Thursday, May 27, 2010

Life sucks and I hate everything.

April 9,1995
Dear Bethany,
Hi! Nothing new is happening here. I was going to have a rehearsal for this movie I'm directing, but everyone called and said they couldn't make it. I'm SO burned up. I mean, they made a commitment and BOOM they kill it. So I guess I'll hang around and be bored today. Cool plans, huh? Oh well. Life is so hard on me. I try so hard to do something or be something and then it doesn't workout. Not just today, a lot. This whole year. Since June 23,1994 my life has sucked, gone down the drain, ya know? Hopefully it will all get better on June 23, 1995! It's been so tough. Everything. I hate my life. It's so mixed up. Just when I think everything is going great my world turns upside down and gets all screwed up. I just don't get it. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to burst into tears for no reason. And I have no one to talk to about this. If I told a friend they just wouldn't understand. But then again, neither do I!

Dude. If this isn't some fucking hardcore pre-adolescent crazy going down I don't know what is. I assume this is not all about the "movie" I was "directing (WHAT?? No really. WHAT??? What am I talking about?? Do I even have access to a video camera? What script are we using? And we're REHEARSING?? Seriously, how did no one stop me???)

I wish I knew what all the angst was about but I really don't. Hormones, mostly? I mean, I got Patrick to be my boyfriend my sheer will power... and yet I don't seem to get any happier. In fact, I get less happy. So it's not about unrequited love... I mean, what else is there when you're 12??

I hope this gets better. I think I'm depressed now. Not Crazy-12-year-old-Corey depressed... just like, "hey this sucks" depressed. Cause I swear to god I'm less angsty now. Really. I'm borderline sane now.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Reflections on Four Square

April 3, 1995

Dear Bethany,
Hello. I'm going to try very hard to write every day, but it'll be hard. I'm also gonna try not to get so much into stories, but more into feelings.

So much has changed this year. "Fights" between my friends and I are lasting longer, often for a month or more, or they are eternal fights (Farryl) It's so unbelievably hard on me. So much to think about.

Allison: straight A's, beautiful, perfect.
Ellen: Totally ignoring me sometimes.
Diana: Just different.
Sometimes I feel like Kristen and Piper are the only people in the world I can trust.

Also, this may seem like a very trivial thing but at recess every one of my good friends play four square and I don't know how to. I feel so left out. My outfits are cool though. And that's important to me. I guess I should try to think of reasons to talk to my friends so they won't play four square, or ask Piper how to play it... yeah, I think I'll do that.

My mom's always on me these telling me how unorganized and not responsible I am. It's not true. I'm just not perfect like everyone else in the world. What's wrong with that? Sorry I'm not perfect like Allison.

Also, Ellen is just acting so much like she hates me or something. I don't get it! She said she wanted to have a P.T. (Private Talk) with me, but I guess not. I mean, when I pulled her aside at recess she seemed like all she wanted to do was get away from me and get back to her fucking game. Why am I SO not cool???

Also, this is gonna sound REALLY weird but sometimes for no reason at all I get this really messed up feeling and I grit my teeth and shut my mouth very tight, and then I don't know what happens but sometimes it makes me feel better, like more relaxed and stuff. Well I guess I'll go now.
Peace and Love,

First things first. When did PIPER become one of the only people I could trust?? For any of you reading loyally you'll remember that I spent approximately a gajillion entries talking about what a horrible bitch Piper is. I have no explanation for this, which I guess is a product of me trying to focus my journaling on "feelings" and not "stories".

Agh, this Four Square stuff. I remember it WELL although it makes me want to die a little inside reading about it so earnestly. Why is childhood like that?? I was similarly stressed out about volleyball on the beach in the summers. Like, you can't just not want to do the thing everyone elseis doing without being a HUGE loser. And four square... I mean, is that even something that you actually have to LEARN how to play?? Don't you just like, bounce a ball around or something?

That my redeeming feature is my cool outfits is not surprising. That is one of the best things I have to offer in general. Sadly, at twelve my outfits definitely were NOT cool, so that was a pretty inaccurate telling of my good qualities. sigh. why am i so not cool? I guess I'll never know.

I so rarely speak about my family at all that I get a little shock when I talk about my parents. The beginning of adolescence is happening. No denying it. There's some serious angst going on.

As for my jaw clenching issues.... ummm I feel like that is not a good sign for little Corey. Or for big Corey for that matter. Poor little stressed out Corey! Don't worry. I didn't develop an OCD although it sounds a little compulsive and scary.

Um, I think I'm officially depressed now.
That, and laughing at the memory of telling my friends I needed to have a "P.T." with them. Why were we so into abbreviations and hand gestures?? Did we not have a full grasp of the English language?? Did we struggle with basic communication?

I do enjoy the reflective tone at the beginning of the entry. Clearly I'm practically turning into a sensitive, mature young adult. um. yeah.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


March 13, 1995

Hi! Soooo much has happened!! Most importantly, Patrick asked me out on my birthday. Exactle one month ago today. Speaking of my b-day I got a phone jack and a cool phone. I LOVE PATRICK! Here's the exact words:

Patrick: Corey would you like to go out with me?
Corey: Yes.
Patrick: Happy Birthday!
Corey: Thanks.

Phone conversation (that afternoon around 3:30. Diana was there.)
Patrick: Hi, Corey? This is Patrick.
Corey: Oh! Hi!
Patrick: I'm just calling cause Diana told me to.
Corey: Oh! (SILENCE) So.... how are you?
Patrick: Good, how are you?
Corey: I'm good. (MOM WALKS IN) Oh my god! I'm sorry- I really have to go!
Patrick: That's ok. Bye.
Corey: Bye!

Then later, about two weeks after that we talked again (at recess). I don't remember much but here's the idea:
Patrick: Hi.
Corey: Hi.
Patrick: So what did you do on vacation?
Corey: Um, I just stayed here. What did you do?
Patrick: I went to Florida.
Corey: Cool.
Patrick: It's snowing.
Corey: (GIGGLE)

You get the idea. Pointless conversations but when I look at him smiling at me I just get so nervous! I love him but I think i MIGHT like Jake, Reese, and Brad. But not like I love Patrick. I want to talk to him but I get so nervous when I try to.
Guess what?? I got into Nobles- the school I want to go to.

I LOVE PATRICK AND... HE LOVES ME! He does! Ellen asked him!


Well. Here's where it really begins. The true beginning of my love life, setting the stage for all that is to come. Obviously my standards for conversation were pretty minimal, as were my standards for actually connecting on level or, like, having a relationship. Oh, and by Patrick "asking me out" that DOES NOT MEAN A DATE. I'll give you the spoiler now. We never go on a date. NEVER. "Asking out" just means that now we... officially like each other? Get to have awkward public recess conversations? "love" each other? It's unclear what the exact rules are, but trust me, its FOR REAL.

A shout out to Diana for making this all happen... and making Patrick call me in what is surely the single most awkward phone call of my entire life. GOD I wish I had lived in a time where there were text messages. Soooo much easier. In fact, I don't think I'd have continued dating at all had text messages not come into my life. How could I possibly have a normal phone conversation with a potential boyfriend after THAT disaster?? Let's just say I'm still afraid of the phone. And I screen calls like a motherfucker.

Perhaps the most surprising part of the entry is that I also have suddenly developed feelings for THREE OTHER BOYS. I am such a commitment-phobe. WTF. I finally get the person I've been pining after for TWO WHOLE YEARS, and my first thought is that I also like three other people, one of whom is REESE, my friend Allison's boyfriend?!? Will I never be satisfied?? I think it's all making sense now... like, my whole life. I think I understand it all now. And I'm terrified.

Another shout out to Ellen for asking Patrick if he loves me. Which, thank god, he does. I mean, can't you tell? The love was deep, my friends. I actually think I miss the way you love when you're 12. It's a word that has a totally different meaning at that age then it does a decade or two later. Love was literally just the nervousness and excitement, the thrill. The singular focus. And as soon as Patrick and I make it official.... BOOM. He loves me.

There's something brewing here that has Deep Meaning, but I can't quite put my finger on it yet.