Reflections on Four Square

April 3, 1995

Dear Bethany,

Hello. I'm going to try very hard to write every day, but it'll be hard. I'm also gonna try not to get so much into stories, but more into feelings.

So much has changed this year. "Fights" between my friends and I are lasting longer, often for a month or more, or they are eternal fights (Farryl) It's so unbelievably hard on me. So much to think about.

Allison: straight A's, beautiful, perfect.

Ellen: Totally ignoring me sometimes.

Diana: Just different.

Sometimes I feel like Kristen and Piper are the only people in the world I can trust.

Also, this may seem like a very trivial thing but at recess every one of my good friends play four square and I don't know how to. I feel so left out. My outfits are cool though. And that's important to me. I guess I should try to think of reasons to talk to my friends so they won't play four square, or ask Piper how to play it... yeah, I think I'll do that.

My mom's always on me these telling me how unorganized and not responsible I am. It's not true. I'm just not perfect like everyone else in the world. What's wrong with that? Sorry I'm not perfect like Allison.

Also, Ellen is just acting so much like she hates me or something. I don't get it! She said she wanted to have a P.T. (Private Talk) with me, but I guess not. I mean, when I pulled her aside at recess she seemed like all she wanted to do was get away from me and get back to her fucking game. Why am I SO not cool???

Also, this is gonna sound REALLY weird but sometimes for no reason at all I get this really messed up feeling and I grit my teeth and shut my mouth very tight, and then I don't know what happens but sometimes it makes me feel better, like more relaxed and stuff. Well I guess I'll go now.

Peace and Love,

Corey

First things first. When did PIPER become one of the only people I could trust?? For any of you reading loyally you'll remember that I spent approximately a gajillion entries talking about what a horrible bitch Piper is. I have no explanation for this, which I guess is a product of me trying to focus my journaling on "feelings" and not "stories".

Agh, this Four Square stuff. I remember it WELL although it makes me want to die a little inside reading about it so earnestly. Why is childhood like that?? I was similarly stressed out about volleyball on the beach in the summers. Like, you can't just not want to do the thing everyone elseis doing without being a HUGE loser. And four square... I mean, is that even something that you actually have to LEARN how to play?? Don't you just like, bounce a ball around or something?

That my redeeming feature is my cool outfits is not surprising. That is one of the best things I have to offer in general. Sadly, at twelve my outfits definitely were NOT cool, so that was a pretty inaccurate telling of my good qualities. sigh. why am i so not cool? I guess I'll never know.

I so rarely speak about my family at all that I get a little shock when I talk about my parents. The beginning of adolescence is happening. No denying it. There's some serious angst going on.

As for my jaw clenching issues.... ummm I feel like that is not a good sign for little Corey. Or for big Corey for that matter. Poor little stressed out Corey! Don't worry. I didn't develop an OCD although it sounds a little compulsive and scary.

Um, I think I'm officially depressed now.

That, and laughing at the memory of telling my friends I needed to have a "P.T." with them. Why were we so into abbreviations and hand gestures?? Did we not have a full grasp of the English language?? Did we struggle with basic communication?

I do enjoy the reflective tone at the beginning of the entry. Clearly I'm practically turning into a sensitive, mature young adult. um. yeah.