Friday, April 23, 2010

Separation Anxiety

January 30, 1995

Dear Bethany,
Hi! Nothing new here. On Saturday Diana and I went to Boston with Diana's Aunt Jessica, had our nails done (mine are brightish coral), had lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe and babysat for a third grader.

Then we were going to have a sleepover but I got that FEELING. I REALLY REALLY did not want to sleep there away from my mom and dad. =( So I lied and said I had a REALLY bad stomachache. It wasn't a total lie, I mean I've been having cramps and stuff. So then my mom picked me up. I was so happy and I like totally felt relieved, happy and relaxed. Oh Bethy, do I sound really pathetic and immature? I feel like it. I mean, I gotta be able to have a fuckin' sleep over. You know what's weird about it? At Sargent Camp and over vacations I don't get that FEELING. Weird huh?
Today was boring.

God I remember this period of time where I suddenly developed some weird separation anxiety for like, a year. What is especially bizarre is that Diana lived literally a 90 second drive from my house. And her family was completely my second family. I should have been totally comfortable there but clearly something else was up. And god, how humiliating, as an 11 year old, to leave your best friend's house when you're supposed to LOVE sleepovers. They totally knew, too. I seem to remember Diana's mother commenting on it and asking me what was up. I had no explanation for it, but it happened quite a few times, and every time I had a mysterious "stomachache". God being this age sucks. The age when you are starting to become neurotic but you don't know WHY. These days I totally know where my neurosis come from. Makes it easier.

What was up with Hard Rock Cafe? Why was it the pinnacle of classiness for us? I remember this day with Diana's Aunt Jessica SO well. I remember what I wore (this was during an unfortunate stage where I liked wide legged silky pants. It was a thing. I believe I wore coral ones with white polka dots on this day. And surely a matching vest, cause that's just how I rocked it back then.) Getting a manicure was the height of maturity and Diana's Aunt Jessica was by far the coolest adult we knew (with the possible exception of our student teacher, Candace).

And what crazy parents let us babysit their third grader?? What third grader actually respects a couple of four foot tall 11 year olds??

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

It's WAY too confusing to explain to you.

January 26, 1995
Dear Bethy,
Hi! How's life? NORMAL! I mean really, could it be more boring? Let's see, Mr. M said my grades were dropping, that was a bit distracting. He said he was only telling me that 'cause he likes me. I guess I like him too but not THAT much. I mean, he can really get to me.

Evie and Mike broke up but it wasn't really official and its just been like, five days since they started so...

Another person that is not talking to one of her friends-- Piper is not taking to Evie. It's WAY too confusing to explain to you.

Georgia wore pigtails to school today. It looked really screwed but I'm not about to say that to her face.

Today when I was looking at myself in the mirror I noticed that I have a beautiful smile!


I wonder now if Mr. M actually told me about my grades because of how much he likes me or if thats just what he says to everyone. I think I take it to heart a little too much-- as if he is vying for my friendship and I'm going to have to turn the poor guy down cause, you know, i don't like him THAT much.

I also am shocked at the drama of sixth grade relationships. Everyone seems to be in a couple but as far as I know no one (really. NO ONE) actually speaks, touches, or goes on dates. So the getting together and breaking up is totally lacking actual cause and effect. Which is maybe why I'm so fascinated by it. Imagine a world where at any moment any two totally arbitrary people who have no interest in each other can suddenly decide to be in a committed relationship. It's thrilling, right?

I can't comment on the fact that I suddenly, while staring at my own reflection noticed by amazing beauty. So few things in this world are shocking, hilarious, humiliating and prideful all at once, but I think that one sentence pretty much covers every emotion I have access to.

Friday, April 9, 2010


January 25, 1995

Dear Bethany,
Hi. How's life? Boy for me its not too great. I mean its not bad at all but I must be losing it. Seriously! Someone can say anything at all and I'll burst into tears. For instance, today Mom told me that Diana has a more mature face than I do. Then I had a tantrum. I mean I was literally acting like a three year old. I guess I can kinda understand why I was upset. I mean think about it, I always have known how small I am but I thought my mature face and features made up for it. Then my mom tells my Diana has a more mature face than mine! I guess it just hurt.

Also, Kristen started crying about how much she wants Reese. She really likes him a lot, I can tell. She gets so upset. Also I discovered how competitive she is. She was telling me how she HAS to be on top or she gets upset.

Well, gotta go!

This is another one of those entries I had to reallllly force myself to put up. Something about the way I talk about my "mature face and features" realllly makes me want to hang myself. And of course it helps that I know what I look like at the time I wrote this. Braces. Huge Oversized Ears. Freckles all over my nose. Teeny Tiny.
And all I want is some... what? weathered, tough looking face? What does a "mature face" mean at age 11? Mature BODY I'd understand... but face? I mean, we're not even teenagers yet. As evidenced by the fact I THREW A TANTRUM. And then actually tried to justify my tantrum's validity. My poor mother.

And this ongoing saga with Kristen... I'm so involved. Which actually sounds like current-day Corey. Too bad Kristen's so competitive. When I obviously was so... generous... and... modest.

Also, when do i break the habit of talking to "Bethany" as if she is a person.... I literally ask her "how's life?". As if she is off doing something during the times I am not, you know, writing to her. Was a schizo? Do i have ISSUES?