Friends Becoming Bitches

September 4, 1996

 It was my first day of school. I guess school is OK all things considered. I don't have a lot of friends in my classes. Or at least not friends I'm used to having in class. Anna. Jill. Tess. About Tess though. God how annoying do you get. Talk about a Bitch with a capital B. She is so mean. Last night I invited her to this really cool show, Blue Man Group with me. I would think that would mean a lot to her because inviting her is like a privilege. But she ignores me all day. Now I totally wish I hadn't invited her. If all she wants is popularity then she can have it. She can be popular with Ella and Molly and Lily and whoever the hell she considers really and truly important. You know, basically the people who don't like her and talk about her behind her back. Hey, you know, who she wants to be friends with is her choice. I shouldn't even be writing about it since she is (or at least was) my friend but I care that the friends she's choosing aren't the people that care about her. I know for her a friend is someone who can help her be in with the popular crowd. But I know and she should know that when she's older the friends she has picked just aren't going to cut it. When she's, let's say 19, she's going to want real friends to help her with boyfriend troubles or parent troubles or what not. I'm not saying I'm the perfect friend but I care about people and her and I think I would serve her better as a friend than any of the people she lately seems to think are more important than me. 

So I guess that's it.

Well it's not. I actually think you should know that I'm getting SO into my room. This weekend I'm taking an old toy box and painting it to put in my room. Tomorrow I want to look in the basement for for some possible cool stuff. Remind me! (LIKE YOU CAN TALK) 

love,
Corë

Awesome List of Things to Buy At Mall

August 11, 1996

Beth,

Here's my shopping list for my Natick Mall trip. 

1. nail polish (Hot Topic)
2. fake tattoos (Spencer's)
3. cool hat (Gap, 579, Claire's, other)
4. blush (CVS)
5. Lipstick (CVS)
6. beanie babies (Mall St.)
7. lip balms (Lip Lix, CVS)
8. shoes (Payless)
9. anklets (Mall St., Afterthoughts)
10. barrettes (Claire's., Afterthoughts) 
11. little butterfly clips (Claires, Afterthoughts) 
12. magazines and comics (bookstore, CVS)
13. CANDY (Sweet factory) 
14. books (bookstore)
15. perfume (body shop, bath and bodyworks)
16. Stationary
17. pens
18. knee socks (hot topic)
19. LONG bead necklace (Claire's, Afterthoughts)
20. toe rings (Claire's, Afterthoughts) 
21. scarves and headbands
22. Table for room (mom pay for?) 

you know what I want for Christmas? The two BIG things I want? A lava lamp and a water bed. 

I'm psyched! I want to go home! 5 Fucking Days!

Love,
Corë

I mean this whole list is amazing, but the last two additions are by far the best because WHO AM I? Lava lamp and water bed?? Am I a 22 year old trying to seduce hot chicks in the early 90s? Am I a hippie? It's unclear. But they definitely go with my long beaded necklaces, scarves, anklets and toe rings.

LAVA LAMP AND WATER BED.

And beanie babies, of course.

Sigh. Oh, Corë.

Everything is a Problem.

August 9th, cont. 

Hi Beth! 

Well I just got a wonderful little comment from Brenda. The fucking cabin just takes me CD case and takes The Lion King CD out of it and puts it on without my permission. I got mad and Brenda said "Everything's a problem to you".

THANKX!!!

Corë

August 10, 1996

Hey Bethy,

5 DAYS!

Ok here's the news.  Mom called here last night and spoke to this head-person Alicia. She spoke to Nan, my counselor. And then we had a cabin meeting. Oh, maybe I should tell you what Mom called about. She called to tell about how tired I am. I've been complaining about it. I think if she'd done it a few months ago, I would have killed her-- but I'm actually a little happy that she did. 

Ok, also today for mail I got 2 postcards from Gramma Iris and a letter from Anna. Second day that I haven't gotten a letter from Mom. :( Well, that's just about it.  I can't wait to go home. I hope I get a good dinner tonight. And I also hope I get at LEAST a letter from Mom tomorrow. 

Love,
Corë

PS: Lauren, the Lion King director, told me I had "beautiful hair". YEA! 

Oh. Everything about this is terrible. First of all, I have to agree with Brenda, that in this period of time I make a huge issue out of EVERYTHING, and playing my Lion King CD is no big deal and omg I just wish I would chilllll.

I also love how I sort of leap over the really interesting thing here, which is that my mother called camp? And told them I was tired? And then we had a cabin meeting about it? I'm wondering if there is maybe more to this story? And I'm wondering how a conversation like this actually would go??

I'm so sad for Corë. She is so clearly depressed. I mean, right?

Or maybe this is what being 13 is like?

At least I had beautiful hair.

I'm sorta pretty but REALLY deep.

August 9, 1996

Bethany,

I'm a lot better now. I think I'll be OK. I've had a really good day. French toast sticks and rice krispies for breakfast! :) And good classes. I'm wearing an awesome outfit-- new jeans, short ribbed aqua t-shirt. Everyone is treating me okay. Ellen is going to tell them all about my family stuff. So that will be good. And it can't get much worse. 

This camp experience, as awful as it has been, has taught me a hell of a lot. I deal with stuff. I know that writing with you makes me feel better. I know more about me. I think I understand people better. So I guess it hasn't been a total waste. Although it hasn't been great. Oh well. I know I'll never be here again and I know I won't meet anyone here again. If I do meet them it will be because they were my friends. I'll miss camp and some of the people but home will be great. Being away makes me realize how lucky I am. 

I AM lucky. I have home and parents and cool clothes. I have OK grades. I'm pretty (sorta). I have an awesome bedroom. Great friends etc. It's just a matter of getting home. Can't wait. :)

Corë

SPOILER ALERT: Things at home will NOT be great.

Also, what's hotter than a short, ribbed, aqua t-shirt. UM NOTHING.

If you've been following since the beginning you can see the start of the loss of confidence about my looks. Back when I was ten I was positive I was crazy pretty. Third prettiest in the whole grade, to be exact. Now I immediately backtrack on my confidence about my attractiveness. It's sort of tragic. A tragic parenthetical.

Good thing I've learned so much about myself, and about others. (I assume what I really mean is that I have learned how much better than everyone else I am? Or how misunderstood and deep I am?)

Lastly, I would totally love some french toast sticks right about now. That sounds amazing!

More Tantrums at Camp

August 9, 1996

Dear Beth,

I'm so sad and I can't think of any way to be happy besides thinking about going home. Last night was a fake auction thing. We won Caitlin, a counselor, as a slave and then my idiotic cabin decided to also bid for fishing during rest hour. I was screaming at them not to but they did and we fucking won it. So I was mad. They stay up late, we wake up early. And then they take away my rest hour to go fishing. So then they all go to The Point to (what else?) talk about me! Ellen was there and she walked away from the conversation to find me sobbing alone in the cabin. We talked it out. She knows I'm sad because of stuff with my family. And I'm not used to being unpopular. I don't know what to do. I know it's only seven days but I am so sad. I don't have any friends. On the last day of camp no one is going to huge me and say goodbye. My only solution is to tell Ellen to tell them what is bothering me with family stuff, and explain that anything can set me off. 

BETH THIS WAS ONE OF THE WORST EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE!! 

Love,
Corë

Awwww little Corey. Or Corë. So painful to read this. I literally at this point in my camp experience want to do nothing but sleep. And I can't deal with it if one day of sleeping time is compromised. This is literally a fight about me not getting a nap. It's like I reverted from 13 to 3 in the course of one summer.

Or maybe this is what being 13 is like sometimes.

Thanks, Ellen, for coming through. I knew you would.

The line "I'm not used to being unpopular" kills me. KILLS ME. It hurts. If a 13 year old in your life is acting massively irritating, be kind to her, on behalf of 13 year old Corë.

More Sad Missives From Camp. More Umlauts.

August 7, 1996
Beth,
I think the way you can tell if someone is your friend or not is if you feel uncomfortable saying things that are important to you-- then she isn't really your friend. Cece isn't my friend. Every time I say something I worry about what she's going to say. She always has some random bad comment. I don't understand why she can never agree with me or at least respect what I'm saying. It's really sad because she was so great last year and this year she's just not. It makes me really sad. 

Love,
Corë

A rare moment of actual valid insight. Too bad I'm still using an umlaut, so I can't take my 13 year old self seriously.

August 8, 1996
Bethany, 
Camp is over soon! Just 8 days. I hope it goes fast. I also hope we get a double rest hour. I'm tired. I'm very tired and I have a little half headache thing. My analogy that makes me feel better : You look forward to Christmas for a long time. On Christmas you're psyched. But the excitement wears off after the initial happiness. SO 8 days isn't very long, but it's nice to have something to look forward to. When I get home I'll appreciate it. The only really, truly bad thing is tennis. I mean, I don't like having freedom, etc. but tennis is what makes it BAD. 
I'll make it! Can't wait. Remember: It will happen! 
Love,
Corë 

Poor Little Corey. I feel like she was so depressed. Every entry in this period of time is all tiredness and headaches. And reading Cynthia Voight, so at least I had that. I'm also unclear on what was so awful about tennis, but it, too, shows up in every entry from these four weeks at camp.
I also have no idea what this analogy means. I think I have not yet mastered analogies yet.
Umlaut: you haunt me.

In which I contemplate a BERET.

Hey Beth!

I WANT TO GO FUCKING HOME!!!

I had so much fun with my family! I got a Crazy Creek chair, jean overalls and the coolest jeans. They are wide-legged. They look good on me, I think. I'm going for a totally new style this year. I'm going to buy this really cool beret and look all hippie-ish. I want to grow my hair longer and get like platform-type shoes. I'm so psyched. And I want cool dresses. And I have this awesome new shirt that mom gave me and I'm going to spray chamomile tea in my hair and it will turn lighter. I have TONS of fake tattoos now. Like 30 or so that I wear a lot. I can't wait! GET ME HOME!

love,
Corë

Still using the umlaut.
And now planning on wearing a beret.

The cool won't stop.

Changing My Name, Changing Everything.

July 31, 1996

Bethy,

Hi! I just got back from the best evening activity-- Casino night! We got to dress up in costumes and we got fake money. Tina and I pooled our fake money and worked together and at the end we had $940! In a few days we get to go to an auction where they auction off cool things like counselors as servants or trips to the ice cream store. I can't wait. Oh, by the way, these things are shared as a cabin. 

I can't wait-- only 17 days left of camp. I'm kinda psyched. Mom, Dad and my brother and his girlfriend are ALL coming Saturday or Sunday for the whole day. Doesn't that rule? Yea! I really miss my bedroom, isn't that strange? 

Oh I almost forgot that after camp on the 25th I go to Bermuda for a few days. Won't that be fun? I know it will be! I LOVE summer!

Corë

The most important thing about this entry is that I mysteriously change the spelling of my name from Corey to Corë. Note the umlaut. It was part of my exciting new identity. I insisted that my parents use this spelling in their letters to me. Strangely, they happily complied. I actually think they thought it was cool? There is such a thing as being too supportive.

That said, I'm going back to the super cool spelling. Please call my Corë from now on. I'm alerting my publisher so they get my name right on my book. God I'm awesome.

List Of Everything That's Terrible

July 26, 1996

Bethany,

Lots of news! First off, I got the part of Rafiki in The Lion King. I don't know if it's bad or good-- good  I think. Got a package from Jen. Unfortunately it was mostly candy and they took it away, even though she hid it wicked well. I got another letter from Dad with a wicked funny article. 

Awful news. You remember that letter I told Jillian to give Bryan?She gave it to him and he showed ut to everyone on the beach and now they all know I like(d) him! I HATE HIM SO MUCH! 

I don't understand why he would do that. He obviously doesn't like me but I thought we were at least friends. If he really valued our friendship he that wouldn't have happened. So now let's list everything that's wrong with my life:

1. I haven't gone out with a guy for more than 8 months. 
2. They guy I like couldn't care less about me. 
3. My brother is leaving me alone with my mom and dad. 
4. For some reason the camp I loved last year just isn't the same this year.
5. Someone I thought was a good friend sorta uses me.
6. One of the most special friends I've ever had is moving to Germany possibly. 
7. I can't get the lead in a stupid camp play, let alone ever make it to where I want to go. 

So basically I'm a stupid, untalented, friendless happy-less, boyfriendless girl.

FABULOUS JUST WHAT I NEED. 

love,
Corey

PS: At least I have Diana. 

A lesson I have learned from combing through these old journal entries? DO NOT WRITE LETTERS. I don't know if this applies to email too (PROBABLY) but it seems like any time Little Corey puts something in writing it goes terribly, terrible wrong.

This list makes me sad. And also happy, because even on a bad day, 30 year old Corey doesn't ever hate THIS many things about life. I'm interested to see when the bitterness fades.

In which my stuffed animal kills itself.

July 26, 1996

Hi Bethy,

You know what Ellen is doing now? Complaining about camp! ELLEN! She LOVES camp! She is just a Brenda wanna-be. Brenda is just into saying how stupid camp is. We did this Mardi Gras party thing that (up to a point) was pretty cool. We got candy and made masks and stuff. Ellen and Brenda actually LEFT. They just left Hiland Hall and came to the cabin. That is SO NOT ELLEN!!! It pisses me off. She shouldn't go around, like, changing who she is to fit whoever she wants to be friends with. It's not fair to people who have been friends from before, know what I mean? I don't know what the fudge she is doing. Why she is so into Brenda. I hate it. 

GRRRR. 

July 27, 1996

Hi Bethany,

We had a HUGE cabin fight. Me, Brenda, and Ellen mostly. A group of cabinmates hung my stuffed animal Tammy on the window string and wrote a suicide note. All during Free Choice time I cried and rested. I was pissed. Then I came back from evening activity and Tammy was hung again. I cried and yelled at Ellen and Brenda (who were the main people in the second hanging). Then we had a cabin meeting etc. Brenda and I made up. She wrote me a really sincere, sweet note. Ellen  cried a little, but it was a bad cry. I didn't like the way she cried. 

love,
Corey

What is important to note about this entire story is that I completely forgot all about it. Ellen, however, recently contacted me and remembered ALL about it, down to my stuffed animal's name. I didn't remember Tammy getting hung at all, and basically can't even read this entries without cracking up. Also, important to note that Ellen is one of the loveliest people you'll ever meet. And from what I understand, she had a pretty awful summer at camp that year, too. Uh, basically the moral of the story is that growing up is hard.

There's something so simple and perfect about this prank. And about the way that 13 year olds grow up at different paces and experiment with rebellion at different paces. I think that's what makes this age so hard. Even if you are six months or a year apart from each other, in terms of growing into adolescence, it's full on traumatic. I wasn't ready to let go of stuffed animals and arts and crafts and being a little girl, but I knew it was right around the corner. And that's why I love these entries. I'm so scared and Ellen probably is too, and we don't know how to deal with alllllll the changes that come with being 13 and away from home and around brand new friends.

But man. The image of my stuffed animal hanging from the window with a suicide note attached to it's fur? Amazing. Truly, truly amazing.

Also, what is bad crying? How did I not like the way she cried?? Something I will never understand about Little Corey.

I am the best actress at camp. But no one knows it.

July 25, 1996

Beth,

I want to get a letter from Caroline. She is supposed to give a friendly letter to Bryan (HEART). He is supposed to write me too, but Caroline promised she would write me as soon as she gave him the letter, and she would write me what he thought of it and all. I got a letter from Mom and a package from Gramma and Pop-Pop. In it was a stupid magazine, a puzzle thing, mad libs, and a note from them. It's not very cool but I like packages so it's okay if it's not awesome, of course. But no letters from Caroline. KEEP ME IN SUSPENSE MUCH?? How annoying. Maybe tomorrow. 

At free choice today I'm auditioning for the camp play: The Lion King. I tried out last year but didn't get in. I don't know why either. I mean-- I'm pretty good. Definitely one of the best and most experienced actresses here. Not braggingly, but after all I have been PAID for acting. So I'm nervous that I won't make it. I think I will though. PRAY for me. 

Tonight Cece and I are singing a wicked stupid/silly song for campfire. And Sunday Night Campfire, Taylor, Cece and I are doing a skit about perseverance and understanding (this week's theme). 

I'M SO NERVOUS ABOUT AUDITIONS! I'm singing a song from Into The Woods. Wish me luck. Actually you can't because you're a journal!! 

Love,
Corey

I'm really glad I've been able to keep my humility in check with my acting abilities. Sigh.

And can you guess how my letter to Bryan is going to go?? CAN YOU? I mean, I don't want to shock you, but guys are not that into weird letters expressing your feelings when they are like 12. I can't confirm how they feel about it at 30, because I did finally stop doing it. But I'm going to guess it's never a good idea.

Also, I love my fake generosity about the care package from my grandparents. Clearly, I sort of know I'm supposed to think it's the thought that counts. But that ultimately I want cool presents.

Deep Thoughts at Camp

FROM CAMP
July 24. 1996

Bethany,

Hi! I got a great compliment. These two girls, Mary and Rachel, asked me how old I was. I said 13 and they said I looked really old. You know, like, I had a really mature face. Isn't that cool? 

I realized this year I'm never hyper. Cece pointed out that I'm always reading and writing. I'm so mellow. How strange. I never thought of myself that way but it's true. I was hyper once for a little while. But actually normally I'm totally laid back this year at camp. Not off the wall. In some ways it sort of upsets me. Everyone is joking and laughing and like jumping around the room and all I want to do is read and write. Isn't the strange? I think maybe it's because of my period which I'm having again. =( It should be over soon. 

Love,
Corey

And thus begins, like, five years of me feeling awkward around people having too much fun and not understanding why I'm suddenly all quiet and wanting to read and write all the time, and missing the part of myself that knew how to be all obnoxious and crazy, like a normal teenager.

And the book I'm reading at camp? SOPHIE'S WORLD. A novel about philosophy. Because I am now that girl. Maybe that's how my face got so mature??

The Love of My Life, Who I Hated Last Week

July 19. 1996

Bethany,

I think I actually love(d) Bryan. We're perfect for each other. I know it. Everything about it was new. I think I truly found my first love in him. He won't admit to even liking me. I think he does. He lives in California though. He has a girlfriend-- Wendy-- back there. But I think he knows we were meant for each other. I wrote him a letter for Jillian to give him after I leave for camp in two days. 

What I felt doesn't matter too much. It's sad but true. I have intense feelings for him but it doesn't matter. Living in the same time zone might be nice. We live different lives. He has never seen snow. I think I've seen way too much. Things like that. In that sense we are total opposites. On the other hand could it be possible that God meant for us to be together? We're both blonde, short, sarcastic, kind, happy, fast, tennis players, smart, etc. He's what I want. Some bitch in California got him instead, Story of my life. I'm 13. I've had only two boyfriends. I want more. If I don't get one this year...

If only something could have happened between Bryan and I. Why if we're so meant for each other do we live so far apart? It has to be fate that we both go to New Hampshire during the summers. Maybe he'll move to MA. I could even be content with New England. 

i'm getting over him. I can't love him from such a distance. In the dead of winter I won't even remember what Bryan Smith looks like. I have so much else. Maybe guys at school with like me more this year. Hope so! 

Love ya,

Corey

It must be mentioned that three entries ago I say Bryan is super weird and I don't like him anymore. So, re-read the entry with that in mind. That was approximately two weeks before this entry was written. Oh, TIME. 

Also you know Little Corey's serious when she starts writing LETTERS. That's always the sign that shit's getting real. Little Corey looooves writing letters to boys (or, sometimes, friends she now hates) about her deep feelings. Little Corey is also always convinced they will DO SOMETHING. They never do. 

I love that we cannot be together because I know snow so intimately and he does not. Damn I'm profound. Also, where's the God thing coming from? Was I going through some little religious phase? I totally went for it with the God talk... unexpected! Powerful! God cares about my Little Love Life! 

Most importantly: HOW MANY BOYFRIENDS DO I THINK I SHOULD HAVE HAD BY 13??? With such how expectations how will I ever be satisfied? (hint: I will never be satisfied. That is Corey's way, both Little and Old). 

Fate. Love. God. Playing Tennis. Being short and sarcastic. The passage of time. The way memories fade. This entry's got it all. 

I Am Old And Wise. But I'm Not Sure if I'm Pretty.

July 6, 1996

Bethany,

So I just went to the beach-- Caroline is busy today so tomorrow we will commit our time to Monopoly. It's the BEST board game! Anyway, about the beach. They are soooo immature. They play "hotel" and stuff. It's a group from ages like 5-12. It's so terrible. I don't want to hang out with people that still "play". It's awful. I have to realize that childhood is gone. The kids down there talk about fireworks and past summers. They try to make it sound like I do bad things-- only me. Especially Zoe. Everyone just loves good ole Zoe.Zoe has something against going places besides the beach. Especially on nice sunny days. My summer should be spent doing things that I love to do. Movies, shopping, talking, reading, writing, acting, singing, camp. Not games, swimming, and talking with people half my age. They can't expect me to want to either. I don't know why Zoe wants to. She's 12. She doesn't like ANYTHING I like. I mean most people around my age like SOMETHING from that list above. SIGH. So when Caroline isn't around, I'm left with nothing to do. Seriously, what can I do? I guess I'll work on my new book. 

I don't want summer to end, not matter how immature the beach is! 

Love ya,
Corey

PS: This is random: Am I healthy?
I hope so.
Also: Am I pretty? Who can I ask that will tell me the truth? Diana, if she pinky swears.... hmmm. 

First let's point out the obvious: I disapprove of people that "play". But I LOVE playing Monopoly. I seem to see no conflict here. Which should surprise exactly no one at this point.

Also I am unclear what this middle section is about. Where I am suddenly all deep about fireworks and "past summers". And what bad things was I doing?? I have no idea what I'm talking about. Maybe.... swearing? Being a massive bitch? I don't know. And why do I HAVE to realize childhood is gone? Did someone, like a parent or something, say that to me? Recommend I let go of my waning childhood at 13 years old? I'm gonna guess... yes.

The PS needs no comment. Except: Diana, pinky swear to tell the truth. AM I PRETTY?????

(remember when i was 9 and KNEW i was pretty. What happened to that girl?)

Everyone's Looking at Me.

July 5, 1996

Bethy,

I found out James is bi. Not that that's important. I don't think stuff like that is bad at all. It's a surprise. I know lots of gay people, but no one bisexual. I mean, he could still like me... if I was about seven years older. It would be really strange though. 

I'm alone on the beach waiting for Caroline. It's strange 'cause the lifeguards keep turning around, etc. Almost to rub it in that I'm alone, you know? The lifeguard girl is like turning around and staring at me. The beach is so strange this year because all the lifeguards are new and I'm pretty sure they are all total jerks, too Not exactly a great combination. Where's Caroline? We planned to come at 10:30 and it is now 10:35. Not like that's a huge difference, but I had the impression that she would come as soon as she hung up with me. 

There goes that stupid lifeguard again. Maybe she's obsessed with me. She's probably trying to figure out all about my life. 

Bryan's here. I don't know if I told you about him, but last year Kat and I literally fought over him. Now I think he's strange. Oh well. Things happen. 

I'm getting very annoyed now. Where's Caroline? It's 10:40. Ten minutes late. 

I talked to Diana last night. I miss her so much. 

Peace and Love,

Corey

My first documented thoughts on sexual diversity! And I don't think it's "bad". In fact, I'm even down with the idea of dating a 20 year old bisexual dude.... when I am THIRTEEN years old. So there's that.  

I'm basically live-tweeting my friend being 10 minutes late. Thank god Twitter didn't exist in the 90s. Because, um, I would clearly have used it terribly. 

I love that the most reasonable solution to anyone looking my way is that they're obsessed with me. 

And good ole Bryan. My like, decade-long beach crush every summer. I will soon stop thinking he is weird, and love him again. Any day now, I'm sure.

WHERE'S CAROLINE??? 

Scared of Sport, Guys, Bathing Suits

June 14, 1996

Hey there Beth! 

Diana can be so.... I don't know. Tightish. She's my best friend but she can just be so "say-one-thing-and-I'll-kill-you". You know what I mean? I'll say something and it like hits something in her brain or something and she just gets really mad. Not even really mad, just she screams. Sometimes I wish I  could tell her everything wrong with her, and she'd go fix it. 

There's a big all class pool party tomorrow! I can't wait. Well, fine. I'm a little nervous. I look good in a bathing suit. Diana AND my mom both say that. I guess what I'm really stressed about is the little issue of sports. I suck at volleyball and soccer, but what if no one else is bad at them and they all play and I look stupid because I'm NOT playing? Help! This could be very bad. On the other hand, maybe something interesting with guys could happen. Probably not to me though. Oh well. Talk to you later.

Peace and Love,
Corey

Sorry Diana. My unreasonable expectations for other people are finally catching up to you. And now I apparently want to just let you know everything I don't like about you, and then have you become a whole new person. Meanwhile, I am just a constant joy to be around.

Also what is this "screaming"? I don't remember Diana being particularly verbally abusive or anything. She wasn't like, constantly raging at me. Apparently, actually, she was mostly telling me how great I looked in a bathing suit. Sounds just terrible.

First pool party. Is there anything more anxiety inducing??

I Have An Amazing Personality. Seriously.

June 12, 1996

Dear Beth,

So I'm out of school finally. I mean I'm not saying the year was bad-- but it was a hell of a year! Just read through a few of my entries. Friends, grades, teachers, so much more. Adjustments are hard. Figuring out who you really are, what you really want to be. I still sort of wonder sometimes. I know what I want to be. I want people to say I have a passion for life, I really really really want to. I want to always be happy, helpful, diligent, fun optimistic. I am in some ways. At least I think so. A lot of other people think so too.  I know they do.

I can work on stuff, like how to treat people in my life. 

I think my personality could really do a lot for my life. 

So anyway, I'm totally psyched for summer. Who wouldn't be? I'm going to Bermuda soon. And then NH to do a theatre thing. I hope Brian, the one I was in The Sound of Music with, is in the theatre thing with me. I really think I might be in love with him. That probably sounds extreme but we're MADE for each other. 

-- Corey

Ah, I love it when Little Corey gets all deep. 

Also, who wants to be diligent??

And, are you as confused as I am about the sudden appearance of Love of My Life, Brian?? Because I have talked about Derek, Ned, and Joe this year... but this Brian dude is a mystery. He was an actor/dancer/singer I did musical theatre with and I think threw myself at eventually. 

And my personality has TOTALLY done SO MUCH for my life. So, that was a solid prediction for sure. 

Stop Trying to Be Deep, Penny!

May 5, 1996

To Bethany:

Ned and Nina are going out. It's okay though. I like Joe now. He is SO what I'm looking for. He's great! I hope we get together. Tess is working on it. Tess and I were just in a big fight that we resolved--what's new-- and I am beginning to get sooooo annoyed with Penny! She is trying to be something she's not. It's hard to explain but she's losing a lot of friends by doing it. But in some ways, that's her point. She tries to be deep-- as in like deep speeches. Ultra-feminist total individual. And by doing this she says stupid things that no one-- I repeat NO ONE in their right mind would ever agree with. I want to tell her but I know it won't help. It would just prove her point that she doesn't care what people think of her. Well, if that's what she wants I won't give her support, but I'll give her some amount of respect. 

--Corey 

What's great about 13 year old Corey is that she rebounds FAST. It's cool. Ned's now taken? Cool. I will move on to Joe! And also: Tess will make it HAPPEN. Who knew how much power she had??

I think it's so interesting how angry I get at Penny's "feminist" and "individual" views and opinions. I mean, I feel like even at 13, if anyone's feminist and individual its me. I wonder if I'm uncomfortable with Penny expressing some things I feel? Breaking the rules of middle school?

Or maybe she's just really annoying and trying to hard.

Corey is a Giant Hypocrite. But is Finally Also Right About Something.

April 30, 1996

Hey Bethany! 

Here at Nobles life is going great. I've made some REALY good friends with this girl I really like, Carissa. She's great. 
Ned and Derek are both good. 

Remember Penny? Smart, brown hair, talkative. She's changing. I can tell a lot about people. She is acting in some way that she finds funky. She used to babble a little and be sensitive and helpful and strong. Lately she's tried to be funny and more of an individualist. Everyone is thinking she is acting weird. She'll say really stupid things sometimes. I don't know how to stop her from changing herself. It seems mean to try. She shouldn't want to be what she's not. She tries to pretend she's spacey and always figuring people out, and she'll say stuff like "what is the definition anyway? Was it ever defined?" She'll "ponder" that, then she'll be like "Hmmm I'll think about that." She says she doesn't care what people think about her, but she tries to hang out with people like Nina and Tess. She's been clingy lately. I want to be with Carissa and Katie, and then she'll come along too. And she'll say some weirdo thing. I just don't understand. So many different kinds of people, why try to change your kind? 

Peace and Love,
Corey

Usually I disagree pretty vehemently with Little Corey, but in this instance I'm sort of like... yeah. That sounds pretty effing annoying actually. And yeah, it does sound like this chick is trying to BE someone deep and smart and to compensate for how uncomfortable middle school can be by pretending to "not care". Although I will say that Little Corey is a giant, giant hypocrite. Because lets be honest. Little Corey LOVES the idea of being deep and a "individualist". So you know, she may be right about this Penny chick, but come on. What I hated in Penny is DEFINITELY what I was insecure about in myself for SURE.

I AM SO TRANSPARENT.

I Want My Friends to be Happy.... Uh... Sort of

April 16,1996

Hey there Beth,

What's up? Not much here. Talked a lot to Ned today-- of course it was fun. Found out that Joe kind of likes Tess. Looks as though they may be an up and coming couple. Of course I'm happy but I don't want them to go out. I feel like Tess has it all. She has never had a boyfriend, but she might get the guy she wants. She has incredible grades and everyone has been (lately) talking about how pretty she is/will be. I mean, what about me? I want her to be happy, but not if it causes me a ton of jealousy. She will accidentally rub it in-- I know it. She's a great friend but I want to be a little like her. Did I mention how popular she is?? I guess I'm fairly popular and ok-looking, but you know. Oh well. 

Also Diana is getting a tiny bit bitchy. When I tell her good news she doesn't care and when I have bad news she will rub it in. She's my best friend, but I don't like her attitude. Sometimes she is great. But I can't deal with the other times. No one is perfect, but she is acting totally clueless lately. Talk about mood swings! 

Peace and Love,
Corey

What a surprise. I'm calling more of my friends bitchy.

And another surprise! I'm jealous of one of them.

Also why are people talking about how pretty she WILL BE? That's weird, right? Like, who is saying that exactly?? Adults? People our own age? Such a strange little distinction there.

I don't think Joe and Tess end up dating, but I might be wrong. I end up dating Joe in about a year. It's pretty exciting. Even though I'm only ok-looking.

Also it's driving me crazy that I keep calling myself "popular". It's just.... not true. At All. I was never, never remotely popular. Delusional, yes. Popular, no.

Sorry Tess and Diana. But if it makes you feel better I think everyone is bitchy and everyone makes me jealous. Soooo you're in good company.