insensitive? I've just GOT to know!!

Hopefully on Wednesday i'm going to FINALLY get a pet! I'm really excited.

I know I keep saying this but I'm just sooooo mad about Allison and Reese! I want a yes or no (hopefully yes) answer! Maybe I'll tell Allison that I can't be her friend if she goes out with Reese! It could work...

Love,

Corey

Oh. Oh God. Emotional blackmail. This was perhaps NOT the most well thought out plan. I would hold out hope that I did not actually go through with this plan, but given my track record thus far, I have a feeling I actually probably DID tell Allison I wouldn't be her friend if she went out with Reese. 

I only moderately feel bad that I was questioning (um, finally) my looks, intelligence and.... sensitivity level? Is sensitivity something guys really look for in girlfriends? I'm not so sure. But I enjoy that it was in my top three qualities. Can't imagine why I'd worry about being insensitive... I seem like such a sweet, innocent, caring girl. 

"Going out": This did NOT mean going on a date. It is more like going steady. Except without the talking or physical contact. I don't know what actual purpose this served-- it was like an agreement that you both liked each other and were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. But I think it actually cut down on interaction rather than increased it. Once you were "going out with" someone, talking to each other became wayyyy too stressful, and was to be avoided altogether. 

Allison and Reese were not exactly an exception to this-- but I'm impressed they exchanged Valentine's Day gifts. I mean, that's pretty advanced for a ten year old boy. Once again, Reese was SUCH a catch! 

It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To

February 12, 1994

Dear Beth,

Hi! I guess I should write to you because today's my last day being ten. Today was my birthday party. We went roller skating. Piper was being a bitch. She and her loyal followers skated exclusively. Evie and I tried to tell Piper she was being a brat, but she walked away and wouldn't talk to me. I cried at my birthday! Eventually we worked things out but I still hate Piper for what she did. Tomorrow for my birthday Georgia and I are goinf to Friendly's for lucnh and then going to the movie "My Girl 2". I can't wait 'cause I loved "My Girl 1". Guess what?? for Georgia's birthday present to me she gave me tickets to go to Aladdin on Ice with she and her mom. I can't wait!!

You know what I always find kind of hard to believe? That the presents people give you for your birthday are really yours. 

Love,

Corey

Is it suspicious that I am still somewhat unclear about what Piper actually DID to me? I mean, aside from skating with her "followers"? Diana, was this you? Tell the truth. 

Also, this will not be the first nor last time I cry on my birthday. 

But these days I don't think I hate people quite so freely. Usually. 

As for my spectacular birthday plans.... Friendly's is one classy joint. No, but seriously there Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Sundae is maybe the greatest dessert ever. 

And yes, I still love presents as much as I did when I was ten... =) 

Corey Gets Over Patrick. Only to Suddenly Love Him All Over Again

February 25, 1994

Dear Bethy,

Sorry I haven't written for so long. Lots happened in the past week or so. 

1. I started not liking Patrick on Wednesday... but not anymore. I'll explain why: Well in math Jen, Christine and I were in this group, we had to make up 2 mental math problems, 1 calculator problem, 1 paper and pencil, and one paper pencil AND calculator in the same problem! Well, after Jen, Christine and I finished this, we switched papers with Patrick and Alex. First they complained that "This isn't calculator" "This is too easy" "You call THIS paper and pencil?" Then WE started complaining that one of their problems was hard. Patrick just replied "I did it in my head!" I hated him for that! But, I like him again (don't ask me why though!)

2. Alex asked Bree out and she said yes! I can't believe it! Clashy, immature Bree! 

3. About Allison and bratty, stupid Reese: Reese said to Allison "I like you". Allison said "I like you too". Later Allison said "I REALLY like you" and Reese said "I REALLY like you too." I'm sooooo mad! At recess on Friday Allison was trying to make everyone go away so that Reese could ask her out. Luckily he didn't, but he will soon! Patrick's just GOT to ask me out SOON. I'll feel so shitty if he doesn't. I'm giving him a secret admirer note for Valentine's Day. 

Bye!

Corey

Um. Ok. I kind of don't want to read any further because I am TERRIFIED of the disastrous results of this secret admirer note. I do not remember anything about it, which hopefully means I either didn't follow through with this plan or that it was somehow construed as acceptable. 

I am rather appalled at Patrick's despicable behavior regarding my math papers (side note: is this really what I spent math class doing? Trying to determine what types of problems you need a calculator for vs. what kinds of problems you can do in your head seems.... like not such an important skill. Or, rather, it seems like something that would come naturally. Like, "Hey. I can't do this in my head. why don't I grab a calculator?") 

Given how rude he was, I certainly forgave him quickly. Love conquers all? Corey was lacking in self respect? You decide. 

I'm worried ten year old Corey is going to blow her brains out while everyone in the grade gets a boyfriend before her. Seriously. Clashy, immature Bree? I mean, has anyone noticed how mature I was?? And how well my patterned vests matched my skorts?? IS THERE NO JUSTICE??

Either fifth graders are evil, or I was actually inhabited by Satan for a while.

January 19, 1994

Dear Bethany,

I have lots to tell you. 

1. Well you know about Piper? Yesterday sucked so much that I started sobbing in shower and I whispered hoarsely, "why me, why is everything going wrong at the same time?" But today was lots better. Before math Piper sent me a note saying she was sorry. So I kinda forgave her.

2. On Tuesday Cathy and I were sliding on the ice outside the school. Then Patrick came by. I decided to exaggerate the story. I told everyone that Patrick had come over and almost asked me out! Oh well, I guess that sometimes lying makes me feel better. 

3. I looked in Allison's journal to a page about me. Guess what it said?? It said that for Christmas she wished that I had gotten her an M&M gumball machine like I got Piper. 

4. Cathy let me read something in her journal. It was a list of the prettiest girls in the grade. I was seventh. She also mentioned I wasn't really pretty, I was just attractive. It hurt a little but I'll live. 

5. You know how I said Cathy was beautiful? Well, I've been studying her and actually she's kinda gross. 

Yours,

Corey

Presumably someday I will be too humiliated to keep putting these entries online, but at the moment I feel so compelled because they make me laugh so hard, and I feel I need to share the joy. 

Where to start??? The description of myself crying and "whispering hoarsely" in the shower?? A tiny part of me feels bad for little Fifth Grade Corey. But the much larger, more influential part of me thinks my vivid description is maybe the best thing I've ever written. Ever. 

As an adult, I so rarely do more than one despicable thing a day. But apparently, when I was ten, days were much fuller. I told a total lie AND looked in someone's journal?? I am confused at the lack of guilt... I seem to mostly think everything I do is totally justifiable. 

But the best part of this entire entry, is #4, and the quick, i'm sure totally unrelated epiphany in #5. Clearly, Cathy calling me not pretty had NOTHING to do with my sudden decision that she is not beautiful but instead is gross. 

Because if these things were related, surely I would have owned up to that.... right? right???

oh. no....

When will Corey get the glory?

January 13, 1994

Dear Bethy,

Guess what?? I'm in a fight with Piper. See, in the first place she started scraping her nails on he chalkboard. I told her to stop and all she did was encourage more people to do it too. Then later when we were walking to the library she got mad for nothing! I HATE HER! 

Then, Reese asked Bill to ask Allison if she'd go out with Reese. She hasn't decided because how can they go out if they don't talk? 

Besides, I don't want her to go out. Why should she get the glory? Tomorrow, Connor's asking Patrick who he likes!

Love,

Corey

I like how Piper always does some horrible thing to me (scraping nails on the chalkboard! gasp!) but when she's mad I have done nothing at all. It is a big mystery that I will never get to the bottom of. Because as far as  I can tell, nothing is every ten year old Corey's fault. 

I remember my jealousy of Allison well. She was beautiful and Reese was gorgeous and all I wanted was to get that same easy attention. Also, if Bill is asking Allison if she will go out with Reese-- has there ever been a more beautiful, romantic start to a relationship! 

The real mystery in this entry is why did I ask CONNOR, my supposed enemy who did nothing but make fun of me, to find out if Patrick liked me?? Did I tell him about my crush? Did I trust him with this valuable information? Will wonders never cease?? 

Tune in to find out is Allison does, in fact, get all the glory.....

Screaming Corey

January 6, 1994

Dear Bethy,

Hi! Lot's to say! Yesterday at gym Piper was being a bitch!! See, something was wrong so Evie and I asked her what was wrong and she kept pushing us away! So Evie and I started ignoring her (also, Evie mentioned that while she and Piper were playing school once, and since Evie's a bit dumb Piper said "Evie, you can be the smart one since you don't usually get to do that!" I was so mad) 

But later today Evie and I made up with her. But yesterday when Evie and I were discussing why we were mad at Piper, Allison butted in and said "So, you're in a fight with Piper?" I was so aggravated I screamed, "None of your business!" She got mad but I also made up with her! 

See ya!

Corey

Trouble interpreting this one? Me too. It appears I got mad at Piper for... pushing me away when she was upset? And I got mad at Allison for... asking me if I was in a fight with Piper? 

I enjoy the description that I screamed at Allison. I don't know if my current self would actually admit to that kind of drastic behavior. 

And when I feel bad about my actions as a ten year old, at least I know I wasn't alone. Piper called Evie stupid? Actually, that level of snide comment is pretty intense for a ten year old. Gotta respect that. Young enough to still play school (really?? ten year olds today mostly like, go to the mall and smoke and have sex from what I understand) but old enough to really hit someone where it hurts and an aggressive but partially subtle way? I like it. 

By the way, being ten sounds exhausting. 

Wayne's World and its Effect on Humanity

January 3,1994

Dear Bethany,

Hi! Guess what? You know how I'm only allowed to watch G and PG movies? Well Piper always used to too. But Piper saw Waynes World AND Mrs. Doubtfire-- both rated at LEAST PG13!! I can't believe it! I feel so alone! I'm probably the only person in the school who hasn't seen Wayne's World. 

You know what I was thinking? Whoever is reading this journal has thought I was fairly mature- up to this point. 

Love

Corey

I actually remember this very conundrum well. EVERYONE was talking about Wayne's World, all the time. Every joke, ever snide comment, every insult, every punch line-- they were all quotes from Wayne's World. I pretended I had seen it. Which actually doesn't work very well at all, because quotes from that movie make zero sense out of context, so I couldn't ever guess what was being said. 

And, I mean, not being able to see Mrs. Doubtfire?? Come on now. Strangely, I was allowed to watch Pretty Woman as long as I left the room during the piano scene. I don't know what that means about my family, but I won't dwell on the double standard. 

Oh, and I'm pretty sure NO ONE reading this thinks I was "fairly mature". Unless we are very liberal with the meaning of the word mature. 

New Year, Same Cruelty.

January 1, 1994

Dear Bethy,

Hi! Guess what... It's 1994. My new year's resolution is this: I'm  going to look on the bright side of things- you know, try not to be so depressed and worried about every little thing. 

I'll finish up my friend list:

Corrine: Corrine is kind of a snob. She has dirty blonde hair- shoulder length but much thinner than mine. She looks really skinny but she's not. 

I guess that's it!

Later!

Corey

Oh... oh god. I really never realized I even thought about skinniness at this age.... I mean, I weighed about as much as your average 5 year old, so it couldn't have been competitiveness... What does it even mean that she looks skinny but she isn't?? Does she have some hidden stomach only I have seen? Does she dress so well that she looks super skinny but is actually obese? 

As for my New Year's resolution... I wonder how many times I have made this exact resolution. And at ten I was pretty happy... I mean, high school hadn't even happened yet. If I think I'm depressed at age ten, I can't imagine how I describe my state of being at age 16....

Sluts At Every Age.

December 24, 1993

Dear Bethy,

I can't believe its almost Christmas can you???

I spent last night at Cathy's. It was tons of fun!! We had awesome pizza from Pizza Hut. 

...Well I guess I will continue with my list:

Diana: Diana is very mature acting and she is very smart. She's been my friend for a while and we were best friends until Cassie came along. But she's not here anymore and I'd rather not talk about her now, she makes me sick. Anyway, they became good friends and Cassie kind of broke Diana and I apart. She's got short, dark, brown hair and just got bangs! 

Bree: In Betty's words Bree is "Gorgeously Gorgeous." She has neat eyes. But Bree often clashes and, like, doesn't wash or brush her hair. She has "sexy legs" as Connor says. She is very nice but isn't very trustful. She has told many secrets. She's also a bit of a slut. 

Georgia: Georgia is beautiful. Her eyes are a bit different but mostly just very dark and big. Georgia is also very nice. She's very funny but occasionally talks behind peoples backs (then again I do sometimes) I think she takes teasing very well because lots of boys in our class say she has a moustache. 

love,

Corey

I had almost entirely forgotten about "Cassie". Holy crap. That girl traumatized me. I still kind of get chills seeing her name. Is it weird that she still makes me sick? She didn't invite me to her going away party that everyone else was invited to.... and I lived like, down the street from her and was supposedly good friends with her. Oh man. That hurt. I feel like I'm ten again. Crap.

I called a ten year old a slut. a SLUT. None of us had even gotten our first kiss yet. Like, no one in the whole grade! So... i wonder in what way she was slutty. Clothing? Flirting? Or, most likely, I didn't even know what that word meant? Oh well, at least she's only "a bit of a slut". So you know, I'm sure there were way sluttier ten year olds than her. No, really. some of them were total whores. 

And poor Georgia. In all these entries I was thinking I had it bad. Thank god I grew into my ears and I'm pretty sure Georgia discovered waxing with the rest of us. 

I Am An Individualist. Don't Mess With Me.

December 22, 1993

Dear Bethany,

Now about my friends. I'll start with my best and go on to my least (just because they're least does not mean I don't like them a lot!)

Piper: Piper is my all time favorite friend, but she's got tons of problems. She is about an "8" on beauty but she's very slim and graceful. 

I think she's an "above stress level  child" but a great friend. I got her an M&M gumball machine for Christmas. 

Cathy: Cathy is absolutely stunning but often clashes. I think she would make a great model when she is around 18. Cathy used to like Connor and still thinks he's cute (actually so do I) but he's a big jerk. 

Allison: She wants to be an actress when she grows up which really upsets me. I kinda thought it way MY thing. Like, I would be an individual. Cause I'm an individualist in some ways. Every time she mentions it I get all hot and mean feeling. 

More later!

love,

Corey

Um. I could write a novel on this entry alone. 

First, I'd like to know who taught be the phrase "above stress level child". Did I read this in a book? Did my parents use it? The school guidance counselor? Where do I GET this stuff?

Secondly, though I do talk about my crush Patrick a lot, I seem to talk about bad boy Connor even more. For someone who is my enemy, I certainly spend a LOT of time talking about him. And thinking he's cute. 

Thirdly, just one word: Individualist. I mean, is this like a valid way to define oneself? Some people think its cool to be like everyone else, others think its important to be your own person? I enjoy that I seem to have taken this on as a kind of political statement. 

I am an individualist. You know, like, I believe in individuals. 

Watch out all: sometimes I get "hot and mean feeling". You have been warned. 

This is No Barbie Dream House

December 14, 1993 continued...

I'm going to explain my "dream house": 1st floor: It's only two rooms. One- the gym which has a vault, beam, bars, and the whole floor and all the walls are made of mats. 

The other room is a theatre with a huge stage and tons of comfortable velvety chairs. 2nd floor: An old-fashioned kitchen with a gas stove and a polished kitchen table; a dining room. 

oops! I'll finish later!

See Ya

Yours Forever, 

Corey

I do not return to descriptions of this "dream house" any time in the next few weeks. 

My current living arrangement? An adorable studio apartment. The rooms? A bedroom that doubles as a living room, a kitchen and a bathroom. My stove is gas, but I think I had a very different, romantic vision of what that meant. 

I don't have a theatre but I DO have DVR on my tv and I really enjoy that. No velvet seats, but there's a fleece blanket, so that's pretty comfortable. I've grown to really like fleece, so I guess my expensive tastes have been tempered.  I don't have a gym, but I go to one sometimes. Sadly, I don't do gymnastics and it smells like sweat and antiseptic. 

These days I dream of a bedroom with a door and enough space for a full sized couch instead of a love seat. And I love my 400 square feet. 

Dream Big. 

A Nod to Christmas

December 14, 1993

Dear Bethany,

I was in music class and I twisted my ankle around. We went to the doctor's office it was something kinda weird. But now I'm in a cast and crutches!

I can't wait til Christmas. I already know some of my presents: 

1. 2 Taffy Sinclair books. 

2. 1 Betty Ren Wright book

3. A set of Nancy Drew books

4. An ornament

5. a video

6. An American Girl dress

I figured this out from shaking presents and snooping. 

I am a rule follower. I get this from my father. I submit to authority, I follow even the most inane rules, I have panic attacks when I am in trouble. I think it is fair to say I was thus a fairly easy child (Mom and Dad, feel free to refute this by posting a comment below. I know you are both technologically savvy enough to do this) 

My major childhood misdemeanors and secrets included such horrible things as:

- eating brown sugar in huge chunks from the box when my mom and dad were out.

- watching "Saved by the Bell", perhaps the tamest teen oriented show ever. But I thought they wouldn't approve. 

- staying up late... to read.

- snooping around the house looking for Christmas presents. 

Truth be told, at 26 years old I am still scared about what my mother will say about this revelation. But to me this was part of the joy of Christmas. It was one of my traditions, and one I assume my parents knew about. It was fun to sneak into their closet and find bags and boxes of presents... and usually they managed to hide the biggest and best presents successfully until Christmas morning. 

If you are as afraid of breaking the rules as I am, you'll understand what a HUGE deal this sneaking around was to me. This was one of my largest rebellions... um, ever. Teenaged years included. I'm not kidding.

I also need to take a moment to question my literary tastes-- Taffy Sinclair?? I don't know who or what this is, but I imagine it is complete pre-teen trash. I am a little hurt. I thought better of myself. I thought I was some super smart reader girl. But apparently, I admired someone who went by the name Taffy Sinclair. 

Crap. 

The Life That Could Have Been.

In another December journal entry as I near the end of 1993, and the end of my tenth year, I reveal my fantasy of the future. Aside from the obvious desire to marry Patrick and own a turquoise evening gown, I was shocked to confront the life I imagined. 

I wanted to go to Yale. I wanted to be an actress for one year after college. Then, after I got that out of my system, I wanted to go to medical school and become a "well loved" pediatrician. I wanted to live in a house on a cliff looking out over the ocean in Maine. Something old and cozy and quiet. 

The last sixteen years have, I guess, been longer than I thought. I went to NYU. I stopped taking science my sophomore year... of high school. I am scared of the doctor. I acted for four years after college, only to realize I was spending all my time writing and was happier doing that. And I live in New York City in a studio apartment with a lovely view of the building across the way which has bigger windows and more floor space. 

I gotta ask: What the hell happened here?

IT'S BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE YOU, COREY!

December 12, 1993

Dear Bethy,

I guess I'll  tell you about square dancin' on Friday. First Ms. Mackey made me dance with Dan. Then Mike picked me (I wonder why I was the last one picked...) Then I picked Connor. It was so-so.

Yours,

Corey

I can just see myself trying to think of complicated reasons why all the boys didn't pick me to dance with... clearly they all have crushes on me... so what could it be? Hm. It's a thinker, that's for sure. 

It's like waiting for a volcano to explode... when oh when will I finally realize the boys don't like me? What does it take for good old fashioned self doubt to kick in?

Also, I asked CONNOR to dance? CONNOR of the evil comments and horrible reputation? Is it possible.... the lady doth protest too much? Did ten year old Corey have a hidden thing for... BAD BOYS?? 

stay tuned. 

This Photo makes me seriously question my entire self image.

December 10, 1993

Dear Beth,

Guess what happened today! At lunch Connor and his table was sitting near Piper and mine's. First I overheard Fred (yuck) say "I think Corey's sexy." Then Dan came over and said, "Corey, Fred wants to go out with you!" Then Fred (who was obviously embarrassed) said, "Corey I've always hated you and I always will." 

...I wish I could figure out if Piper thinks I'm her best friend like I think she's mine!"

yours,

Corey 

I am looking forward to the entry where I stop being such a raving bitch. When does that happen? I mean, that does happen right? I'm not so terrible now I hope.... 

But way to go Fred. I mean, a little melodramatic, but impressive none the less. I wish it had made more of an impact... I don't make any mention of being hurt or offended by such harsh words. 

Do ten year olds really use the word sexy?? I mean, look above. Patterned vest included. Braces prominent. Sexiness notably  absent.

From what I can tell, elementary school seems to be mostly about figuring out how other people feel about you-- do the boys like you? Do the right boys like you? Is your best friend really best friends with you? Where do you rank, and who feels what? 

As sensitive as I am now, I can thankfully say I know who cares about me. I know my best friends love me back. I take it for granted, forgetting there was a time when you couldn't count on that easy reciprocation. 

26 suddenly looks less complicated... 

Filene's: the grade school girls' Victoria's Secret

December 12, 1993

Dear Bethy, 

Soooo much has happened!

Tuesday, Steven (who likes me) asked Diana if I had a bra... B-R-A! She TOLD him! Then he came up to me and slid his finger down my back and said "Oh my god you have one! I bet you go to Filene's a lot!" I was soooo mad! But Mrs. Jackson made me make up!!! 

From,

Corey 

Steven was, unsurprisingly, an asshole all the time. So no real shocker here. Except why oh why would he assume I am bra shopping at Filene's?? It almost strikes me as a totally genius ad campaign... like clearly everyone gets their bras there-- and even the ten year old boys know it! I wonder if his dad like... owned Filene's and he was really just plugging their undergarments to unassuming fifth grade girls. Something to seriously consider. 

Also, I'm going officially invite Diana (who reads this blog) to comment below on why she told Steven I was wearing a bra. 

I pretty clearly remember the humiliation of this incident. We were at  recess and I wanted to die. Which, now that I think of it, is actually is a way to describe a lot of incidents that took place in grade school.... 

Choosing pity over courage.

November 29, 1993

Dear Bethany,

Hi. Thanksgiving was great! 

Guess what happened today? We were in D.A.R.E (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) and we were putting skit things together when Connor goes to Fred "He looks like HE'S on drugs!" Even though Fred is a jerk, I still felt bad for him. 

Fred, of the elastic-waisted jeans and I had a common enemy: Connor. 

I do find it interesting that teachers never seem to get involved in these Connor-related fall outs. Where are they during all this? Telling someone they look like they're on drugs when they are ten years old seems like a pretty large offense. 

This is the most sympathy I have handed out thus far. I am relieved to know I actually exhibited signs of caring for other human beings. And god knows I wouldn't actually ASSOCIATE with Fred-- but I would secretly pity him. 

This is the entire entry that day, which means someone else's hurt feelings were the biggest event of my day. Which is nice, if severely lacking in actual courage. 

On a side note, the D.A.R.E. officer who was working this day (and every day) was Officer Mayo. (I think thats right. That could have just been our snarky nickname for him. I can't seem to remember). The same Officer Mayo would six years later be the officer on duty when I wrecked my car in a snow storm. And he remembered me from our D.A.R.E. days together. sigh.