In which I contemplate a BERET.

Hey Beth!

I WANT TO GO FUCKING HOME!!!

I had so much fun with my family! I got a Crazy Creek chair, jean overalls and the coolest jeans. They are wide-legged. They look good on me, I think. I'm going for a totally new style this year. I'm going to buy this really cool beret and look all hippie-ish. I want to grow my hair longer and get like platform-type shoes. I'm so psyched. And I want cool dresses. And I have this awesome new shirt that mom gave me and I'm going to spray chamomile tea in my hair and it will turn lighter. I have TONS of fake tattoos now. Like 30 or so that I wear a lot. I can't wait! GET ME HOME!

love,
Corë

Still using the umlaut.
And now planning on wearing a beret.

The cool won't stop.

Changing My Name, Changing Everything.

July 31, 1996

Bethy,

Hi! I just got back from the best evening activity-- Casino night! We got to dress up in costumes and we got fake money. Tina and I pooled our fake money and worked together and at the end we had $940! In a few days we get to go to an auction where they auction off cool things like counselors as servants or trips to the ice cream store. I can't wait. Oh, by the way, these things are shared as a cabin. 

I can't wait-- only 17 days left of camp. I'm kinda psyched. Mom, Dad and my brother and his girlfriend are ALL coming Saturday or Sunday for the whole day. Doesn't that rule? Yea! I really miss my bedroom, isn't that strange? 

Oh I almost forgot that after camp on the 25th I go to Bermuda for a few days. Won't that be fun? I know it will be! I LOVE summer!

Corë

The most important thing about this entry is that I mysteriously change the spelling of my name from Corey to Corë. Note the umlaut. It was part of my exciting new identity. I insisted that my parents use this spelling in their letters to me. Strangely, they happily complied. I actually think they thought it was cool? There is such a thing as being too supportive.

That said, I'm going back to the super cool spelling. Please call my Corë from now on. I'm alerting my publisher so they get my name right on my book. God I'm awesome.

List Of Everything That's Terrible

July 26, 1996

Bethany,

Lots of news! First off, I got the part of Rafiki in The Lion King. I don't know if it's bad or good-- good  I think. Got a package from Jen. Unfortunately it was mostly candy and they took it away, even though she hid it wicked well. I got another letter from Dad with a wicked funny article. 

Awful news. You remember that letter I told Jillian to give Bryan?She gave it to him and he showed ut to everyone on the beach and now they all know I like(d) him! I HATE HIM SO MUCH! 

I don't understand why he would do that. He obviously doesn't like me but I thought we were at least friends. If he really valued our friendship he that wouldn't have happened. So now let's list everything that's wrong with my life:

1. I haven't gone out with a guy for more than 8 months. 
2. They guy I like couldn't care less about me. 
3. My brother is leaving me alone with my mom and dad. 
4. For some reason the camp I loved last year just isn't the same this year.
5. Someone I thought was a good friend sorta uses me.
6. One of the most special friends I've ever had is moving to Germany possibly. 
7. I can't get the lead in a stupid camp play, let alone ever make it to where I want to go. 

So basically I'm a stupid, untalented, friendless happy-less, boyfriendless girl.

FABULOUS JUST WHAT I NEED. 

love,
Corey

PS: At least I have Diana. 

A lesson I have learned from combing through these old journal entries? DO NOT WRITE LETTERS. I don't know if this applies to email too (PROBABLY) but it seems like any time Little Corey puts something in writing it goes terribly, terrible wrong.

This list makes me sad. And also happy, because even on a bad day, 30 year old Corey doesn't ever hate THIS many things about life. I'm interested to see when the bitterness fades.

In which my stuffed animal kills itself.

July 26, 1996

Hi Bethy,

You know what Ellen is doing now? Complaining about camp! ELLEN! She LOVES camp! She is just a Brenda wanna-be. Brenda is just into saying how stupid camp is. We did this Mardi Gras party thing that (up to a point) was pretty cool. We got candy and made masks and stuff. Ellen and Brenda actually LEFT. They just left Hiland Hall and came to the cabin. That is SO NOT ELLEN!!! It pisses me off. She shouldn't go around, like, changing who she is to fit whoever she wants to be friends with. It's not fair to people who have been friends from before, know what I mean? I don't know what the fudge she is doing. Why she is so into Brenda. I hate it. 

GRRRR. 

July 27, 1996

Hi Bethany,

We had a HUGE cabin fight. Me, Brenda, and Ellen mostly. A group of cabinmates hung my stuffed animal Tammy on the window string and wrote a suicide note. All during Free Choice time I cried and rested. I was pissed. Then I came back from evening activity and Tammy was hung again. I cried and yelled at Ellen and Brenda (who were the main people in the second hanging). Then we had a cabin meeting etc. Brenda and I made up. She wrote me a really sincere, sweet note. Ellen  cried a little, but it was a bad cry. I didn't like the way she cried. 

love,
Corey

What is important to note about this entire story is that I completely forgot all about it. Ellen, however, recently contacted me and remembered ALL about it, down to my stuffed animal's name. I didn't remember Tammy getting hung at all, and basically can't even read this entries without cracking up. Also, important to note that Ellen is one of the loveliest people you'll ever meet. And from what I understand, she had a pretty awful summer at camp that year, too. Uh, basically the moral of the story is that growing up is hard.

There's something so simple and perfect about this prank. And about the way that 13 year olds grow up at different paces and experiment with rebellion at different paces. I think that's what makes this age so hard. Even if you are six months or a year apart from each other, in terms of growing into adolescence, it's full on traumatic. I wasn't ready to let go of stuffed animals and arts and crafts and being a little girl, but I knew it was right around the corner. And that's why I love these entries. I'm so scared and Ellen probably is too, and we don't know how to deal with alllllll the changes that come with being 13 and away from home and around brand new friends.

But man. The image of my stuffed animal hanging from the window with a suicide note attached to it's fur? Amazing. Truly, truly amazing.

Also, what is bad crying? How did I not like the way she cried?? Something I will never understand about Little Corey.

I am the best actress at camp. But no one knows it.

July 25, 1996

Beth,

I want to get a letter from Caroline. She is supposed to give a friendly letter to Bryan (HEART). He is supposed to write me too, but Caroline promised she would write me as soon as she gave him the letter, and she would write me what he thought of it and all. I got a letter from Mom and a package from Gramma and Pop-Pop. In it was a stupid magazine, a puzzle thing, mad libs, and a note from them. It's not very cool but I like packages so it's okay if it's not awesome, of course. But no letters from Caroline. KEEP ME IN SUSPENSE MUCH?? How annoying. Maybe tomorrow. 

At free choice today I'm auditioning for the camp play: The Lion King. I tried out last year but didn't get in. I don't know why either. I mean-- I'm pretty good. Definitely one of the best and most experienced actresses here. Not braggingly, but after all I have been PAID for acting. So I'm nervous that I won't make it. I think I will though. PRAY for me. 

Tonight Cece and I are singing a wicked stupid/silly song for campfire. And Sunday Night Campfire, Taylor, Cece and I are doing a skit about perseverance and understanding (this week's theme). 

I'M SO NERVOUS ABOUT AUDITIONS! I'm singing a song from Into The Woods. Wish me luck. Actually you can't because you're a journal!! 

Love,
Corey

I'm really glad I've been able to keep my humility in check with my acting abilities. Sigh.

And can you guess how my letter to Bryan is going to go?? CAN YOU? I mean, I don't want to shock you, but guys are not that into weird letters expressing your feelings when they are like 12. I can't confirm how they feel about it at 30, because I did finally stop doing it. But I'm going to guess it's never a good idea.

Also, I love my fake generosity about the care package from my grandparents. Clearly, I sort of know I'm supposed to think it's the thought that counts. But that ultimately I want cool presents.

Deep Thoughts at Camp

FROM CAMP
July 24. 1996

Bethany,

Hi! I got a great compliment. These two girls, Mary and Rachel, asked me how old I was. I said 13 and they said I looked really old. You know, like, I had a really mature face. Isn't that cool? 

I realized this year I'm never hyper. Cece pointed out that I'm always reading and writing. I'm so mellow. How strange. I never thought of myself that way but it's true. I was hyper once for a little while. But actually normally I'm totally laid back this year at camp. Not off the wall. In some ways it sort of upsets me. Everyone is joking and laughing and like jumping around the room and all I want to do is read and write. Isn't the strange? I think maybe it's because of my period which I'm having again. =( It should be over soon. 

Love,
Corey

And thus begins, like, five years of me feeling awkward around people having too much fun and not understanding why I'm suddenly all quiet and wanting to read and write all the time, and missing the part of myself that knew how to be all obnoxious and crazy, like a normal teenager.

And the book I'm reading at camp? SOPHIE'S WORLD. A novel about philosophy. Because I am now that girl. Maybe that's how my face got so mature??

The Love of My Life, Who I Hated Last Week

July 19. 1996

Bethany,

I think I actually love(d) Bryan. We're perfect for each other. I know it. Everything about it was new. I think I truly found my first love in him. He won't admit to even liking me. I think he does. He lives in California though. He has a girlfriend-- Wendy-- back there. But I think he knows we were meant for each other. I wrote him a letter for Jillian to give him after I leave for camp in two days. 

What I felt doesn't matter too much. It's sad but true. I have intense feelings for him but it doesn't matter. Living in the same time zone might be nice. We live different lives. He has never seen snow. I think I've seen way too much. Things like that. In that sense we are total opposites. On the other hand could it be possible that God meant for us to be together? We're both blonde, short, sarcastic, kind, happy, fast, tennis players, smart, etc. He's what I want. Some bitch in California got him instead, Story of my life. I'm 13. I've had only two boyfriends. I want more. If I don't get one this year...

If only something could have happened between Bryan and I. Why if we're so meant for each other do we live so far apart? It has to be fate that we both go to New Hampshire during the summers. Maybe he'll move to MA. I could even be content with New England. 

i'm getting over him. I can't love him from such a distance. In the dead of winter I won't even remember what Bryan Smith looks like. I have so much else. Maybe guys at school with like me more this year. Hope so! 

Love ya,

Corey

It must be mentioned that three entries ago I say Bryan is super weird and I don't like him anymore. So, re-read the entry with that in mind. That was approximately two weeks before this entry was written. Oh, TIME. 

Also you know Little Corey's serious when she starts writing LETTERS. That's always the sign that shit's getting real. Little Corey looooves writing letters to boys (or, sometimes, friends she now hates) about her deep feelings. Little Corey is also always convinced they will DO SOMETHING. They never do. 

I love that we cannot be together because I know snow so intimately and he does not. Damn I'm profound. Also, where's the God thing coming from? Was I going through some little religious phase? I totally went for it with the God talk... unexpected! Powerful! God cares about my Little Love Life! 

Most importantly: HOW MANY BOYFRIENDS DO I THINK I SHOULD HAVE HAD BY 13??? With such how expectations how will I ever be satisfied? (hint: I will never be satisfied. That is Corey's way, both Little and Old). 

Fate. Love. God. Playing Tennis. Being short and sarcastic. The passage of time. The way memories fade. This entry's got it all.