I Am An Individualist. Don't Mess With Me.

December 22, 1993

Dear Bethany,

Now about my friends. I'll start with my best and go on to my least (just because they're least does not mean I don't like them a lot!)

Piper: Piper is my all time favorite friend, but she's got tons of problems. She is about an "8" on beauty but she's very slim and graceful. 

I think she's an "above stress level  child" but a great friend. I got her an M&M gumball machine for Christmas. 

Cathy: Cathy is absolutely stunning but often clashes. I think she would make a great model when she is around 18. Cathy used to like Connor and still thinks he's cute (actually so do I) but he's a big jerk. 

Allison: She wants to be an actress when she grows up which really upsets me. I kinda thought it way MY thing. Like, I would be an individual. Cause I'm an individualist in some ways. Every time she mentions it I get all hot and mean feeling. 

More later!

love,

Corey

Um. I could write a novel on this entry alone. 

First, I'd like to know who taught be the phrase "above stress level child". Did I read this in a book? Did my parents use it? The school guidance counselor? Where do I GET this stuff?

Secondly, though I do talk about my crush Patrick a lot, I seem to talk about bad boy Connor even more. For someone who is my enemy, I certainly spend a LOT of time talking about him. And thinking he's cute. 

Thirdly, just one word: Individualist. I mean, is this like a valid way to define oneself? Some people think its cool to be like everyone else, others think its important to be your own person? I enjoy that I seem to have taken this on as a kind of political statement. 

I am an individualist. You know, like, I believe in individuals. 

Watch out all: sometimes I get "hot and mean feeling". You have been warned. 

...plus i had a penchant for patchwork vests.

Not my proudest achievement. 

Only nine pages in to my journal, ten-year-old Corey had ranked her friends. Not JUST in terms of how much she likes them, but also in terms of how attractive they are. 

The friend list shifts over time to reflect the constantly changing relationships. DIFFERENT PEN COLORS correct the list. I have clearly gone to the trouble to change the list weeks, months later, so instead of staying a reflection of my friendships as they stood on October 27, 1993, they reflect the manically changing friendships of ten year old girls. 

In terms of attractiveness, I rate myself third most attractive in the entire fifth grade. This was not only generous, but delusional. With my  braces (complete with elastics in holiday appropriate colors... fabulously black and orange for Halloween) and oversized ears that were quite possibly large enough to actually weigh down my tiny head, I was probably not even in the top ten. 

But I have to respect the confidence. The journal was totally secret, and a place I was safe to own up to my insecurities. Happily, at ten, I wasn't yet objective. Presumably I felt pretty,  and that meant I must actually BE pretty. 

...where does that feeling of certainly vanish to in your twenties?