February 20, 1996
Yes I still like Derek-- but he can be very moody. Some days he is extra happy to see me, other days he gives me the "go away, you bother me" impression. No worries though, 'cause I REALLY like this guy named Ned. I think MAYBE he likes me- but it could be total crap. I REALLY like him. He makes fun of me and calls me shorty but I do the same and call him Metal Mouth. He's a total hottie!
I know I'm not as smart as I used to be-- now I'm a fool. I've GOT to be the stupidest girl in the whole grade!! I AM FAILING LIFE!! Tess and I are having major problems. But we've been talking them out -- hopefully they'll heal. Ihem.
My birthday was cool. I can officially call Diana's mom by her first name. I got a "top-notch" stereo, clothes, CD, M.E. stuff, candle holder, incense, beanie babies, frames, earring, Sweet Factory candy and gift certificates, ETC! Pretty funky.
I've been thinking. To make my life the way I want it I need to do something. Work on my looks. Get more stuff to do on the weekends. Talk more with people I want to talk with. Go back to stuff I did last year, like write notes to my best friends, like all the great ones Diana and I wrote. ALSO, I should consider writing a secret admirer note to Ned. Or not. Who knows?? All I know is to improve my life I need to improve my tactics-- find the new Corey-- or the old one.
Peace and Love,
1. Derek probably gives me the "go away you bother me" look because I am 12 and he is 18 and i am, legitimately, bothering him. This never really occurs to me.
2. I have no idea why I suddenly decide I am the stupidest girl ever. Liking Ned?? Or am I doing badly in school? Or is it because I'm so unhappy? I don't know, but it makes me sad. I don't remember ever feeling that way.
3. ... Not that I really disagree. I am sort of stupid when I'm 12.
4. Or, I'm sorry, recently 13. With a TOP NOTCH STEREO. This list of presents is sort of the perfect example of how in between moments I am. I'm still getting beanie babies, but I have a new stereo. And who gave me effing INCENSE? Talk about an identity crisis. I guess I was having one of my many hippie moments.
5. The Sweet Factory was the best.
6. Oof. That last paragraph. On one level: I get it. I'm still searching. On the other level: my ideas for how to REACH contentment are so sad. "work on my looks"?? What does that mean, in seventh grade. I mean, I weighed like 70 pounds. I don't need to lose weight or like, get botox. What am I going to do to fix myself up? And for the love of GOD, Corey, do NOT write a secret admirer note! I don't know why this is my go-to man-getting strategy, but it has go to stop.
7. Basically, I'm pretty deep for a 13 year old. And maybe never feel like I have things the way I want them. EPIPHANY.