I am the best actress at camp. But no one knows it.

July 25, 1996

Beth,

I want to get a letter from Caroline. She is supposed to give a friendly letter to Bryan (HEART). He is supposed to write me too, but Caroline promised she would write me as soon as she gave him the letter, and she would write me what he thought of it and all. I got a letter from Mom and a package from Gramma and Pop-Pop. In it was a stupid magazine, a puzzle thing, mad libs, and a note from them. It's not very cool but I like packages so it's okay if it's not awesome, of course. But no letters from Caroline. KEEP ME IN SUSPENSE MUCH?? How annoying. Maybe tomorrow. 

At free choice today I'm auditioning for the camp play: The Lion King. I tried out last year but didn't get in. I don't know why either. I mean-- I'm pretty good. Definitely one of the best and most experienced actresses here. Not braggingly, but after all I have been PAID for acting. So I'm nervous that I won't make it. I think I will though. PRAY for me. 

Tonight Cece and I are singing a wicked stupid/silly song for campfire. And Sunday Night Campfire, Taylor, Cece and I are doing a skit about perseverance and understanding (this week's theme). 

I'M SO NERVOUS ABOUT AUDITIONS! I'm singing a song from Into The Woods. Wish me luck. Actually you can't because you're a journal!! 

Love,
Corey

I'm really glad I've been able to keep my humility in check with my acting abilities. Sigh.

And can you guess how my letter to Bryan is going to go?? CAN YOU? I mean, I don't want to shock you, but guys are not that into weird letters expressing your feelings when they are like 12. I can't confirm how they feel about it at 30, because I did finally stop doing it. But I'm going to guess it's never a good idea.

Also, I love my fake generosity about the care package from my grandparents. Clearly, I sort of know I'm supposed to think it's the thought that counts. But that ultimately I want cool presents.

Deep Thoughts at Camp

FROM CAMP
July 24. 1996

Bethany,

Hi! I got a great compliment. These two girls, Mary and Rachel, asked me how old I was. I said 13 and they said I looked really old. You know, like, I had a really mature face. Isn't that cool? 

I realized this year I'm never hyper. Cece pointed out that I'm always reading and writing. I'm so mellow. How strange. I never thought of myself that way but it's true. I was hyper once for a little while. But actually normally I'm totally laid back this year at camp. Not off the wall. In some ways it sort of upsets me. Everyone is joking and laughing and like jumping around the room and all I want to do is read and write. Isn't the strange? I think maybe it's because of my period which I'm having again. =( It should be over soon. 

Love,
Corey

And thus begins, like, five years of me feeling awkward around people having too much fun and not understanding why I'm suddenly all quiet and wanting to read and write all the time, and missing the part of myself that knew how to be all obnoxious and crazy, like a normal teenager.

And the book I'm reading at camp? SOPHIE'S WORLD. A novel about philosophy. Because I am now that girl. Maybe that's how my face got so mature??

The Love of My Life, Who I Hated Last Week

July 19. 1996

Bethany,

I think I actually love(d) Bryan. We're perfect for each other. I know it. Everything about it was new. I think I truly found my first love in him. He won't admit to even liking me. I think he does. He lives in California though. He has a girlfriend-- Wendy-- back there. But I think he knows we were meant for each other. I wrote him a letter for Jillian to give him after I leave for camp in two days. 

What I felt doesn't matter too much. It's sad but true. I have intense feelings for him but it doesn't matter. Living in the same time zone might be nice. We live different lives. He has never seen snow. I think I've seen way too much. Things like that. In that sense we are total opposites. On the other hand could it be possible that God meant for us to be together? We're both blonde, short, sarcastic, kind, happy, fast, tennis players, smart, etc. He's what I want. Some bitch in California got him instead, Story of my life. I'm 13. I've had only two boyfriends. I want more. If I don't get one this year...

If only something could have happened between Bryan and I. Why if we're so meant for each other do we live so far apart? It has to be fate that we both go to New Hampshire during the summers. Maybe he'll move to MA. I could even be content with New England. 

i'm getting over him. I can't love him from such a distance. In the dead of winter I won't even remember what Bryan Smith looks like. I have so much else. Maybe guys at school with like me more this year. Hope so! 

Love ya,

Corey

It must be mentioned that three entries ago I say Bryan is super weird and I don't like him anymore. So, re-read the entry with that in mind. That was approximately two weeks before this entry was written. Oh, TIME. 

Also you know Little Corey's serious when she starts writing LETTERS. That's always the sign that shit's getting real. Little Corey looooves writing letters to boys (or, sometimes, friends she now hates) about her deep feelings. Little Corey is also always convinced they will DO SOMETHING. They never do. 

I love that we cannot be together because I know snow so intimately and he does not. Damn I'm profound. Also, where's the God thing coming from? Was I going through some little religious phase? I totally went for it with the God talk... unexpected! Powerful! God cares about my Little Love Life! 

Most importantly: HOW MANY BOYFRIENDS DO I THINK I SHOULD HAVE HAD BY 13??? With such how expectations how will I ever be satisfied? (hint: I will never be satisfied. That is Corey's way, both Little and Old). 

Fate. Love. God. Playing Tennis. Being short and sarcastic. The passage of time. The way memories fade. This entry's got it all. 

I Am Old And Wise. But I'm Not Sure if I'm Pretty.

July 6, 1996

Bethany,

So I just went to the beach-- Caroline is busy today so tomorrow we will commit our time to Monopoly. It's the BEST board game! Anyway, about the beach. They are soooo immature. They play "hotel" and stuff. It's a group from ages like 5-12. It's so terrible. I don't want to hang out with people that still "play". It's awful. I have to realize that childhood is gone. The kids down there talk about fireworks and past summers. They try to make it sound like I do bad things-- only me. Especially Zoe. Everyone just loves good ole Zoe.Zoe has something against going places besides the beach. Especially on nice sunny days. My summer should be spent doing things that I love to do. Movies, shopping, talking, reading, writing, acting, singing, camp. Not games, swimming, and talking with people half my age. They can't expect me to want to either. I don't know why Zoe wants to. She's 12. She doesn't like ANYTHING I like. I mean most people around my age like SOMETHING from that list above. SIGH. So when Caroline isn't around, I'm left with nothing to do. Seriously, what can I do? I guess I'll work on my new book. 

I don't want summer to end, not matter how immature the beach is! 

Love ya,
Corey

PS: This is random: Am I healthy?
I hope so.
Also: Am I pretty? Who can I ask that will tell me the truth? Diana, if she pinky swears.... hmmm. 

First let's point out the obvious: I disapprove of people that "play". But I LOVE playing Monopoly. I seem to see no conflict here. Which should surprise exactly no one at this point.

Also I am unclear what this middle section is about. Where I am suddenly all deep about fireworks and "past summers". And what bad things was I doing?? I have no idea what I'm talking about. Maybe.... swearing? Being a massive bitch? I don't know. And why do I HAVE to realize childhood is gone? Did someone, like a parent or something, say that to me? Recommend I let go of my waning childhood at 13 years old? I'm gonna guess... yes.

The PS needs no comment. Except: Diana, pinky swear to tell the truth. AM I PRETTY?????

(remember when i was 9 and KNEW i was pretty. What happened to that girl?)

Everyone's Looking at Me.

July 5, 1996

Bethy,

I found out James is bi. Not that that's important. I don't think stuff like that is bad at all. It's a surprise. I know lots of gay people, but no one bisexual. I mean, he could still like me... if I was about seven years older. It would be really strange though. 

I'm alone on the beach waiting for Caroline. It's strange 'cause the lifeguards keep turning around, etc. Almost to rub it in that I'm alone, you know? The lifeguard girl is like turning around and staring at me. The beach is so strange this year because all the lifeguards are new and I'm pretty sure they are all total jerks, too Not exactly a great combination. Where's Caroline? We planned to come at 10:30 and it is now 10:35. Not like that's a huge difference, but I had the impression that she would come as soon as she hung up with me. 

There goes that stupid lifeguard again. Maybe she's obsessed with me. She's probably trying to figure out all about my life. 

Bryan's here. I don't know if I told you about him, but last year Kat and I literally fought over him. Now I think he's strange. Oh well. Things happen. 

I'm getting very annoyed now. Where's Caroline? It's 10:40. Ten minutes late. 

I talked to Diana last night. I miss her so much. 

Peace and Love,

Corey

My first documented thoughts on sexual diversity! And I don't think it's "bad". In fact, I'm even down with the idea of dating a 20 year old bisexual dude.... when I am THIRTEEN years old. So there's that.  

I'm basically live-tweeting my friend being 10 minutes late. Thank god Twitter didn't exist in the 90s. Because, um, I would clearly have used it terribly. 

I love that the most reasonable solution to anyone looking my way is that they're obsessed with me. 

And good ole Bryan. My like, decade-long beach crush every summer. I will soon stop thinking he is weird, and love him again. Any day now, I'm sure.

WHERE'S CAROLINE??? 

Scared of Sport, Guys, Bathing Suits

June 14, 1996

Hey there Beth! 

Diana can be so.... I don't know. Tightish. She's my best friend but she can just be so "say-one-thing-and-I'll-kill-you". You know what I mean? I'll say something and it like hits something in her brain or something and she just gets really mad. Not even really mad, just she screams. Sometimes I wish I  could tell her everything wrong with her, and she'd go fix it. 

There's a big all class pool party tomorrow! I can't wait. Well, fine. I'm a little nervous. I look good in a bathing suit. Diana AND my mom both say that. I guess what I'm really stressed about is the little issue of sports. I suck at volleyball and soccer, but what if no one else is bad at them and they all play and I look stupid because I'm NOT playing? Help! This could be very bad. On the other hand, maybe something interesting with guys could happen. Probably not to me though. Oh well. Talk to you later.

Peace and Love,
Corey

Sorry Diana. My unreasonable expectations for other people are finally catching up to you. And now I apparently want to just let you know everything I don't like about you, and then have you become a whole new person. Meanwhile, I am just a constant joy to be around.

Also what is this "screaming"? I don't remember Diana being particularly verbally abusive or anything. She wasn't like, constantly raging at me. Apparently, actually, she was mostly telling me how great I looked in a bathing suit. Sounds just terrible.

First pool party. Is there anything more anxiety inducing??

I Have An Amazing Personality. Seriously.

June 12, 1996

Dear Beth,

So I'm out of school finally. I mean I'm not saying the year was bad-- but it was a hell of a year! Just read through a few of my entries. Friends, grades, teachers, so much more. Adjustments are hard. Figuring out who you really are, what you really want to be. I still sort of wonder sometimes. I know what I want to be. I want people to say I have a passion for life, I really really really want to. I want to always be happy, helpful, diligent, fun optimistic. I am in some ways. At least I think so. A lot of other people think so too.  I know they do.

I can work on stuff, like how to treat people in my life. 

I think my personality could really do a lot for my life. 

So anyway, I'm totally psyched for summer. Who wouldn't be? I'm going to Bermuda soon. And then NH to do a theatre thing. I hope Brian, the one I was in The Sound of Music with, is in the theatre thing with me. I really think I might be in love with him. That probably sounds extreme but we're MADE for each other. 

-- Corey

Ah, I love it when Little Corey gets all deep. 

Also, who wants to be diligent??

And, are you as confused as I am about the sudden appearance of Love of My Life, Brian?? Because I have talked about Derek, Ned, and Joe this year... but this Brian dude is a mystery. He was an actor/dancer/singer I did musical theatre with and I think threw myself at eventually. 

And my personality has TOTALLY done SO MUCH for my life. So, that was a solid prediction for sure. 

Stop Trying to Be Deep, Penny!

May 5, 1996

To Bethany:

Ned and Nina are going out. It's okay though. I like Joe now. He is SO what I'm looking for. He's great! I hope we get together. Tess is working on it. Tess and I were just in a big fight that we resolved--what's new-- and I am beginning to get sooooo annoyed with Penny! She is trying to be something she's not. It's hard to explain but she's losing a lot of friends by doing it. But in some ways, that's her point. She tries to be deep-- as in like deep speeches. Ultra-feminist total individual. And by doing this she says stupid things that no one-- I repeat NO ONE in their right mind would ever agree with. I want to tell her but I know it won't help. It would just prove her point that she doesn't care what people think of her. Well, if that's what she wants I won't give her support, but I'll give her some amount of respect. 

--Corey 

What's great about 13 year old Corey is that she rebounds FAST. It's cool. Ned's now taken? Cool. I will move on to Joe! And also: Tess will make it HAPPEN. Who knew how much power she had??

I think it's so interesting how angry I get at Penny's "feminist" and "individual" views and opinions. I mean, I feel like even at 13, if anyone's feminist and individual its me. I wonder if I'm uncomfortable with Penny expressing some things I feel? Breaking the rules of middle school?

Or maybe she's just really annoying and trying to hard.

Corey is a Giant Hypocrite. But is Finally Also Right About Something.

April 30, 1996

Hey Bethany! 

Here at Nobles life is going great. I've made some REALY good friends with this girl I really like, Carissa. She's great. 
Ned and Derek are both good. 

Remember Penny? Smart, brown hair, talkative. She's changing. I can tell a lot about people. She is acting in some way that she finds funky. She used to babble a little and be sensitive and helpful and strong. Lately she's tried to be funny and more of an individualist. Everyone is thinking she is acting weird. She'll say really stupid things sometimes. I don't know how to stop her from changing herself. It seems mean to try. She shouldn't want to be what she's not. She tries to pretend she's spacey and always figuring people out, and she'll say stuff like "what is the definition anyway? Was it ever defined?" She'll "ponder" that, then she'll be like "Hmmm I'll think about that." She says she doesn't care what people think about her, but she tries to hang out with people like Nina and Tess. She's been clingy lately. I want to be with Carissa and Katie, and then she'll come along too. And she'll say some weirdo thing. I just don't understand. So many different kinds of people, why try to change your kind? 

Peace and Love,
Corey

Usually I disagree pretty vehemently with Little Corey, but in this instance I'm sort of like... yeah. That sounds pretty effing annoying actually. And yeah, it does sound like this chick is trying to BE someone deep and smart and to compensate for how uncomfortable middle school can be by pretending to "not care". Although I will say that Little Corey is a giant, giant hypocrite. Because lets be honest. Little Corey LOVES the idea of being deep and a "individualist". So you know, she may be right about this Penny chick, but come on. What I hated in Penny is DEFINITELY what I was insecure about in myself for SURE.

I AM SO TRANSPARENT.

I Want My Friends to be Happy.... Uh... Sort of

April 16,1996

Hey there Beth,

What's up? Not much here. Talked a lot to Ned today-- of course it was fun. Found out that Joe kind of likes Tess. Looks as though they may be an up and coming couple. Of course I'm happy but I don't want them to go out. I feel like Tess has it all. She has never had a boyfriend, but she might get the guy she wants. She has incredible grades and everyone has been (lately) talking about how pretty she is/will be. I mean, what about me? I want her to be happy, but not if it causes me a ton of jealousy. She will accidentally rub it in-- I know it. She's a great friend but I want to be a little like her. Did I mention how popular she is?? I guess I'm fairly popular and ok-looking, but you know. Oh well. 

Also Diana is getting a tiny bit bitchy. When I tell her good news she doesn't care and when I have bad news she will rub it in. She's my best friend, but I don't like her attitude. Sometimes she is great. But I can't deal with the other times. No one is perfect, but she is acting totally clueless lately. Talk about mood swings! 

Peace and Love,
Corey

What a surprise. I'm calling more of my friends bitchy.

And another surprise! I'm jealous of one of them.

Also why are people talking about how pretty she WILL BE? That's weird, right? Like, who is saying that exactly?? Adults? People our own age? Such a strange little distinction there.

I don't think Joe and Tess end up dating, but I might be wrong. I end up dating Joe in about a year. It's pretty exciting. Even though I'm only ok-looking.

Also it's driving me crazy that I keep calling myself "popular". It's just.... not true. At All. I was never, never remotely popular. Delusional, yes. Popular, no.

Sorry Tess and Diana. But if it makes you feel better I think everyone is bitchy and everyone makes me jealous. Soooo you're in good company.

I am SO MUCH LIKE JANE EYRE. Because of Our Prisons and Stuff.

The Fifith Journal: The Kissing Journal. Please note: On the inside page of this journal I have a running list of who these kissing children represent (ie: Me and Ned! Me and Joe! Me and Tim! etc.)

4/7/96

Hey Beth!
I have tons to look forward to-- especially the senior sixie dance! Ok I'm not gonna ramble about it-- although right now it's my whole life. I actually wanted to just talk deeply, express thoughts about things. 
I'm reading the book JANE EYRE. It shows so much about a trapped life. In my own way my life is trapped too. Jane speaks of liberty to do what she wants, as do I. She wants to be free of rules. I need to break away from my jail. The bars are people who i want to be friends with. I block myself in some odd way. I am caught in a strange sort of trap. I can escape and as we speak I slowly chisel the steel bars of popularity. When you are younger what you don't see is that once you escape trying to be popular, you become popular. As I grow out of my childhood jail, I can feel my own sort of freedom. When you stop worrying you feel confidence rise through your whole body. It shows, a little bit at a time. You stand up straighter, smile more, blush less, talk to people you barely know. I feel myself becoming who I am. As opposed to someone who will be whatever other people want me to be. I'm friends with so many people now, and it's good to know they are friends with Corey, and not the imprisoned child that lays inside me somewhere. 
I have so much ahead of me. No more "iron curtains". Just last week I was SO embarrassed about my terrible lacrosse playing, but I can't be good at everything-- and that's fine. Soon it will be over anyway. Next year I'll be an eighth grader, and eighth graders are what are scaring me this year, so next year nothing will scare me! I feel great. 
No one will ever understand my feelings, but that's fine. I can keep it inside. Inside my heart. That way it will stay there forever. But isn't it great to have freedom in your heart always?

Peace and Love,
Corey

Oh wow. Shit got deep here, guys. Um. If this is what I write in my journal about JANE EYRE, WTF did I write for an actual PAPER? I mean, those jail metaphors were SOLID.
I also love when I refer to my "childhood" over and over again. I'm 13. So... pretty solidly still in childhood I think.
Also, I'm so sad that I think my main thing to fear is eighth graders, and the certainty with which I believe that once I'm in eighth grade, I'll never be scared again.
Oh, Corey. That's so sweet. And so optimistic.
And why do I get the feeling that I legit quoted directly from JANE EYRE in this. Any English scholars out there recognize any plagiarizing???

Popular Kids Know How To Use Email!

3/18/96

Hey Bethy!

What's up? Today Mom and I went shopping for my room. I found some nice, antique beds. Mom said I could take over the guest room or the computer room (trade). I think I might actually move to the computer room. It would be SO much fun. I'm also thinking about getting a bed that is really low to the ground-- very modern. Mom isn't crazy about that, though-- not that it's her choice at all!! 

Today I got a few email messages from Nina. She's Tess's really good friend. I didn't think she liked me at all! But she does. She's helping me find out whether Ned likes me or not (they are good friends). She's telling me some of her secrets! She's very popular she's been writing other random notes to me-- I'm even on her mailing list now! She even suggested we do something this week. Does that rule or what?? She's so fun to be with. And now that I'm, like, best friends with Tess again, and I'm really close with Alice, Claudia, and Lily... I'm popular! I also have good friends in the "other" group, that are very cool!! I AM HAPPY!!

--Corey


What seventh grader in 1996 has a mailing list? And oh for the days when being on someone's mailing list was a GOOD thing.

But really. Mass emails?? About... what?? I mean, we weren't like, famous. We didn't have gigs or big announcements sooooo I assume her mass emails were about, like, math homework?

But okay. That's what the popular kids were doing. And now I'm one of them!!! Except, I'm not. I'm actually not positive if I maybe had like five minutes of popularity and then it changed, or if I just was never actually popular at all but SUPER delusional. I'm thinking the latter. I feel like being popular is something I would remember, right?

Also, I love my proclamation that what kind of bed I get isn't my mom's choice. Um. It's not like I'M paying for a bed with my 13-year-old Saturday night babysitting salary of like 4 bucks an hour. Soooo I'm pretty sure it IS kinda my mom's choice.

Minor parenting fail.

I Fall In Love With a Boy At The Mall.

3/17/96

Hey Bethany!

Wassup! Nothing with me. It's St. Patrick's Day. I wore a green bra, shirt, scrunchie, plastic ring (very in).

I went to the Natick Mall with Kristen, Diana and Ellen. It was sooooo fun. I got a mini-backpack (in), wallet, Seventeen magazine, a Charleston Chew (my favorite candy), some bath beads (I now have nine!) and 12 stick of incense (I now have 32 altogether). 

On Friday Kristen and I went to see the movie "Up Close and Personal". It was wicked good! All the romantic movies make me sad though. =( I want Ned so badly! I kept thinking I would bump into Ned at the mall today, and we'd go to Friendly's together, and share a Fribble (sort of like a milkshake) and he'd ask me out and kiss me. NO SUCH LUCK! 

I did see a cute guy sitting in the food court. He had a very nice body, and brown hair, and nice eyes-- his eyes weren't half of date as Ned's (no one competes with him) but he looked a bit hotter. I think he may have been checking me out. I think guy-strangers are actually starting to-- but it wouldn't matter. Not like I'll ever see him again. Unless of course he's applying to Nobles and he comes and he and Ned fight over me. YEAH RIGHT! 

I wonder if guys talk about girls. I wonder who they talk about. I'm sure they don't talk about me. Some guys in my grade have forgotten my existence. Probably not Ned since we're such good friends! Friends is pretty good too, I can be around him a whole lot, and talk to him, and smile at him and laugh with him (and at him). But I wonder if he's ever thought of me for something else. Like a girlfriend for instance? He has no idea how I feel about him. He really is clueless that I like him-- my friends agree. We could figure it out if he did. He knew about Hayley. She asked him out in December-- he said no. He also told Tess that he thinks Hayley's annoying (cha-ching!!!!) Which, of course, she is. 

Peace and Love,
Corey

I love my assessment of what's "in". And my need to tell my JOURNAL how "in" I am. Plastic rings! Mini backpacks! I could not have been any cooler, guys.

Also, this may be the most MA-centric entry yet. What with my use of the word "wicked" and my dreams of sharing not a milkshake, but a Friendly's Fribble with my crush (side note: I'm pretty sure a Fribble IS a milkshake, not is just "sort of like" a milkshake) (other side note: why am I having 1950s style fantasies about milkshake-sharing?)

Also, what happened to 11-year-old Corey who thought she was HOT SHIT?? I mean, I'm cute at 13 than I am at 11 (marginally. let's not go crazy. cutER, not actually cute). But suddenly I've had some epic confidence crash.

Also-- I love how pissed I was at Hayley for trying to steal Derek from me, but i have ZERO qualms about going after Ned after he turned her down. And reveling in his rejection of her. Keeping it classy as always, little Corey.

Lastly, What is UP with the incense collection?? I know that I don't actually USE the incense because I'm terrified of fire, so there's no way I'm like, lighting matches or lighters. Nor would I be allowed to in my room anyway, i'm sure. So I guess I just sit around surrounded by 32 sticks of incense just.... sniffing them??

Just when I think I can't possibly get any cooler....

I want a Fribble. Who's in?

Stop Thinking You're So Cute, Hayley.

March 13, 1996

Bethy,

I'm so deep in my hatred for Hayley it is unbelievable. She is just the biggest bitch in history. I despise her. I invited her to chat on NoblesNet and the first thing she said was "Do you write Derek on NN?" I said no, do you? And she goes: "yeah... but I was just curious."

YEAH RIGHT!!!!

She just wants to play with jealousy! Can you believe her?? She wrote him an NN note to say happy birthday to him (Sunday) and he wrote back and now they write. She goes "I think you should write him." Probably thinking that I wouldn't. Of course I did! Heehee. If he wrote her back, he'll write me back, definitely. I hate Hayley. She has all the teachers and upper-schoolers thinking she's cute and sweet, when really she's out to get people-- like me! How low can you get? I just hate her! I can't believe she's in love with MY Senior/sixie date. She'll probably ask him to dance at the dance. I would, of course, never speak to her if she did. He either"

1. wouldn't have the heart to turn her down. Plus probably thinks she's cute.

2. Would feel bad since he's MY date and would say no.

3. (most likely) would feel bad for me so he would ask me if it was okay-- I wouldn't have a choice but to say it was fine.

I HATE HAYELEY!!

The only problem is that I can't say I'm mad at her for flirting with Derek. Because she'd either tell him or say something like "You don't own him!" 

Oh! I hate her. But she'll never know.

Bye!

-Cor

Again. To recap. Derek is 18. A senior in high school. I am thirteen and a really huge loser. The idea of me fighting over him with Hayley, or feeling like I have any kind of ownership over him because he is going to a weird senior/seventh grader dance with me in the spring is cray-cray. Seriously guys. Delusion City. 

Poor guy is getting emails (A "Nobles Net" or "NN" message means EMAIL on the school email system. It's 1996. I don't have the lingo down yet) like, daily, from seventh graders. And not even popular ones. With the perspective of a 29 year old I now see Derek opening his email, rolling his eyes, and asking his friends how the hell he can get these 13 year olds to lay the fuck off. I just don't think it's cute anymore. I think I passed into the stalker phase sometime in, like, January with him. 

And poor Hayley. I mean, I've only known the girl for 6 months but the hatred I have for her is at the level of someone I've known for my whole life. 

But I like that my 13 year old self has some sort of radar for bullshit. I respect that. 13 year old Corey thinks Hayley is faking it and fooling everyone. But you CAN'T FOOL ME. I see the quiet manipulation. I see the evil undertones. I see the fake cuteness. I see it all.

Or, you know, I possibly have invented it all in my head. For all I know Hayley legit was offering me advice on how to get with Derek. 

...but I doubt it. 

In which "On Bended Knee" Becomes my Favorite Song

3/11/96


Dear Bethany,
Hi! I probably had the best time of my life at Tess's batmitzvah on Saturday. They had two fortune tellers who really predicted the right things. The only problem is that they told all my friends that they were going to get boyfriends soon, but they told me that I was having trouble with boys. Oh well! 
They also had a karaoke thing that gave you a tape of your singing. Jill, Abby and I sang to "Only Want to be With You" by Hootie and the Blowfish. It is sooooo funny. They also had this photo thing where you got dressed in a costume. Abby, Jill and I did it. It ruled. They had cotton candy and this candy thing where you took a bag and put in any candy that you wanted. It was incredible. Want to hear the best part???? Derek was there!! {NOTE: THIS IS the SENIOR IN HS THAT I AM OBSESSED WITH WHO WILL BE GOING TO THE CREEPY SEVENTH GRADER/SENIOR DANCE WITH ME) Yes, he's friends with Tess's brother, so he came. 


First the DJ dude said "pick a partner" and I was going to go with my friend, but the Derek goes "Corey!" so I did a fast dance with him. It was so funny. He kept moving everywhere! Then I danced a slow dance with Ned, and then a slow dance with Derek. They both asked me!!! Talk about awesome! I don't remember what song I dance with Nick to but with Derek I danced to "On Bended Knee" by Boyz 2 Men. At the end of the song-- the last time they sing "on bended knee" he went down on one knee. It was the sweetest thing any guy has ever done! And at the very end he took my hand and shook it and said "Thank you very much, Madame". 


Ned just came over to me and goes "shorty" (his nickname for me), and then I danced with him. We talked the whole times. Both dances were absolute sheer magic. I really believe that. I am totally lovesick though. For both Derek AND Ned. I love them both!!! It's to the point where it's really pathetic. I'm almost depressed. Every song I hear I picture myself dancing with either Ned or Derek. My new fave song is "On Bended Knee". Oh I'm so lame! 


Peace and Love,
Corey


Awwww, okay. I still think the senior-sixie dance, in which seventh graders and seniors in high school go on a date to a dance together is the creepiest idea by school ever came up with. But I mean Derek, my senior date for a dance that is still, like, months away, is maybe the nicest guy ever. I mean, I'm this loser of a thirteen year old. And he's a fucking eighteen year old with way better things to do that encourage my extremely obvious crush. So... thanks Derek!

I love that Derek, the senior, is all adorable and sweet and getting down on one knee. And of course the boy my age, Ned, just calls me "shorty". But it's just as magical.

Ah, love.

Also, Tess's batmitzvah is still maybe the greatest party I've ever been to in my entire life. Seriously. I don't think it gets much better than TWO fortune tellers, unlimited candy and a tape of myself singing Hootie.

All My Friends are Bitches.

3/6/96
Beth,


Oops! I haven't been sticking by my little weekly thing yet! Oh Well! My life is going well. Tomorrow=end of school (or rather last day before a 2 week March vacation).  I cannot wait. Tess's batmitzvah is the 9th and I'm wearing a very cool dress that I think makes me look really sexy/beautiful (sorry to brag to you. but it's not like I'm gonna brag to you, but it's not like I'm gonna brag to Hayley or Tess or anyone!) 
I'm going to ask Ned to dance at Tess's party!! it's not like he'd say no, so that should be great! I'm nervous though-- he'll either not want to dance, want to dance as a friend, or want to dance like REALLY dance, if you know what I mean.... But we're such good friends that I'm thinking I'm guaranteed a "yes". 
Also, Diana's parents are gonna be away for the weekend and she's staying here all weekend! The only bad thing is (yuck) dinner tonight-- chicken pot pie. Corey no want! 
Oh, the other bad thing is grades (possibly) and this science project thing. Also, Hayley is a bitch. Okay, so maybe bitch is a tad strong, but still! I mean, she is annoying as hell, and is definitely a brat. I am trying the good ole ignore tactic. Avoiding is always a good source of fun! 
Youth group tomorrow should be fun!
Diana got a bra. Um, that's it! 
Peace and Love,
Corey


I really tend to hate my best friends. It's sort of amazing. I don't know if you've noticed but basically my ONLY friends at my new school are Tess and Hayley, and I have bitched about both of them basically non stop. And called both of them annoying bitches. The only person who I usually seem to like is Diana. Who got a bra. Which is great. And Big News.

And yep. I used the phrase "Corey no want". I'm now baby-talking in my journal. WTF.

How to Be Popular. A Five Week Plan.

2/25/96


Dear Beth,
I really want to work on the new image. It has to start slowly. Here are the steps. 1=week one; 2=week two, 3=week three, etc. 


1. Start talking to new people (Kayla, Lily, Morgan). Do this while keeping friends with Jane, Hayley, Ella, etc. I talk to these people already, but become friends with them. 


2. Clothes/Style: Start wearing what I want to wear. People should respect that. Get my own fashion.


3. FLIRT: have fun with flirting! Ned, Tim, Brad, whoever. Don't be slutty, just be nice. Fit what they want. 


4. School-- work as hard as you can!


5. Work on putting it ALL together-- confidence, style, and everything else. 


This is my key to happiness! Yea! 


Love and Peace,
Corey


I'm not sure commentary is at all necessary for this. It's basically the most humiliating thing I've ever seen in my life. I want it to not be written by me so, so badly.

But alas. I actually said "FIT WHAT THEY WANT" about flirting with boys. At barely 13. I think this is a commentary on feminism and stuff but I'm so effing embarrassed I can't get there. Someone help a girl out, and make this meaningful instead of just horrifying.

Thirteen Year Old Corey Declares: I AM FAILING LIFE! 29 Year Old Corey Agrees.

February 20, 1996
Hi!
Yes I still like Derek-- but he can be very moody. Some days he is extra happy to see me, other days he gives me the "go away, you bother me" impression. No worries though, 'cause I REALLY like this guy named Ned. I think MAYBE he likes me- but it could be total crap. I REALLY like him. He makes fun of me and calls me shorty but I do the same and call him Metal Mouth. He's a total hottie!


I know I'm not as smart as I used to be-- now I'm a fool. I've GOT to be the stupidest girl in the whole grade!! I AM FAILING LIFE!! Tess and I are having major problems. But we've been talking them out -- hopefully they'll heal. Ihem. 


My birthday was cool. I can officially call Diana's mom by her first name. I got a "top-notch" stereo, clothes, CD, M.E. stuff, candle holder, incense, beanie babies, frames, earring, Sweet Factory candy and gift certificates, ETC! Pretty funky. 


I've been thinking. To make my life the way I want it I need to do something. Work on my looks. Get more stuff to do on the weekends. Talk more with people I want to talk with. Go back to stuff I did last year, like write notes to my best friends, like all the great ones Diana and I wrote. ALSO, I should consider writing a secret admirer note to Ned. Or not. Who knows?? All I know is to improve my life I need to improve my tactics-- find the new Corey-- or the old one. 


Peace and Love,
Corey


1. Derek probably gives me the "go away you bother me" look because I am 12 and he is 18 and i am, legitimately, bothering him. This never really occurs to me.

2. I have no idea why I suddenly decide I am the stupidest girl ever. Liking Ned?? Or am I doing badly in school? Or is it because I'm so unhappy? I don't know, but it makes me sad. I don't remember ever feeling that way.

3. ... Not that I really disagree. I am sort of stupid when I'm 12.

4. Or, I'm sorry, recently 13. With a TOP NOTCH STEREO. This list of presents is sort of the perfect example of how in between moments I am. I'm still getting beanie babies, but I have a new stereo. And who gave me effing INCENSE? Talk about an identity crisis. I guess I was having one of my many hippie moments.

5. The Sweet Factory was the best.

6. Oof. That last paragraph. On one level: I get it. I'm still searching. On the other level: my ideas for how to REACH contentment are so sad. "work on my looks"?? What does that mean, in seventh grade. I mean, I weighed like 70 pounds. I don't need to lose weight or like, get botox. What am I going to do to fix myself up? And for the love of GOD, Corey, do NOT write a secret admirer note! I don't know why this is my go-to man-getting strategy, but it has go to stop.

7. Basically, I'm pretty deep for a 13 year old. And maybe never feel like I have things the way I want them. EPIPHANY.

I Fall For a Hunk and a Half. Yep.

January 22, 1996

Beth,

Sorry I haven't written for such a long time. I see Derek sooooo much! He still rules! Don't worry! I also really like a guy named Ned. I've been KINDA thinking of asking him out... who knows? Kristen asked Aaron out and he said he'd tell her tomorrow. She's psyched. I HOPE he says yes but... I don't know if he will.

I'm mad at Tess. I can't explain it. I just get very annoyed with her. You know that deep feeling when you want to slap someone. There you go. She "doesn't care" about Jason and Derek anymore! Hayley still does though! Brenda-- he's a hunk and a half!!

A really cute guy slept over with my brother Saturday. He's taken, he's my brother's friend's boyfriend. Lucky!!

Bethy, help! Should I ask Ned out?? If he says no will I be able to talk to him again? (we're friends). And if he said yes, would I mess up while kissing him? I've never kissed anyone. I don't want advice, unless it's from someone who knows what he'll say... Is there anyone I could ask??

I'll think about it.

Love,

Corey

I do end up dating Ned.... but two years later. And I'm guessing he would not have said yes if I went for it in seventh grade. He was pretty effing popular with the ladies and I was.... quirky. You know, with a unicycle and shit. I did NOT end up dating my brother's friend's boyfriend, however. Because, you know, my brother was 17 at the time and i was TWELVE. So.... way to shoot for the stars, Corey.

Also: "that feeling where you want to slap someone"... that does not sound like a normal way to feel about my best friend. Am I a secret sociopath? And more importantly, will 29-year old Tess, who is still my friend, hate me now that she knows of my secret urge to hit her?

Oh and this phrase "a hunk and a half"... uhhh wow. That's a new one. I officially think I like INSIDE an Archie Comic.

A Testament to how much I LOVE Father of the Bride

December 9,1995

Hey Beth!

Guess what? My brother has this cool girlfriend, Tess. She's really nice. It's like a dream come true. She's like nice to me and comes here and talks to me, has dinner with the family. Stuff that is always in books!! I hung around all night with my brother and Tess and made chocolate chip cookies and all of us talked and it was SO FUN.

Oh my god, the scariest thing that has EVER happened, happened to me today. Diana, my dad, her dad, and I were going to lunch and a movie. So we were driving on this street. We got into a little rut in the road and when we tried to get out of it the car did a 360 degree turn! The whole world was spinning! Then we crashed into this metal rail that, if it broke, it would have been a VERY steep drop. Diana and I started crying and holding hands. Her dad felt so bad. His bumper fell off! It was disappointing though, because I REALLY wanted to see Father of the Bride Two. Oh well.

I can't WAIT until Christmas. My top choices are: a chameleon, a unicycle, and a stereo. I'm SURE I'll get one of them! YES!

See ya!

Cor

Yeah you read that right. The car crash I got into with my best friend and our dads was "disappointing" because it made me miss Father of the Bride TWO.

I also wonder what books I am reading that involve your older brother's girlfriend hanging out and making cookies. I guess I had not started reading my angsty books yet. Also, I love that I compare it to a book and not a movie. 'Cause I am so that girl.

And of course, the Christmas list. I never, ever, managed to have a normal-person Christmas list. I mean, a chameleon and a unicycle???

Um, I got the unicycle, and taught myself to ride it in our basement.

Let's just call it "quirky".

In Which I Use the Word Grody Unironically.

December 8, 1995

Bethy,

Guess what? I didn't see Derek Friday last week, this weekend, or ALL this week. He was absent until today and I just didn't see him today-- how sad! My NoblesNet password is "Here", symbolic of Derek being in school again today. I don't want to forget it, I've been changing my passwords a lot lately.

I saw Patrick yesterday and today. Grody!! I hate him soooo much. He's just disgusting. And he looks at me, too (ok, fine, so I look at him....)

I really like these guys: Trevor, Ned, Josh and, of course DEREK!! (no shit, Sherlock). They're all pretty cute, though.

Tess and Hayeley are both a bit bitchy sometimes. They fight a lot- I'm kind of in the middle. Each one expects me to agree with them. I don't know! help!

Ta-ta!

Corey

Things to think about:

1. I seem to have developed a rather severe ADD. That's concerning.

2. NoblesNet. My high school's own little 90s internet system. I just like the mention of it in here. It's so adorable. And my password was Here. Here. Because you know, in the 90s you could have a four-word, no numbers or symbols password. NOSTALGIA.

3. The word grody. Which I seem to have used un-ironically.

4. The fact that I already think my ex-boyfriend is "grody". This is surprising only if you have not met me.

5. Of the guys I list in this entry as guys I like, I ended up dating two of the four of them. I think those are some solid odds.

6. How did I know that Derek was out of school for a few days? He's a senior and I'm a seventh grader. Did I ask around?? Was I legitimately stalking him? It's possible I was even crazier than I thought.