Stop Trying to Be Deep, Penny!

May 5, 1996

To Bethany:

Ned and Nina are going out. It's okay though. I like Joe now. He is SO what I'm looking for. He's great! I hope we get together. Tess is working on it. Tess and I were just in a big fight that we resolved--what's new-- and I am beginning to get sooooo annoyed with Penny! She is trying to be something she's not. It's hard to explain but she's losing a lot of friends by doing it. But in some ways, that's her point. She tries to be deep-- as in like deep speeches. Ultra-feminist total individual. And by doing this she says stupid things that no one-- I repeat NO ONE in their right mind would ever agree with. I want to tell her but I know it won't help. It would just prove her point that she doesn't care what people think of her. Well, if that's what she wants I won't give her support, but I'll give her some amount of respect. 

--Corey 

What's great about 13 year old Corey is that she rebounds FAST. It's cool. Ned's now taken? Cool. I will move on to Joe! And also: Tess will make it HAPPEN. Who knew how much power she had??

I think it's so interesting how angry I get at Penny's "feminist" and "individual" views and opinions. I mean, I feel like even at 13, if anyone's feminist and individual its me. I wonder if I'm uncomfortable with Penny expressing some things I feel? Breaking the rules of middle school?

Or maybe she's just really annoying and trying to hard.

Corey is a Giant Hypocrite. But is Finally Also Right About Something.

April 30, 1996

Hey Bethany! 

Here at Nobles life is going great. I've made some REALY good friends with this girl I really like, Carissa. She's great. 
Ned and Derek are both good. 

Remember Penny? Smart, brown hair, talkative. She's changing. I can tell a lot about people. She is acting in some way that she finds funky. She used to babble a little and be sensitive and helpful and strong. Lately she's tried to be funny and more of an individualist. Everyone is thinking she is acting weird. She'll say really stupid things sometimes. I don't know how to stop her from changing herself. It seems mean to try. She shouldn't want to be what she's not. She tries to pretend she's spacey and always figuring people out, and she'll say stuff like "what is the definition anyway? Was it ever defined?" She'll "ponder" that, then she'll be like "Hmmm I'll think about that." She says she doesn't care what people think about her, but she tries to hang out with people like Nina and Tess. She's been clingy lately. I want to be with Carissa and Katie, and then she'll come along too. And she'll say some weirdo thing. I just don't understand. So many different kinds of people, why try to change your kind? 

Peace and Love,
Corey

Usually I disagree pretty vehemently with Little Corey, but in this instance I'm sort of like... yeah. That sounds pretty effing annoying actually. And yeah, it does sound like this chick is trying to BE someone deep and smart and to compensate for how uncomfortable middle school can be by pretending to "not care". Although I will say that Little Corey is a giant, giant hypocrite. Because lets be honest. Little Corey LOVES the idea of being deep and a "individualist". So you know, she may be right about this Penny chick, but come on. What I hated in Penny is DEFINITELY what I was insecure about in myself for SURE.

I AM SO TRANSPARENT.

In which "On Bended Knee" Becomes my Favorite Song

3/11/96


Dear Bethany,
Hi! I probably had the best time of my life at Tess's batmitzvah on Saturday. They had two fortune tellers who really predicted the right things. The only problem is that they told all my friends that they were going to get boyfriends soon, but they told me that I was having trouble with boys. Oh well! 
They also had a karaoke thing that gave you a tape of your singing. Jill, Abby and I sang to "Only Want to be With You" by Hootie and the Blowfish. It is sooooo funny. They also had this photo thing where you got dressed in a costume. Abby, Jill and I did it. It ruled. They had cotton candy and this candy thing where you took a bag and put in any candy that you wanted. It was incredible. Want to hear the best part???? Derek was there!! {NOTE: THIS IS the SENIOR IN HS THAT I AM OBSESSED WITH WHO WILL BE GOING TO THE CREEPY SEVENTH GRADER/SENIOR DANCE WITH ME) Yes, he's friends with Tess's brother, so he came. 


First the DJ dude said "pick a partner" and I was going to go with my friend, but the Derek goes "Corey!" so I did a fast dance with him. It was so funny. He kept moving everywhere! Then I danced a slow dance with Ned, and then a slow dance with Derek. They both asked me!!! Talk about awesome! I don't remember what song I dance with Nick to but with Derek I danced to "On Bended Knee" by Boyz 2 Men. At the end of the song-- the last time they sing "on bended knee" he went down on one knee. It was the sweetest thing any guy has ever done! And at the very end he took my hand and shook it and said "Thank you very much, Madame". 


Ned just came over to me and goes "shorty" (his nickname for me), and then I danced with him. We talked the whole times. Both dances were absolute sheer magic. I really believe that. I am totally lovesick though. For both Derek AND Ned. I love them both!!! It's to the point where it's really pathetic. I'm almost depressed. Every song I hear I picture myself dancing with either Ned or Derek. My new fave song is "On Bended Knee". Oh I'm so lame! 


Peace and Love,
Corey


Awwww, okay. I still think the senior-sixie dance, in which seventh graders and seniors in high school go on a date to a dance together is the creepiest idea by school ever came up with. But I mean Derek, my senior date for a dance that is still, like, months away, is maybe the nicest guy ever. I mean, I'm this loser of a thirteen year old. And he's a fucking eighteen year old with way better things to do that encourage my extremely obvious crush. So... thanks Derek!

I love that Derek, the senior, is all adorable and sweet and getting down on one knee. And of course the boy my age, Ned, just calls me "shorty". But it's just as magical.

Ah, love.

Also, Tess's batmitzvah is still maybe the greatest party I've ever been to in my entire life. Seriously. I don't think it gets much better than TWO fortune tellers, unlimited candy and a tape of myself singing Hootie.

I Fall For a Hunk and a Half. Yep.

January 22, 1996

Beth,

Sorry I haven't written for such a long time. I see Derek sooooo much! He still rules! Don't worry! I also really like a guy named Ned. I've been KINDA thinking of asking him out... who knows? Kristen asked Aaron out and he said he'd tell her tomorrow. She's psyched. I HOPE he says yes but... I don't know if he will.

I'm mad at Tess. I can't explain it. I just get very annoyed with her. You know that deep feeling when you want to slap someone. There you go. She "doesn't care" about Jason and Derek anymore! Hayley still does though! Brenda-- he's a hunk and a half!!

A really cute guy slept over with my brother Saturday. He's taken, he's my brother's friend's boyfriend. Lucky!!

Bethy, help! Should I ask Ned out?? If he says no will I be able to talk to him again? (we're friends). And if he said yes, would I mess up while kissing him? I've never kissed anyone. I don't want advice, unless it's from someone who knows what he'll say... Is there anyone I could ask??

I'll think about it.

Love,

Corey

I do end up dating Ned.... but two years later. And I'm guessing he would not have said yes if I went for it in seventh grade. He was pretty effing popular with the ladies and I was.... quirky. You know, with a unicycle and shit. I did NOT end up dating my brother's friend's boyfriend, however. Because, you know, my brother was 17 at the time and i was TWELVE. So.... way to shoot for the stars, Corey.

Also: "that feeling where you want to slap someone"... that does not sound like a normal way to feel about my best friend. Am I a secret sociopath? And more importantly, will 29-year old Tess, who is still my friend, hate me now that she knows of my secret urge to hit her?

Oh and this phrase "a hunk and a half"... uhhh wow. That's a new one. I officially think I like INSIDE an Archie Comic.

In Which I Use the Word Grody Unironically.

December 8, 1995

Bethy,

Guess what? I didn't see Derek Friday last week, this weekend, or ALL this week. He was absent until today and I just didn't see him today-- how sad! My NoblesNet password is "Here", symbolic of Derek being in school again today. I don't want to forget it, I've been changing my passwords a lot lately.

I saw Patrick yesterday and today. Grody!! I hate him soooo much. He's just disgusting. And he looks at me, too (ok, fine, so I look at him....)

I really like these guys: Trevor, Ned, Josh and, of course DEREK!! (no shit, Sherlock). They're all pretty cute, though.

Tess and Hayeley are both a bit bitchy sometimes. They fight a lot- I'm kind of in the middle. Each one expects me to agree with them. I don't know! help!

Ta-ta!

Corey

Things to think about:

1. I seem to have developed a rather severe ADD. That's concerning.

2. NoblesNet. My high school's own little 90s internet system. I just like the mention of it in here. It's so adorable. And my password was Here. Here. Because you know, in the 90s you could have a four-word, no numbers or symbols password. NOSTALGIA.

3. The word grody. Which I seem to have used un-ironically.

4. The fact that I already think my ex-boyfriend is "grody". This is surprising only if you have not met me.

5. Of the guys I list in this entry as guys I like, I ended up dating two of the four of them. I think those are some solid odds.

6. How did I know that Derek was out of school for a few days? He's a senior and I'm a seventh grader. Did I ask around?? Was I legitimately stalking him? It's possible I was even crazier than I thought.

Corey's First Breakup. Goodbye, Patrick.

November 27, 1995

Bethany,

This has been the worst day of my life! I'm not exaggerating! I guess you should know the big news. PATRICK DUMPED ME!!!!

I was kinda thinking along the lines of me dumping him-- I guess not! It was sad. I have to realize it now-- have to let it settle in. It refuses to. I guess on top of all that, the fact I got bad grades on EVERYTHING and cried in school about the C+ on my To Kill A Mockingbird paper that I worked really hard on, it had a huge impact on me, and leaves an empty feeling in my stomach.

I can so clearly remember when I gave him a valentine day with hearts all over it and messages like "P+C=true love forever" and he gave me a valentine with hearts on it. The first note he gave me that said "LOVE, Patrick." The best day of my life was the day he asked me out. I used to love him. I don't anymore. But it hurts. It hurts to have your first "true love", your first boyfriend bumped out of your life. There's a big hole in my stomach, waiting for me to cry. Should I feel free or sad? Does this mean I'm really ugly? An idiot? WHY did he dump me? I need someone to give me a big hug and rock me back and forth and tell me its okay. I need a friend here. I'm too alone.

What should I do? WHY am i not crying? Aren't I supposed to? Is life going to be different? I NEED A FRIEND! Someone HAS to help me!

I HOPE it's a better day tomorrow. I'm NOT exaggerating when I say this is the worst day of my life!!!

-Corey

Awwww my first break up. What amuses me most of all here is that I explain every detail of every day of my little life, EXCEPT explaining like, HOW Patrick actually dumped me. Did he call? I mean, I assume it was a phone call but I want to know exactly what he said and what I said! Why, after all this time of being so detailed, would I now suddenly skimp on details?

It's actually a sad thing-- like those moments are lost .Which I know is normal for everyone else, but when you have almost 20 years of journals, it's actually unusual to not have a record of the Big Moments.

And this is one of the Big Ones. Right? Right? Except for the not crying thing. Which I guess soooooort of undermines the whole thing.

Besides, twelve-year-old Corey is too obsessed with eighteen-year-old Derek and his many high-fives and "hi there"s in school to really care about Patrick, my "first true love" dumping me.

Still, end of an era. Patrick has been the main focus of my journals since they began in 1993. MILESTONE.

I SHOULD be popular, and other musings.

November 8, 1995

Dear Bethany,

Did you ever notice that once a person is popular enough the don't really care about anyone else. They forget who they were and concentrate on who they are. Did you ever notice that when someone is popular enough they control you. They play with your feelings. Almost as if they're playing tennis and your heart is the tennis ball. They don't care what they do to you-- as long as your response back works for them.

Did you ever notice how you are never the one in charge. Everyone cares about the popular one-- but no one gives a shit about you. The popular one's friend-- the sidekick. Never the first. The second.

Ever notice that when you say something funny no one laughs but when someone loved by everyone says the same thing ten seconds later, the class is in hysterics, like they said it better. Why is that? Is it that people don't care about the way you think? Or are you just a play thing, a joke.

You're a nice starting place, a home base. But never the real friend. You're ALWAYS the one the popular can turn to if no one else is around... and you can count on them to be there when you're overdue for some insults.

Ever notice that no one cares about your feelings?

Have you ever noticed that no one notices?

SUCH an annoying day. EVERYONE, including Hayley, was dissing me so bad and everyone else laughed and NO ONE stood up for me. WHY AM I NOT AS POPULAR AS HAYLIE AND KATIE?

I have tons of friends, but I don't have any popularity. I have some problem. Everyone is against me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Peace (kinda) and Love (I don't have any),

Corey

Has there ever been a more quintessential middle school moment than expressing, at long last, the thought: "Everyone is against me"? I have no memory of writing this entry, although judging from the language and sentiment, it sounds like one of the worst days of my entire life, thus far.

I like that this is written as more of an essay than a journal entry. There's such an obviously strong desire for this to be SMART, and that's what I love-hate about 12-year-old Corey. She so badly wants to be smart and articulate and artsy and dramatic. She gives in to the angst.

And to be fair, it WAS totally unfair that Hayley ended up being more popular than me. Yes, I wore multi-colored vests and a total lack of social finesse, but Hayley was no beauty queen or genius or charmer. She was just a girl who knew that being mean and putting someone else down was a great way to get ahead. I could be a total bitch one-on-one, and pretty effing high maintenance, but I was never mean to anyone in a crowd.

And that, I'm pretty sure, is the dividing line between popular and unpopular.

As for my journal entry: I know I'm not the first person to use a tennis match as a metaphor for my feelings, but I applaud the effort.

Don't worry little Corey. Everyone secretly thinks Hayley is annoying, and in sixteen years you won't remember this day anyways.