The Love of My Life, Who I Hated Last Week

July 19. 1996

Bethany,

I think I actually love(d) Bryan. We're perfect for each other. I know it. Everything about it was new. I think I truly found my first love in him. He won't admit to even liking me. I think he does. He lives in California though. He has a girlfriend-- Wendy-- back there. But I think he knows we were meant for each other. I wrote him a letter for Jillian to give him after I leave for camp in two days. 

What I felt doesn't matter too much. It's sad but true. I have intense feelings for him but it doesn't matter. Living in the same time zone might be nice. We live different lives. He has never seen snow. I think I've seen way too much. Things like that. In that sense we are total opposites. On the other hand could it be possible that God meant for us to be together? We're both blonde, short, sarcastic, kind, happy, fast, tennis players, smart, etc. He's what I want. Some bitch in California got him instead, Story of my life. I'm 13. I've had only two boyfriends. I want more. If I don't get one this year...

If only something could have happened between Bryan and I. Why if we're so meant for each other do we live so far apart? It has to be fate that we both go to New Hampshire during the summers. Maybe he'll move to MA. I could even be content with New England. 

i'm getting over him. I can't love him from such a distance. In the dead of winter I won't even remember what Bryan Smith looks like. I have so much else. Maybe guys at school with like me more this year. Hope so! 

Love ya,

Corey

It must be mentioned that three entries ago I say Bryan is super weird and I don't like him anymore. So, re-read the entry with that in mind. That was approximately two weeks before this entry was written. Oh, TIME. 

Also you know Little Corey's serious when she starts writing LETTERS. That's always the sign that shit's getting real. Little Corey looooves writing letters to boys (or, sometimes, friends she now hates) about her deep feelings. Little Corey is also always convinced they will DO SOMETHING. They never do. 

I love that we cannot be together because I know snow so intimately and he does not. Damn I'm profound. Also, where's the God thing coming from? Was I going through some little religious phase? I totally went for it with the God talk... unexpected! Powerful! God cares about my Little Love Life! 

Most importantly: HOW MANY BOYFRIENDS DO I THINK I SHOULD HAVE HAD BY 13??? With such how expectations how will I ever be satisfied? (hint: I will never be satisfied. That is Corey's way, both Little and Old). 

Fate. Love. God. Playing Tennis. Being short and sarcastic. The passage of time. The way memories fade. This entry's got it all.