Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Either fifth graders are evil, or I was actually inhabited by Satan for a while.

January 19, 1994

Dear Bethany,
I have lots to tell you. 
1. Well you know about Piper? Yesterday sucked so much that I started sobbing in shower and I whispered hoarsely, "why me, why is everything going wrong at the same time?" But today was lots better. Before math Piper sent me a note saying she was sorry. So I kinda forgave her.

2. On Tuesday Cathy and I were sliding on the ice outside the school. Then Patrick came by. I decided to exaggerate the story. I told everyone that Patrick had come over and almost asked me out! Oh well, I guess that sometimes lying makes me feel better. 

3. I looked in Allison's journal to a page about me. Guess what it said?? It said that for Christmas she wished that I had gotten her an M&M gumball machine like I got Piper. 

4. Cathy let me read something in her journal. It was a list of the prettiest girls in the grade. I was seventh. She also mentioned I wasn't really pretty, I was just attractive. It hurt a little but I'll live. 

5. You know how I said Cathy was beautiful? Well, I've been studying her and actually she's kinda gross. 

Yours,
Corey

Presumably someday I will be too humiliated to keep putting these entries online, but at the moment I feel so compelled because they make me laugh so hard, and I feel I need to share the joy. 
Where to start??? The description of myself crying and "whispering hoarsely" in the shower?? A tiny part of me feels bad for little Fifth Grade Corey. But the much larger, more influential part of me thinks my vivid description is maybe the best thing I've ever written. Ever. 

As an adult, I so rarely do more than one despicable thing a day. But apparently, when I was ten, days were much fuller. I told a total lie AND looked in someone's journal?? I am confused at the lack of guilt... I seem to mostly think everything I do is totally justifiable. 

But the best part of this entire entry, is #4, and the quick, i'm sure totally unrelated epiphany in #5. Clearly, Cathy calling me not pretty had NOTHING to do with my sudden decision that she is not beautiful but instead is gross. 
Because if these things were related, surely I would have owned up to that.... right? right???

oh. no....

5 comments:

  1. This is hilarious. HILARIOUS.

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  2. Oh man. I'm sorry for 5th grade Cor, but that description of the hoarse whisper made me laugh inappropriately loud in a public computer lab. Also "but sometimes lying just makes me feel better." This could be the best entry yet.

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  3. I'm so sorry you had to be friends with me. I sound pretty unbearable.

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