Inside Jokes and the Need for Control

May 3, 1995

Beth,

Well, seems like a day without tears and fights and horrible trouble would be just about impossible. What is wrong with my stupid life? Why can't I just be normal and not get myself so mixed up in everything. I'm so confused!

Kristen is acting like a selfish pig. Ellen and Kristen are getting so close it seems like its them against us (Diana and I). It's so weird. I've had so many bad things happen in the last two days its not even funny. I wonder if everyone's life is as pathetically horrid and confusing as mine. Or maybe its a stage, like before my period or something where my life just falls apart and maybe everything will be better when I go to Nobles next year. I hope so. I hate my life so so so much!

Love,

Corey

May 4, 1995 {YES THATS RIGHT. THE VERY NEXT DAY.)

Beth,

Finally my life is back to normal!! Kristen and I are better friends than ever before. Ellen... well she thinks we're friends but there was this whole thing was a "purple scrunchie" and it was supposedly an inside joke between Kristen and Ellen. Then I found out it was just a thing Ellen and Kristen did to make me and Diana mad. I'm a tad upset with Kristen, and really mad at Ellen! But my life is good, I'm in control now, so I'm content.

Love and Peace,

Corey

Couldn't resist putting these posts one after the other as they are written in The Journal. I like the dramatic, nonsensical shifts in emotion. That kind of instability must be terrifying. Not that things now are predictable or logical, but they definitely can't swing that quickly and with that little awareness. I like that the second entry sounds like its weeks later, things are "finally" back to normal. It makes me think you don't actually have any understanding of the passage of time when you are 12.

Purple scrunchie. This scenario makes actually SO much sense to me. It is exactly the kind of thing we did at this age (me, Diana, Ellen and Kristen... a dramatic little foursome). There was the constant shifting of those relationships and who was "closest" and how to prove that you were "closest" to someone else. Thank GOD it was four people and not three because with my victim mentality and intense overdramatic narcissism, I'm pretty sure I would have been the odd one out.

What do we really learn from these entries? I think the telling sentence is the last one. "I'm in control no, so I'm content". I don't mind being in fights with my friends... as long as I have the upper hand. And there's that tug of humiliation that I am still (hopefully just the tiniest, most manageable bit) my 12 year old self.

Oh and the hope that Nobles will make everything better?? Maybe the most ill informed, depressing thing I've ever written...

I love Farryl.

April 23, 1995

Bethany--

Well, Farryl made up with me! I'm so happy about it. I mean, I thought I would never talk to her again, never hear her laugh or see her smile... and if I did it would be from a distance. Now she is laughing with me, smiling at me, talking to me. Just a month earlier it was all just some fantasy, every time I saw Farryl or heard Farryl I would have an incredible urge to hit myself with all my might and shout, "Corey! Why did you write that note?" I don't remember why I did. I don't really remember her being a snob. Maybe I just want to start trouble. It worked!

Why am I looking back on all this? It's over. All that guilt has been lifted off my shoulder. Right?? Then why do I still feel it? It's not as intense and I don't want to hit myself or anything. It's just a mystery why I did it. I still have trouble saying "Farryl and I made up!" "Farryl's my friend!" I'm just facing all the wonderful glory of it all. I'm SO happy. For once my life is perfect. I had a fabulous vacation, homework is done, Farryl's my friend, Patrick is going to write me a love poem (long story), I don't have a worry. Is my prediction right?? Will my life be all better by June 23rd ? Is it improving already? I just hope it IS. I just HOPE it is.

Peace and Love,

Corey

AGHHHHHH.

Do I have some romantic fascination with Farryl? I seem pretty decidedly into guys but there is something SO intense with the way I talk about her. And our reconciliation. And about how I had always fantasized about being friends again. Also, I'm concerned about wanting to hit myself.

As for the love poem Patrick is supposedly writing me... I have a strong strong feeling Diana is forcing him to write said love poem. Like, physically forcing him.

Maybe I should write FARRYL a love poem... I seem to have all the material....

GOD I'm getting more melodramatic and intense with every entry. When do I get less weird? Or do I have years and years of this still to go??

Life sucks and I hate everything.

April 9,1995

Dear Bethany,

Hi! Nothing new is happening here. I was going to have a rehearsal for this movie I'm directing, but everyone called and said they couldn't make it. I'm SO burned up. I mean, they made a commitment and BOOM they kill it. So I guess I'll hang around and be bored today. Cool plans, huh? Oh well. Life is so hard on me. I try so hard to do something or be something and then it doesn't workout. Not just today, a lot. This whole year. Since June 23,1994 my life has sucked, gone down the drain, ya know? Hopefully it will all get better on June 23, 1995! It's been so tough. Everything. I hate my life. It's so mixed up. Just when I think everything is going great my world turns upside down and gets all screwed up. I just don't get it. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to burst into tears for no reason. And I have no one to talk to about this. If I told a friend they just wouldn't understand. But then again, neither do I!

Love,

Corey

Dude. If this isn't some fucking hardcore pre-adolescent crazy going down I don't know what is. I assume this is not all about the "movie" I was "directing (WHAT?? No really. WHAT??? What am I talking about?? Do I even have access to a video camera? What script are we using? And we're REHEARSING?? Seriously, how did no one stop me???)

I wish I knew what all the angst was about but I really don't. Hormones, mostly? I mean, I got Patrick to be my boyfriend my sheer will power... and yet I don't seem to get any happier. In fact, I get less happy. So it's not about unrequited love... I mean, what else is there when you're 12??

I hope this gets better. I think I'm depressed now. Not Crazy-12-year-old-Corey depressed... just like, "hey this sucks" depressed. Cause I swear to god I'm less angsty now. Really. I'm borderline sane now.

Reflections on Four Square

April 3, 1995

Dear Bethany,

Hello. I'm going to try very hard to write every day, but it'll be hard. I'm also gonna try not to get so much into stories, but more into feelings.

So much has changed this year. "Fights" between my friends and I are lasting longer, often for a month or more, or they are eternal fights (Farryl) It's so unbelievably hard on me. So much to think about.

Allison: straight A's, beautiful, perfect.

Ellen: Totally ignoring me sometimes.

Diana: Just different.

Sometimes I feel like Kristen and Piper are the only people in the world I can trust.

Also, this may seem like a very trivial thing but at recess every one of my good friends play four square and I don't know how to. I feel so left out. My outfits are cool though. And that's important to me. I guess I should try to think of reasons to talk to my friends so they won't play four square, or ask Piper how to play it... yeah, I think I'll do that.

My mom's always on me these telling me how unorganized and not responsible I am. It's not true. I'm just not perfect like everyone else in the world. What's wrong with that? Sorry I'm not perfect like Allison.

Also, Ellen is just acting so much like she hates me or something. I don't get it! She said she wanted to have a P.T. (Private Talk) with me, but I guess not. I mean, when I pulled her aside at recess she seemed like all she wanted to do was get away from me and get back to her fucking game. Why am I SO not cool???

Also, this is gonna sound REALLY weird but sometimes for no reason at all I get this really messed up feeling and I grit my teeth and shut my mouth very tight, and then I don't know what happens but sometimes it makes me feel better, like more relaxed and stuff. Well I guess I'll go now.

Peace and Love,

Corey

First things first. When did PIPER become one of the only people I could trust?? For any of you reading loyally you'll remember that I spent approximately a gajillion entries talking about what a horrible bitch Piper is. I have no explanation for this, which I guess is a product of me trying to focus my journaling on "feelings" and not "stories".

Agh, this Four Square stuff. I remember it WELL although it makes me want to die a little inside reading about it so earnestly. Why is childhood like that?? I was similarly stressed out about volleyball on the beach in the summers. Like, you can't just not want to do the thing everyone elseis doing without being a HUGE loser. And four square... I mean, is that even something that you actually have to LEARN how to play?? Don't you just like, bounce a ball around or something?

That my redeeming feature is my cool outfits is not surprising. That is one of the best things I have to offer in general. Sadly, at twelve my outfits definitely were NOT cool, so that was a pretty inaccurate telling of my good qualities. sigh. why am i so not cool? I guess I'll never know.

I so rarely speak about my family at all that I get a little shock when I talk about my parents. The beginning of adolescence is happening. No denying it. There's some serious angst going on.

As for my jaw clenching issues.... ummm I feel like that is not a good sign for little Corey. Or for big Corey for that matter. Poor little stressed out Corey! Don't worry. I didn't develop an OCD although it sounds a little compulsive and scary.

Um, I think I'm officially depressed now.

That, and laughing at the memory of telling my friends I needed to have a "P.T." with them. Why were we so into abbreviations and hand gestures?? Did we not have a full grasp of the English language?? Did we struggle with basic communication?

I do enjoy the reflective tone at the beginning of the entry. Clearly I'm practically turning into a sensitive, mature young adult. um. yeah.

MY FIRST BOYFRIEND. OR: THREE AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS

March 13, 1995

Bethany--

Hi! Soooo much has happened!! Most importantly, Patrick asked me out on my birthday. Exactle one month ago today. Speaking of my b-day I got a phone jack and a cool phone. I LOVE PATRICK! Here's the exact words:

Patrick: Corey would you like to go out with me?

Corey: Yes.

Patrick: Happy Birthday!

Corey: Thanks.

Phone conversation (that afternoon around 3:30. Diana was there.)

Patrick: Hi, Corey? This is Patrick.

Corey: Oh! Hi!

Patrick: I'm just calling cause Diana told me to.

Corey: Oh! (SILENCE) So.... how are you?

Patrick: Good, how are you?

Corey: I'm good. (MOM WALKS IN) Oh my god! I'm sorry- I really have to go!

Patrick: That's ok. Bye.

Corey: Bye!

Then later, about two weeks after that we talked again (at recess). I don't remember much but here's the idea:

Patrick: Hi.

Corey: Hi.

Patrick: So what did you do on vacation?

Corey: Um, I just stayed here. What did you do?

Patrick: I went to Florida.

Corey: Cool.

(LONG PAUSE)

Patrick: It's snowing.

Corey: (GIGGLE)

You get the idea. Pointless conversations but when I look at him smiling at me I just get so nervous! I love him but I think i MIGHT like Jake, Reese, and Brad. But not like I love Patrick. I want to talk to him but I get so nervous when I try to.

Guess what?? I got into Nobles- the school I want to go to.

I LOVE PATRICK AND... HE LOVES ME! He does! Ellen asked him!

Love

Corey

Well. Here's where it really begins. The true beginning of my love life, setting the stage for all that is to come. Obviously my standards for conversation were pretty minimal, as were my standards for actually connecting on level or, like, having a relationship. Oh, and by Patrick "asking me out" that DOES NOT MEAN A DATE. I'll give you the spoiler now. We never go on a date. NEVER. "Asking out" just means that now we... officially like each other? Get to have awkward public recess conversations? "love" each other? It's unclear what the exact rules are, but trust me, its FOR REAL.

A shout out to Diana for making this all happen... and making Patrick call me in what is surely the single most awkward phone call of my entire life. GOD I wish I had lived in a time where there were text messages. Soooo much easier. In fact, I don't think I'd have continued dating at all had text messages not come into my life. How could I possibly have a normal phone conversation with a potential boyfriend after THAT disaster?? Let's just say I'm still afraid of the phone. And I screen calls like a motherfucker.

Perhaps the most surprising part of the entry is that I also have suddenly developed feelings for THREE OTHER BOYS. I am such a commitment-phobe. WTF. I finally get the person I've been pining after for TWO WHOLE YEARS, and my first thought is that I also like three other people, one of whom is REESE, my friend Allison's boyfriend?!? Will I never be satisfied?? I think it's all making sense now... like, my whole life. I think I understand it all now. And I'm terrified.

Another shout out to Ellen for asking Patrick if he loves me. Which, thank god, he does. I mean, can't you tell? The love was deep, my friends. I actually think I miss the way you love when you're 12. It's a word that has a totally different meaning at that age then it does a decade or two later. Love was literally just the nervousness and excitement, the thrill. The singular focus. And as soon as Patrick and I make it official.... BOOM. He loves me.

There's something brewing here that has Deep Meaning, but I can't quite put my finger on it yet.

Separation Anxiety

January 30, 1995

Dear Bethany,

Hi! Nothing new here. On Saturday Diana and I went to Boston with Diana's Aunt Jessica, had our nails done (mine are brightish coral), had lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe and babysat for a third grader.

Then we were going to have a sleepover but I got that FEELING. I REALLY REALLY did not want to sleep there away from my mom and dad. =( So I lied and said I had a REALLY bad stomachache. It wasn't a total lie, I mean I've been having cramps and stuff. So then my mom picked me up. I was so happy and I like totally felt relieved, happy and relaxed. Oh Bethy, do I sound really pathetic and immature? I feel like it. I mean, I gotta be able to have a fuckin' sleep over. You know what's weird about it? At Sargent Camp and over vacations I don't get that FEELING. Weird huh?

Today was boring.

Love,

ME

God I remember this period of time where I suddenly developed some weird separation anxiety for like, a year. What is especially bizarre is that Diana lived literally a 90 second drive from my house. And her family was completely my second family. I should have been totally comfortable there but clearly something else was up. And god, how humiliating, as an 11 year old, to leave your best friend's house when you're supposed to LOVE sleepovers. They totally knew, too. I seem to remember Diana's mother commenting on it and asking me what was up. I had no explanation for it, but it happened quite a few times, and every time I had a mysterious "stomachache". God being this age sucks. The age when you are starting to become neurotic but you don't know WHY. These days I totally know where my neurosis come from. Makes it easier.

What was up with Hard Rock Cafe? Why was it the pinnacle of classiness for us? I remember this day with Diana's Aunt Jessica SO well. I remember what I wore (this was during an unfortunate stage where I liked wide legged silky pants. It was a thing. I believe I wore coral ones with white polka dots on this day. And surely a matching vest, cause that's just how I rocked it back then.) Getting a manicure was the height of maturity and Diana's Aunt Jessica was by far the coolest adult we knew (with the possible exception of our student teacher, Candace).

And what crazy parents let us babysit their third grader?? What third grader actually respects a couple of four foot tall 11 year olds??

It's WAY too confusing to explain to you.

January 26, 1995

Dear Bethy,

Hi! How's life? NORMAL! I mean really, could it be more boring? Let's see, Mr. M said my grades were dropping, that was a bit distracting. He said he was only telling me that 'cause he likes me. I guess I like him too but not THAT much. I mean, he can really get to me.

Evie and Mike broke up but it wasn't really official and its just been like, five days since they started so...

Another person that is not talking to one of her friends-- Piper is not taking to Evie. It's WAY too confusing to explain to you.

Georgia wore pigtails to school today. It looked really screwed but I'm not about to say that to her face.

Today when I was looking at myself in the mirror I noticed that I have a beautiful smile!

Love,

Corey

I wonder now if Mr. M actually told me about my grades because of how much he likes me or if thats just what he says to everyone. I think I take it to heart a little too much-- as if he is vying for my friendship and I'm going to have to turn the poor guy down cause, you know, i don't like him THAT much.

I also am shocked at the drama of sixth grade relationships. Everyone seems to be in a couple but as far as I know no one (really. NO ONE) actually speaks, touches, or goes on dates. So the getting together and breaking up is totally lacking actual cause and effect. Which is maybe why I'm so fascinated by it. Imagine a world where at any moment any two totally arbitrary people who have no interest in each other can suddenly decide to be in a committed relationship. It's thrilling, right?

I can't comment on the fact that I suddenly, while staring at my own reflection noticed by amazing beauty. So few things in this world are shocking, hilarious, humiliating and prideful all at once, but I think that one sentence pretty much covers every emotion I have access to.