Stop Trying to Be Deep, Penny!

May 5, 1996

To Bethany:

Ned and Nina are going out. It's okay though. I like Joe now. He is SO what I'm looking for. He's great! I hope we get together. Tess is working on it. Tess and I were just in a big fight that we resolved--what's new-- and I am beginning to get sooooo annoyed with Penny! She is trying to be something she's not. It's hard to explain but she's losing a lot of friends by doing it. But in some ways, that's her point. She tries to be deep-- as in like deep speeches. Ultra-feminist total individual. And by doing this she says stupid things that no one-- I repeat NO ONE in their right mind would ever agree with. I want to tell her but I know it won't help. It would just prove her point that she doesn't care what people think of her. Well, if that's what she wants I won't give her support, but I'll give her some amount of respect. 

--Corey 

What's great about 13 year old Corey is that she rebounds FAST. It's cool. Ned's now taken? Cool. I will move on to Joe! And also: Tess will make it HAPPEN. Who knew how much power she had??

I think it's so interesting how angry I get at Penny's "feminist" and "individual" views and opinions. I mean, I feel like even at 13, if anyone's feminist and individual its me. I wonder if I'm uncomfortable with Penny expressing some things I feel? Breaking the rules of middle school?

Or maybe she's just really annoying and trying to hard.

Corey's First Breakup. Goodbye, Patrick.

November 27, 1995

Bethany,

This has been the worst day of my life! I'm not exaggerating! I guess you should know the big news. PATRICK DUMPED ME!!!!

I was kinda thinking along the lines of me dumping him-- I guess not! It was sad. I have to realize it now-- have to let it settle in. It refuses to. I guess on top of all that, the fact I got bad grades on EVERYTHING and cried in school about the C+ on my To Kill A Mockingbird paper that I worked really hard on, it had a huge impact on me, and leaves an empty feeling in my stomach.

I can so clearly remember when I gave him a valentine day with hearts all over it and messages like "P+C=true love forever" and he gave me a valentine with hearts on it. The first note he gave me that said "LOVE, Patrick." The best day of my life was the day he asked me out. I used to love him. I don't anymore. But it hurts. It hurts to have your first "true love", your first boyfriend bumped out of your life. There's a big hole in my stomach, waiting for me to cry. Should I feel free or sad? Does this mean I'm really ugly? An idiot? WHY did he dump me? I need someone to give me a big hug and rock me back and forth and tell me its okay. I need a friend here. I'm too alone.

What should I do? WHY am i not crying? Aren't I supposed to? Is life going to be different? I NEED A FRIEND! Someone HAS to help me!

I HOPE it's a better day tomorrow. I'm NOT exaggerating when I say this is the worst day of my life!!!

-Corey

Awwww my first break up. What amuses me most of all here is that I explain every detail of every day of my little life, EXCEPT explaining like, HOW Patrick actually dumped me. Did he call? I mean, I assume it was a phone call but I want to know exactly what he said and what I said! Why, after all this time of being so detailed, would I now suddenly skimp on details?

It's actually a sad thing-- like those moments are lost .Which I know is normal for everyone else, but when you have almost 20 years of journals, it's actually unusual to not have a record of the Big Moments.

And this is one of the Big Ones. Right? Right? Except for the not crying thing. Which I guess soooooort of undermines the whole thing.

Besides, twelve-year-old Corey is too obsessed with eighteen-year-old Derek and his many high-fives and "hi there"s in school to really care about Patrick, my "first true love" dumping me.

Still, end of an era. Patrick has been the main focus of my journals since they began in 1993. MILESTONE.

You know what all the boys are really after....

November 9, 1993 (continued)

...PS: I'm kind of worried that Patrick won't like me because I'm not as good at math as he is. (Even though I got two 100%s) 

First of all- kudos to my parents for helping me believe some boy would like me based on my intelligence. 

Second of all, kudos to myself for ever getting 100% on a math test. Truth be told, my vocabulary is impressive but I add and subtract with my fingers. (little known fact)

Thirdly, if 100% on a MATH test isn't good enough for some boy... well then that boy just isn't good enough for you. God. How many times have I learned THAT lesson?