Everyone is a bitch but me.

July 10, 1995

Dear Bethany,

Hello. Sorry I haven't written for so long. I've been busy. Well not really actually I just didn't really feel like writing. I talked to Patrick again. He said he'd miss me! Isn't that sweet? Yeah I think so too. Ellen and Diana and all the other girls were being totally bitchy freakoids about it. Ellen kept making little kisses in the air... a little "signal" to him. (fine, I wouldn't have really minded but he was sooooo embarassed.) I was really mad at them. Well not like, fight mad but mad enough to smile while sighing and tsk-tsk-ing.

Now I'm in NH. Everyone here, including Jessie, my favorite girl Oh JOY! OH RAPTURE! I am so ecstatic I'm jumping up and down... NOT!!!! Actually she's not as asshole-y as last year. Except now she and Kim have started a little "clique". Very annoying if you know what I mean. So Alice and I have been "hanging" together.

You are probably wonder who the the hell some of these people are so here we go:

Jessie: As I have already stated she is kind of bratty. SHe is USUALLY ok on a one-on-one basis. But in a group, well, she's very competitive and sshe never stops swearing. Supposedly she's very into "fashion" which personally I don't believe in. I think fashion is whatever YOU like.

TTFN

Corey

Up on my high horse again and growing a sarcastic attitude that would put my current self to shame.

Some thoughts:

- it is easy to dismiss fashion when your parents let you walk out of the house in patterned vests and cordoroy turquoise skorts.

- forcing someone to kiss you is not sexy.

-having your friends try to force someone to kiss you is even less sexy.

- a journal cannot talk back, no matter how conversationally you address it.

- you will inevitably become best friends with whichever person you hate the most... watch out.

Life lessons from 1995.

12 Year Old Corey Goes Bat Shit Crazy.

May 16, 1995

Beth,

Well here's a story for you:

I walked into Youth Group today and we were all sitting around talking and someone said something like they were talking about me or something. So I tried to get it out of Ellen and Alicia and Scott. Finally I got it out of Alicia and Ellen. They told me Patrick really liked me a lot and all but he didn't like going out. He doesn't want to dump me though cause then I will think he doesn't like me and I'll hate him. I'm kinda upset but not really cause Ellen and Alicia said he's not going to dump me. So I called Diana to talk to her about it and here's the conversation:

Corey: Hi Diana

Diana: Hi.

Corey: Why would someone not like going out?

D: Maybe they think its stupid or something.

C: Oh.

D: Did Ellen tell you something?

C: Yeah. Ellen and Alicia.

D: Alicia knows? Are we talking about the same thing?

C: Dunno, what are you talking about?

D: I can't tell you because Ellen and I said we wouldn't tell you cause you might--- gotta go I'll call you later. Bye!

Then she hung up. So now I'm waiting for her to call back. I'm so nervous my stomach is turning somersaults cause I think we were talking about totally different things!!! I AM SOOOOO NERVOUS. CALL BACK DIANA! BETH I'M GOING TO DIE IF I DON"T FIND OUT WHAT THE FUCK DIANA CAN'T TELL ME!!!!!!!

This is the most nerve-wrecking situation I've ever been in. Fine- I'm exaggerating but so what??? I'm going to have a nervous breakdown right here on my bed. Is it bad? Good? Neutral? Important? What is it anyway? I'm literally shaking and my stomach is seriously going berzerk, haywire! I can't think of any more words that mean crazy but I think you catch my drift. Get the point. Get the picture. Get it. I can't think of any more phrases that mean understand but I don't think I need to go any further, continue, spell it out for you. Look at me, I'm babbling on and on. I always do when I get nervous. Bethany... why hasn't she called? If she doesn't call soon there will be a murder. Specifically, Diana's.

I better go.

Corey

What's amazing about this entry is that there is no follow up where I reveal the exciting conclusion of this story. Actually, what is actually amazing about this entry is that I managed to somehow interact in a somewhat normal way with people even though I was so clearly a complete psychopath. As concerned as I often am about little Corey's sanity-- this time I'm actually wondering if I needed to be medicated. Or sedated.

At first I thought my friends were being bitches by keeping it a secret from me that Patrick wanted to break up. But after taking a second (much more evolved and adult) look, I realized they were actually looking out for my best interests and trying to not hurt me. Crap. I guess I really was the evil whore of the group.

I'm upset about this one though. Because Patrick and I do NOT break up, and I never seem to reference his ambivalence again. But.... was it all a lie?? Did he ever even like me? Was he just waiting it out?

Sigh. Relationships are hard.

Inside Jokes and the Need for Control

May 3, 1995

Beth,

Well, seems like a day without tears and fights and horrible trouble would be just about impossible. What is wrong with my stupid life? Why can't I just be normal and not get myself so mixed up in everything. I'm so confused!

Kristen is acting like a selfish pig. Ellen and Kristen are getting so close it seems like its them against us (Diana and I). It's so weird. I've had so many bad things happen in the last two days its not even funny. I wonder if everyone's life is as pathetically horrid and confusing as mine. Or maybe its a stage, like before my period or something where my life just falls apart and maybe everything will be better when I go to Nobles next year. I hope so. I hate my life so so so much!

Love,

Corey

May 4, 1995 {YES THATS RIGHT. THE VERY NEXT DAY.)

Beth,

Finally my life is back to normal!! Kristen and I are better friends than ever before. Ellen... well she thinks we're friends but there was this whole thing was a "purple scrunchie" and it was supposedly an inside joke between Kristen and Ellen. Then I found out it was just a thing Ellen and Kristen did to make me and Diana mad. I'm a tad upset with Kristen, and really mad at Ellen! But my life is good, I'm in control now, so I'm content.

Love and Peace,

Corey

Couldn't resist putting these posts one after the other as they are written in The Journal. I like the dramatic, nonsensical shifts in emotion. That kind of instability must be terrifying. Not that things now are predictable or logical, but they definitely can't swing that quickly and with that little awareness. I like that the second entry sounds like its weeks later, things are "finally" back to normal. It makes me think you don't actually have any understanding of the passage of time when you are 12.

Purple scrunchie. This scenario makes actually SO much sense to me. It is exactly the kind of thing we did at this age (me, Diana, Ellen and Kristen... a dramatic little foursome). There was the constant shifting of those relationships and who was "closest" and how to prove that you were "closest" to someone else. Thank GOD it was four people and not three because with my victim mentality and intense overdramatic narcissism, I'm pretty sure I would have been the odd one out.

What do we really learn from these entries? I think the telling sentence is the last one. "I'm in control no, so I'm content". I don't mind being in fights with my friends... as long as I have the upper hand. And there's that tug of humiliation that I am still (hopefully just the tiniest, most manageable bit) my 12 year old self.

Oh and the hope that Nobles will make everything better?? Maybe the most ill informed, depressing thing I've ever written...

I love Farryl.

April 23, 1995

Bethany--

Well, Farryl made up with me! I'm so happy about it. I mean, I thought I would never talk to her again, never hear her laugh or see her smile... and if I did it would be from a distance. Now she is laughing with me, smiling at me, talking to me. Just a month earlier it was all just some fantasy, every time I saw Farryl or heard Farryl I would have an incredible urge to hit myself with all my might and shout, "Corey! Why did you write that note?" I don't remember why I did. I don't really remember her being a snob. Maybe I just want to start trouble. It worked!

Why am I looking back on all this? It's over. All that guilt has been lifted off my shoulder. Right?? Then why do I still feel it? It's not as intense and I don't want to hit myself or anything. It's just a mystery why I did it. I still have trouble saying "Farryl and I made up!" "Farryl's my friend!" I'm just facing all the wonderful glory of it all. I'm SO happy. For once my life is perfect. I had a fabulous vacation, homework is done, Farryl's my friend, Patrick is going to write me a love poem (long story), I don't have a worry. Is my prediction right?? Will my life be all better by June 23rd ? Is it improving already? I just hope it IS. I just HOPE it is.

Peace and Love,

Corey

AGHHHHHH.

Do I have some romantic fascination with Farryl? I seem pretty decidedly into guys but there is something SO intense with the way I talk about her. And our reconciliation. And about how I had always fantasized about being friends again. Also, I'm concerned about wanting to hit myself.

As for the love poem Patrick is supposedly writing me... I have a strong strong feeling Diana is forcing him to write said love poem. Like, physically forcing him.

Maybe I should write FARRYL a love poem... I seem to have all the material....

GOD I'm getting more melodramatic and intense with every entry. When do I get less weird? Or do I have years and years of this still to go??

Life sucks and I hate everything.

April 9,1995

Dear Bethany,

Hi! Nothing new is happening here. I was going to have a rehearsal for this movie I'm directing, but everyone called and said they couldn't make it. I'm SO burned up. I mean, they made a commitment and BOOM they kill it. So I guess I'll hang around and be bored today. Cool plans, huh? Oh well. Life is so hard on me. I try so hard to do something or be something and then it doesn't workout. Not just today, a lot. This whole year. Since June 23,1994 my life has sucked, gone down the drain, ya know? Hopefully it will all get better on June 23, 1995! It's been so tough. Everything. I hate my life. It's so mixed up. Just when I think everything is going great my world turns upside down and gets all screwed up. I just don't get it. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to burst into tears for no reason. And I have no one to talk to about this. If I told a friend they just wouldn't understand. But then again, neither do I!

Love,

Corey

Dude. If this isn't some fucking hardcore pre-adolescent crazy going down I don't know what is. I assume this is not all about the "movie" I was "directing (WHAT?? No really. WHAT??? What am I talking about?? Do I even have access to a video camera? What script are we using? And we're REHEARSING?? Seriously, how did no one stop me???)

I wish I knew what all the angst was about but I really don't. Hormones, mostly? I mean, I got Patrick to be my boyfriend my sheer will power... and yet I don't seem to get any happier. In fact, I get less happy. So it's not about unrequited love... I mean, what else is there when you're 12??

I hope this gets better. I think I'm depressed now. Not Crazy-12-year-old-Corey depressed... just like, "hey this sucks" depressed. Cause I swear to god I'm less angsty now. Really. I'm borderline sane now.

Reflections on Four Square

April 3, 1995

Dear Bethany,

Hello. I'm going to try very hard to write every day, but it'll be hard. I'm also gonna try not to get so much into stories, but more into feelings.

So much has changed this year. "Fights" between my friends and I are lasting longer, often for a month or more, or they are eternal fights (Farryl) It's so unbelievably hard on me. So much to think about.

Allison: straight A's, beautiful, perfect.

Ellen: Totally ignoring me sometimes.

Diana: Just different.

Sometimes I feel like Kristen and Piper are the only people in the world I can trust.

Also, this may seem like a very trivial thing but at recess every one of my good friends play four square and I don't know how to. I feel so left out. My outfits are cool though. And that's important to me. I guess I should try to think of reasons to talk to my friends so they won't play four square, or ask Piper how to play it... yeah, I think I'll do that.

My mom's always on me these telling me how unorganized and not responsible I am. It's not true. I'm just not perfect like everyone else in the world. What's wrong with that? Sorry I'm not perfect like Allison.

Also, Ellen is just acting so much like she hates me or something. I don't get it! She said she wanted to have a P.T. (Private Talk) with me, but I guess not. I mean, when I pulled her aside at recess she seemed like all she wanted to do was get away from me and get back to her fucking game. Why am I SO not cool???

Also, this is gonna sound REALLY weird but sometimes for no reason at all I get this really messed up feeling and I grit my teeth and shut my mouth very tight, and then I don't know what happens but sometimes it makes me feel better, like more relaxed and stuff. Well I guess I'll go now.

Peace and Love,

Corey

First things first. When did PIPER become one of the only people I could trust?? For any of you reading loyally you'll remember that I spent approximately a gajillion entries talking about what a horrible bitch Piper is. I have no explanation for this, which I guess is a product of me trying to focus my journaling on "feelings" and not "stories".

Agh, this Four Square stuff. I remember it WELL although it makes me want to die a little inside reading about it so earnestly. Why is childhood like that?? I was similarly stressed out about volleyball on the beach in the summers. Like, you can't just not want to do the thing everyone elseis doing without being a HUGE loser. And four square... I mean, is that even something that you actually have to LEARN how to play?? Don't you just like, bounce a ball around or something?

That my redeeming feature is my cool outfits is not surprising. That is one of the best things I have to offer in general. Sadly, at twelve my outfits definitely were NOT cool, so that was a pretty inaccurate telling of my good qualities. sigh. why am i so not cool? I guess I'll never know.

I so rarely speak about my family at all that I get a little shock when I talk about my parents. The beginning of adolescence is happening. No denying it. There's some serious angst going on.

As for my jaw clenching issues.... ummm I feel like that is not a good sign for little Corey. Or for big Corey for that matter. Poor little stressed out Corey! Don't worry. I didn't develop an OCD although it sounds a little compulsive and scary.

Um, I think I'm officially depressed now.

That, and laughing at the memory of telling my friends I needed to have a "P.T." with them. Why were we so into abbreviations and hand gestures?? Did we not have a full grasp of the English language?? Did we struggle with basic communication?

I do enjoy the reflective tone at the beginning of the entry. Clearly I'm practically turning into a sensitive, mature young adult. um. yeah.

MY FIRST BOYFRIEND. OR: THREE AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS

March 13, 1995

Bethany--

Hi! Soooo much has happened!! Most importantly, Patrick asked me out on my birthday. Exactle one month ago today. Speaking of my b-day I got a phone jack and a cool phone. I LOVE PATRICK! Here's the exact words:

Patrick: Corey would you like to go out with me?

Corey: Yes.

Patrick: Happy Birthday!

Corey: Thanks.

Phone conversation (that afternoon around 3:30. Diana was there.)

Patrick: Hi, Corey? This is Patrick.

Corey: Oh! Hi!

Patrick: I'm just calling cause Diana told me to.

Corey: Oh! (SILENCE) So.... how are you?

Patrick: Good, how are you?

Corey: I'm good. (MOM WALKS IN) Oh my god! I'm sorry- I really have to go!

Patrick: That's ok. Bye.

Corey: Bye!

Then later, about two weeks after that we talked again (at recess). I don't remember much but here's the idea:

Patrick: Hi.

Corey: Hi.

Patrick: So what did you do on vacation?

Corey: Um, I just stayed here. What did you do?

Patrick: I went to Florida.

Corey: Cool.

(LONG PAUSE)

Patrick: It's snowing.

Corey: (GIGGLE)

You get the idea. Pointless conversations but when I look at him smiling at me I just get so nervous! I love him but I think i MIGHT like Jake, Reese, and Brad. But not like I love Patrick. I want to talk to him but I get so nervous when I try to.

Guess what?? I got into Nobles- the school I want to go to.

I LOVE PATRICK AND... HE LOVES ME! He does! Ellen asked him!

Love

Corey

Well. Here's where it really begins. The true beginning of my love life, setting the stage for all that is to come. Obviously my standards for conversation were pretty minimal, as were my standards for actually connecting on level or, like, having a relationship. Oh, and by Patrick "asking me out" that DOES NOT MEAN A DATE. I'll give you the spoiler now. We never go on a date. NEVER. "Asking out" just means that now we... officially like each other? Get to have awkward public recess conversations? "love" each other? It's unclear what the exact rules are, but trust me, its FOR REAL.

A shout out to Diana for making this all happen... and making Patrick call me in what is surely the single most awkward phone call of my entire life. GOD I wish I had lived in a time where there were text messages. Soooo much easier. In fact, I don't think I'd have continued dating at all had text messages not come into my life. How could I possibly have a normal phone conversation with a potential boyfriend after THAT disaster?? Let's just say I'm still afraid of the phone. And I screen calls like a motherfucker.

Perhaps the most surprising part of the entry is that I also have suddenly developed feelings for THREE OTHER BOYS. I am such a commitment-phobe. WTF. I finally get the person I've been pining after for TWO WHOLE YEARS, and my first thought is that I also like three other people, one of whom is REESE, my friend Allison's boyfriend?!? Will I never be satisfied?? I think it's all making sense now... like, my whole life. I think I understand it all now. And I'm terrified.

Another shout out to Ellen for asking Patrick if he loves me. Which, thank god, he does. I mean, can't you tell? The love was deep, my friends. I actually think I miss the way you love when you're 12. It's a word that has a totally different meaning at that age then it does a decade or two later. Love was literally just the nervousness and excitement, the thrill. The singular focus. And as soon as Patrick and I make it official.... BOOM. He loves me.

There's something brewing here that has Deep Meaning, but I can't quite put my finger on it yet.

Separation Anxiety

January 30, 1995

Dear Bethany,

Hi! Nothing new here. On Saturday Diana and I went to Boston with Diana's Aunt Jessica, had our nails done (mine are brightish coral), had lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe and babysat for a third grader.

Then we were going to have a sleepover but I got that FEELING. I REALLY REALLY did not want to sleep there away from my mom and dad. =( So I lied and said I had a REALLY bad stomachache. It wasn't a total lie, I mean I've been having cramps and stuff. So then my mom picked me up. I was so happy and I like totally felt relieved, happy and relaxed. Oh Bethy, do I sound really pathetic and immature? I feel like it. I mean, I gotta be able to have a fuckin' sleep over. You know what's weird about it? At Sargent Camp and over vacations I don't get that FEELING. Weird huh?

Today was boring.

Love,

ME

God I remember this period of time where I suddenly developed some weird separation anxiety for like, a year. What is especially bizarre is that Diana lived literally a 90 second drive from my house. And her family was completely my second family. I should have been totally comfortable there but clearly something else was up. And god, how humiliating, as an 11 year old, to leave your best friend's house when you're supposed to LOVE sleepovers. They totally knew, too. I seem to remember Diana's mother commenting on it and asking me what was up. I had no explanation for it, but it happened quite a few times, and every time I had a mysterious "stomachache". God being this age sucks. The age when you are starting to become neurotic but you don't know WHY. These days I totally know where my neurosis come from. Makes it easier.

What was up with Hard Rock Cafe? Why was it the pinnacle of classiness for us? I remember this day with Diana's Aunt Jessica SO well. I remember what I wore (this was during an unfortunate stage where I liked wide legged silky pants. It was a thing. I believe I wore coral ones with white polka dots on this day. And surely a matching vest, cause that's just how I rocked it back then.) Getting a manicure was the height of maturity and Diana's Aunt Jessica was by far the coolest adult we knew (with the possible exception of our student teacher, Candace).

And what crazy parents let us babysit their third grader?? What third grader actually respects a couple of four foot tall 11 year olds??

It's WAY too confusing to explain to you.

January 26, 1995

Dear Bethy,

Hi! How's life? NORMAL! I mean really, could it be more boring? Let's see, Mr. M said my grades were dropping, that was a bit distracting. He said he was only telling me that 'cause he likes me. I guess I like him too but not THAT much. I mean, he can really get to me.

Evie and Mike broke up but it wasn't really official and its just been like, five days since they started so...

Another person that is not talking to one of her friends-- Piper is not taking to Evie. It's WAY too confusing to explain to you.

Georgia wore pigtails to school today. It looked really screwed but I'm not about to say that to her face.

Today when I was looking at myself in the mirror I noticed that I have a beautiful smile!

Love,

Corey

I wonder now if Mr. M actually told me about my grades because of how much he likes me or if thats just what he says to everyone. I think I take it to heart a little too much-- as if he is vying for my friendship and I'm going to have to turn the poor guy down cause, you know, i don't like him THAT much.

I also am shocked at the drama of sixth grade relationships. Everyone seems to be in a couple but as far as I know no one (really. NO ONE) actually speaks, touches, or goes on dates. So the getting together and breaking up is totally lacking actual cause and effect. Which is maybe why I'm so fascinated by it. Imagine a world where at any moment any two totally arbitrary people who have no interest in each other can suddenly decide to be in a committed relationship. It's thrilling, right?

I can't comment on the fact that I suddenly, while staring at my own reflection noticed by amazing beauty. So few things in this world are shocking, hilarious, humiliating and prideful all at once, but I think that one sentence pretty much covers every emotion I have access to.

Maturity.

January 25, 1995

Dear Bethany,

Hi. How's life? Boy for me its not too great. I mean its not bad at all but I must be losing it. Seriously! Someone can say anything at all and I'll burst into tears. For instance, today Mom told me that Diana has a more mature face than I do. Then I had a tantrum. I mean I was literally acting like a three year old. I guess I can kinda understand why I was upset. I mean think about it, I always have known how small I am but I thought my mature face and features made up for it. Then my mom tells my Diana has a more mature face than mine! I guess it just hurt.

Also, Kristen started crying about how much she wants Reese. She really likes him a lot, I can tell. She gets so upset. Also I discovered how competitive she is. She was telling me how she HAS to be on top or she gets upset.

Well, gotta go!

love,

Corey

This is another one of those entries I had to reallllly force myself to put up. Something about the way I talk about my "mature face and features" realllly makes me want to hang myself. And of course it helps that I know what I look like at the time I wrote this. Braces. Huge Oversized Ears. Freckles all over my nose. Teeny Tiny.

And all I want is some... what? weathered, tough looking face? What does a "mature face" mean at age 11? Mature BODY I'd understand... but face? I mean, we're not even teenagers yet. As evidenced by the fact I THREW A TANTRUM. And then actually tried to justify my tantrum's validity. My poor mother.

And this ongoing saga with Kristen... I'm so involved. Which actually sounds like current-day Corey. Too bad Kristen's so competitive. When I obviously was so... generous... and... modest.

Also, when do i break the habit of talking to "Bethany" as if she is a person.... I literally ask her "how's life?". As if she is off doing something during the times I am not, you know, writing to her. Was a schizo? Do i have ISSUES?

Best Use of Curse Words

January 24, 1995

Dear Bethy,

Well, I got the letter from Farryl. Pathetic. Always saying " I don't need time, Corey Ann" "I won't regret this, Corey Ann" I wonder if she thinks she makes a point by using my full name? I don't know. I wonder. You know, after this letter, I've come to the conclusion I don't even want to be her friend anymore. I think real true friends would always realize the other person makes mistakes. And you know what? I don't think I made a mistake by writing Farryl that letter, I meant ever word. It was the right thing to do. SHE'S A FUCKING BITCHY BRAT AND SHE KNOWS IT!!!

Anyway, enough about Farryl, even though that's my life right now.

Also, Ellen and I decided we're doing something together for the 6th grade talent show. She's going to play the piano while I sing "A Whole New World".

You know, I never told you but in December I was in a play called Amahl and the Night Visitors. I was Amahl, a 12 year old crippled boy! It was sooooo much fun. And I got paid $150- Nice deal!

Love,

Corey

It must be nice to never be at fault. I'm so glad I've come around to NOT being sorry at ALL about the condescending, evil note I took it upon myself to write. I mean, if I find someone bitchy for no apparent reason I should DEFINITELY lay it all out and describe their faults, just for the betterment of humanity. It's actually selfless. Generous. I was being NICE. How dare she use my full name in response??

...It actually sounds like I got off pretty easy given how horrible I was. I remember this being so upsetting and destroying me, but in reality I feel like Farryl didn't really fight back too hard. She basically said what everyone else should have said at that point: I don't want you in my life.

My use of cursing still leaves something to be desired. I respect the effort, but 27 year old Corey sounds way less awkward when swearing like a sailor. I'll grow into it I guess. "Fucking bitchy brat" just doesn't roll off the tongue easily enough.

I Want A Secret Admirer.

January 23, 1995

Dear Beth,

Allison came over today. We did out homework and then we called our friends, asked them questions about the other person, and the person we were asking questions to wouldn't know we were on the other line. For instance:

Allison and Reese are going out. Kristen LIKES Reese though, even though he's going out with Allison. Si she wrote him a secret admirer note. Unfortunately Allison (Who Kristen and I didn't want to find out) saw us giving the note and was immediately curious. So she kept asking about the note. Finally she guessed it was Kristen, and that it was an admirer note. When she guessed I couldn't keep it in any longer. So I told her what was left of the story and she got sooooo pissed at Kristen. Kristen found out that Allison knew even though she doesn't think I have anything to do with it. Consequently, they're in a fight.

Now you probably guessed that Allison and I called Kristen. I asked Kristen all these questions about Reese and Allison while Allison listened in. Then Allison called Farryl and asked her questions about me. Farrul said I was a bitch. Also, I wrote her a note saying "hmmm. what should I say? Nothing. Nothing can describe how sorry I am." and then ended with "Write back". Farryl was telling Allison about the note she wrote to me. It says stuff like "'hmmm. What should I say? Nothing. Nothing can describe how much I hate you." and "Don't bother writing back". I guess I await my fate tomorrow.

Oh well. I can live without Farryl. I meant what I said in my letter. She's a Vain Snobby Brat!

Love,

Corey

I feel like this phone call deal has become a little bit of a cliche, but it still is appalling to me. It's INVITING drama in, and its fascinating. We call the most controversial figures in our lives and make them say horrible things about us. For what purpose? To make the fight worse? To feed our anger? Because our lives are so boring that we have to constantly stir the pot??

Poor Kristen. She doesn't stand a chance against Allison's wrath and by enormous need to be a bitch. I fear for what happens to her next. Why did she write a secret admirer note?? why?? Do we learn these things in movies and think they are ok for real life? Is it result-oriented, or is just the giving of the note cathartic? Do secret admirer notes exist in real life? I invite any and all secret admirers to send notes my way. I like the ridiculous, naive frivolity of the gesture.

Of course I told Allison. Of COURSE Kristen doesn't think it has anything to do with me. Do these people never learn? Have I given them any reason to think I am trustworthy? How do I have them all fooled? Is it the tiny-ness? The blonde hair? The dimple??

I commend Farryl for standing up to me. I also commend her for making fun of my letter in all its pretentious glory. We throw words like "hate" around so freely. I can't think of a time I've told a friend (un-ironically) that I HATE them. It's committing to a feeling that is so strong... I think as adults we learn that these things shift.

And of course, I come out on top. After apologizing for the letter and realizing my sins, I go back to my original sentiment (capitalizations and all).

The Plot to Kill Kristen.

January 21, 1995

Dear Bethany,

Hi! No, Farryl hasn't forgiven me, even though I wrote her yet another apology letter. But this was (I thought) written much better.

Oh, by the way, I re-decorated my closet You know, painted the shelves. It looks SO COOL. Like one shelf has a sun and a moon. One has a rainbow, one is lots of stickers and one is all my friends signing in.

Diana wrote: "To Cor, I'm in front cause I'm the your best of friends. Pretty cool closet and many more."

Allison wrote: "Corey, I hope Kristen dies." ... At the time Allison was and still is mad at Kristen for writing a secret admirer note to Reese, Allison's boyfriend.

love,

Corey

This marks the moment I learned that even the best written apology note won't forgive complete evil bitchiness. The only thing I'm sure about with this note is that I spent more time congratulating myself on the high quality of the writing than I did actually accepting responsibility for what I did.

As for the closet... this was also known as my "office". I'm not kidding. My little walk in closet was my office where I sat and did "work". This is why I spent so much time decorating it.

Allison's message, just to clarify, was written in our secret language. I wish I could replicate it here, but sadly there is no font for our complex system of weird little symbols. We often used it to plot the deaths of our fellow classmates.

Poor Kristen. Allison was arguably the prettiest little 11 year old ever, and Kristen just simply had no shot with Reese. Given that, its surprising Allison even gave a shit that Kristen wrote Reese a note... no one was getting that boy away from Allison. No one.

...rainbows and stickers. still, corey? really? aren't we getting a little old for that.

when do i get cool???

Journal Number 3 and The Truthmaster.

Third Journal, the Stained Glass Journal. Finally embracing my "artsy" self.

January 14, 1994

Dear Bethany,

Hi! I'm so sorry I haven't written for such a long time but nothing has seemed important enough to tell you about. But now something has. It all started last week.

I had gotten really annoyed at Farryl because she was becoming "snobbish". For instance, she and Allison complained about how "fat and ugly" they are which is totally untrue. So I assumed she was just doing it to get compliments. So I wrote her a letter telling her my thoughts but assuring her I didn't mean to be cruel or anything like that. So Kristin gave her the note I wrote (it was signed "The Truthmaster"). She read it and knew immediately who wrote it. She wrote me a note back saying "Dear Truthmaster: I know who you are. THANKS A LOT! Your so-called snob, Farryl."

She also told her best friend Piper she would never forgive me. In desperation yesterday I wrote her another letter telling her how sorry I was, and how she had so many good qualities (a tiny white lie). I don't know if it worked yet.

Love,

Corey

I have been waiting patiently for this entry. I remember VERY well writing this note and the fall out that happened because of it. I was hoping there would be some explanation for writing an "anonymous" (THE TRUTHMASTER?? REALLY????) note to someone who I considered a "friend" (at this point I think I have to use that term loosely.) Sadly there was no such explanation. Clearly something bigger was going on. No way was this entire psychotic reaction just from Farryl complaining about being "fat" (how concerned could i possibly be with Farryl's insecurities, after all?) But at least in this first entry there is zero reasonable explanation.

It is now that I have to admit... I think I LIKED the drama. I mean, you don't write that note if you are looking for a calm, drama-free school year. Also, I'm wondering if I truly believed The Truthmaster's note would actually "cure" Farryl's attitude. This seems naive, even for eleven year old Corey. Although I suppose I did think pretty highly of my own morality and writing talents. So in that case... perhaps I thought my writing would have a life changing effect on my audience like all the other great leaders before me. Sigh.

What's fascinating about all of this is I was not exceptionally "popular". I was a mean girl, clearly, but not in any traditional way. I was, if anything, condescended to and mildly tolerated. In this day and age I'm pretty sure this kind of treacherous behavior is reserved for just the most beautiful, most socially secure pre-teens. I wouldn't last a week in modern day elementary school. Thank god for the 90s.

Ace of Base vs. Mariah Carey vs... Phil Collins??

September 8, 1994

Dear Bethany,

Hello. Today will be my last entry in this journal.

Today was the first day of school. I wore: a white t-shirt, my locket, a silver bracelet, a blue white and black kilt, white socks and a cool pair of shoes. I thought I looked at least 12. I was really nervous. What if no one else is dressed up? What if I hate Mr. Moran? What if everyone makes fun of me?

I know these sound like stupid questions... but I think everyone is worried about stuff like that.

We had an open-circle type thing. We went around and said our name and our favorite rock group/singer. It was to help the new kids know us better. I said my favorite group was Ave of Base. I like them, but they're not my favorite. I mean seriously! I don't want to ruin my reputation by saying some one like Phil Collins or Mariah Carey. On new boy, Justin, said Mariah Carey. Maybe he's gay or something because that is NOT a boy singer. If you know what I mean.

Love,

Corey

a KILT?? I wore a KILT on my first day of school?? Who let me out of the house wearing these getups? Oh well. At least I had "cool shoes". Lord knows what THAT means. But as long as they made me look at least 12 years old... then i'm good to go. Of course, at this point in my journals I am 11, so I'm not sure why the one year jump up was so vital. I guess 12 IS pretty damn mature...

Ok. Music. I stand behind my Ace of Base selection whole heartedly. BUT, why are they a band that will be good for my reputation, whereas Mariah Carey is not? Time of course shows us that Mariah had a somewhat (ha) more successful career than Ace of Base. But the real question... Phil Collins?? Where did THAT come from? I don't really recall having a deep passion for Phil Collins. Or having a CD (or in 1994 a cassette tape I suppose) of his at all for that matter. Did 11 year olds listen to Phil Collins?

Poor Phil. Being considered less reputable than Ace of Base. Ouch.

Oh, and Justin may not have been gay but he did not have the good social understanding that I did. According to Corey's laws of popularity lying is always the best way to protect your reputation. Poor kid. I wonder if everyone else was as aware of this serious faux-pas as I was...

As Requested.

The Working Women of Corey's Brain with Your Host Miss Blah Blah (clapping)...

Thank you, thank you. Now onto the first interview. Breanna.

Q: Breanna, what part of Corey's body do you work in?

A: I work in the brain.

Q: What is your job there?

A: I work with thoughts, and since I'm a genie I try to make her wishful thoughts come true.

Q: What do you think of logic?

A: Yuck, logic is so trapped. You can tell Corey hates logic because she hates math and math is very logical.

Q: Corey loves writing... does that have anything to do with logic?

A: No of course not . Writing is so free and thoughtful. I think it's positively lovely that she likes it.

Q: Is there any reason you took up thoughts?

A: Well, I don't like to think of it as a reason since I hate reasons but I thought it would be nice to take up thoughts since this has gone through generations of my family. I'm having a baby soon and I hope he or she takes up thoughts.

Q: Do you hope to have a boy or a girl?

A: Definitely a girl.

Q: Is there any reason you want a girl instead of a boy?

A: NO NOT A REASON!! But I THINK a girl would be nicer because boys have been proven to be better at math.

Q: Who else works in the brain with you?

A: Well there's Belle, the logic brain and Bonnie who tells the other parts of Corey's anatomy what to do.

Q: I take it you're not too fond of Belle?

A: Not at all. Her section of the brain is so neat and organized. She even has one of those little cabinets to keep math problems in.

Q: Who is your husband?

A: My husband is the thoughts of Corey's love, Patrick's brain.

Q: Does he have the same ideas as you?

A: Yes, except with him the logic takes over. He is so very weak.

I don't think this requires much commentary. It is another project I worked on in my journal, a series of interviews like these go on for a week or two and "Miss Blah Blah" interviews different parts of my brain.

Obviously the best part of this interview is my assessment of how Patrick's brain works. I am pretty impressed with the succinct and creative way I tackle the differences between men and women... it explains a lot.

Corey+ Mr. Mellow = Love 4ever

September 7, 1994

Dear Bethany,

Today I'm at Allison's. Mom and Dad are taking my brother to boarding school. You know what I hate about him going to boarding school? Everything I say my mom will reply, "After we get your brother off to school." I'm important too!!! I have troubles too! I need stuff for school! WHY ME?

Allison and I have been looking through her sister Rachel's magazines like YM and Seventeen and stuff. Right now Allison is giving me a test on what kind of guy I would attract. It's fun. I attract: MR. MELLOW:

"Having a good time is very important to this guy. He's witty, relaxed and happy to entertain you (as long as it doesn't take too much effort). Rarely angry, he takes everything in stride and tends to forgive quickly."

Cool huh?

Love,

Corey

If only the quizzes in YM and Seventeen had proved the be right. It really would have saved me from a lot of big mistakes. This guy sounds great, but I don't seem to manage finding him. Even Patrick is kind of a neurotic mess. I don't know about his wit (god forbid i TALK to the guy) but he definitely was not relaxed.

More importantly, how did I manage to answer questions that led me to that result?? What mellow dude would want to date the narcissistic, angst ridden DISASTER of an 11 year old that I was?? What did I say to make Seventeen Magazine believe I was deserving of some chilled out wonderful guy?

(I mean, see the first paragraph of this SAME ENTRY. My self pity and victim complex knows no bounds.)

In case you didn't notice, there is a huge chronological break between this entry and the last one. That is because I got really boring during the summer months and my journal is full of exciting information like what I ate and how good my tennis game/lizard-house-making/singing/swimming was.