Scared of Sport, Guys, Bathing Suits

June 14, 1996

Hey there Beth! 

Diana can be so.... I don't know. Tightish. She's my best friend but she can just be so "say-one-thing-and-I'll-kill-you". You know what I mean? I'll say something and it like hits something in her brain or something and she just gets really mad. Not even really mad, just she screams. Sometimes I wish I  could tell her everything wrong with her, and she'd go fix it. 

There's a big all class pool party tomorrow! I can't wait. Well, fine. I'm a little nervous. I look good in a bathing suit. Diana AND my mom both say that. I guess what I'm really stressed about is the little issue of sports. I suck at volleyball and soccer, but what if no one else is bad at them and they all play and I look stupid because I'm NOT playing? Help! This could be very bad. On the other hand, maybe something interesting with guys could happen. Probably not to me though. Oh well. Talk to you later.

Peace and Love,
Corey

Sorry Diana. My unreasonable expectations for other people are finally catching up to you. And now I apparently want to just let you know everything I don't like about you, and then have you become a whole new person. Meanwhile, I am just a constant joy to be around.

Also what is this "screaming"? I don't remember Diana being particularly verbally abusive or anything. She wasn't like, constantly raging at me. Apparently, actually, she was mostly telling me how great I looked in a bathing suit. Sounds just terrible.

First pool party. Is there anything more anxiety inducing??

I Have An Amazing Personality. Seriously.

June 12, 1996

Dear Beth,

So I'm out of school finally. I mean I'm not saying the year was bad-- but it was a hell of a year! Just read through a few of my entries. Friends, grades, teachers, so much more. Adjustments are hard. Figuring out who you really are, what you really want to be. I still sort of wonder sometimes. I know what I want to be. I want people to say I have a passion for life, I really really really want to. I want to always be happy, helpful, diligent, fun optimistic. I am in some ways. At least I think so. A lot of other people think so too.  I know they do.

I can work on stuff, like how to treat people in my life. 

I think my personality could really do a lot for my life. 

So anyway, I'm totally psyched for summer. Who wouldn't be? I'm going to Bermuda soon. And then NH to do a theatre thing. I hope Brian, the one I was in The Sound of Music with, is in the theatre thing with me. I really think I might be in love with him. That probably sounds extreme but we're MADE for each other. 

-- Corey

Ah, I love it when Little Corey gets all deep. 

Also, who wants to be diligent??

And, are you as confused as I am about the sudden appearance of Love of My Life, Brian?? Because I have talked about Derek, Ned, and Joe this year... but this Brian dude is a mystery. He was an actor/dancer/singer I did musical theatre with and I think threw myself at eventually. 

And my personality has TOTALLY done SO MUCH for my life. So, that was a solid prediction for sure. 

Stop Trying to Be Deep, Penny!

May 5, 1996

To Bethany:

Ned and Nina are going out. It's okay though. I like Joe now. He is SO what I'm looking for. He's great! I hope we get together. Tess is working on it. Tess and I were just in a big fight that we resolved--what's new-- and I am beginning to get sooooo annoyed with Penny! She is trying to be something she's not. It's hard to explain but she's losing a lot of friends by doing it. But in some ways, that's her point. She tries to be deep-- as in like deep speeches. Ultra-feminist total individual. And by doing this she says stupid things that no one-- I repeat NO ONE in their right mind would ever agree with. I want to tell her but I know it won't help. It would just prove her point that she doesn't care what people think of her. Well, if that's what she wants I won't give her support, but I'll give her some amount of respect. 

--Corey 

What's great about 13 year old Corey is that she rebounds FAST. It's cool. Ned's now taken? Cool. I will move on to Joe! And also: Tess will make it HAPPEN. Who knew how much power she had??

I think it's so interesting how angry I get at Penny's "feminist" and "individual" views and opinions. I mean, I feel like even at 13, if anyone's feminist and individual its me. I wonder if I'm uncomfortable with Penny expressing some things I feel? Breaking the rules of middle school?

Or maybe she's just really annoying and trying to hard.

Corey is a Giant Hypocrite. But is Finally Also Right About Something.

April 30, 1996

Hey Bethany! 

Here at Nobles life is going great. I've made some REALY good friends with this girl I really like, Carissa. She's great. 
Ned and Derek are both good. 

Remember Penny? Smart, brown hair, talkative. She's changing. I can tell a lot about people. She is acting in some way that she finds funky. She used to babble a little and be sensitive and helpful and strong. Lately she's tried to be funny and more of an individualist. Everyone is thinking she is acting weird. She'll say really stupid things sometimes. I don't know how to stop her from changing herself. It seems mean to try. She shouldn't want to be what she's not. She tries to pretend she's spacey and always figuring people out, and she'll say stuff like "what is the definition anyway? Was it ever defined?" She'll "ponder" that, then she'll be like "Hmmm I'll think about that." She says she doesn't care what people think about her, but she tries to hang out with people like Nina and Tess. She's been clingy lately. I want to be with Carissa and Katie, and then she'll come along too. And she'll say some weirdo thing. I just don't understand. So many different kinds of people, why try to change your kind? 

Peace and Love,
Corey

Usually I disagree pretty vehemently with Little Corey, but in this instance I'm sort of like... yeah. That sounds pretty effing annoying actually. And yeah, it does sound like this chick is trying to BE someone deep and smart and to compensate for how uncomfortable middle school can be by pretending to "not care". Although I will say that Little Corey is a giant, giant hypocrite. Because lets be honest. Little Corey LOVES the idea of being deep and a "individualist". So you know, she may be right about this Penny chick, but come on. What I hated in Penny is DEFINITELY what I was insecure about in myself for SURE.

I AM SO TRANSPARENT.

I Want My Friends to be Happy.... Uh... Sort of

April 16,1996

Hey there Beth,

What's up? Not much here. Talked a lot to Ned today-- of course it was fun. Found out that Joe kind of likes Tess. Looks as though they may be an up and coming couple. Of course I'm happy but I don't want them to go out. I feel like Tess has it all. She has never had a boyfriend, but she might get the guy she wants. She has incredible grades and everyone has been (lately) talking about how pretty she is/will be. I mean, what about me? I want her to be happy, but not if it causes me a ton of jealousy. She will accidentally rub it in-- I know it. She's a great friend but I want to be a little like her. Did I mention how popular she is?? I guess I'm fairly popular and ok-looking, but you know. Oh well. 

Also Diana is getting a tiny bit bitchy. When I tell her good news she doesn't care and when I have bad news she will rub it in. She's my best friend, but I don't like her attitude. Sometimes she is great. But I can't deal with the other times. No one is perfect, but she is acting totally clueless lately. Talk about mood swings! 

Peace and Love,
Corey

What a surprise. I'm calling more of my friends bitchy.

And another surprise! I'm jealous of one of them.

Also why are people talking about how pretty she WILL BE? That's weird, right? Like, who is saying that exactly?? Adults? People our own age? Such a strange little distinction there.

I don't think Joe and Tess end up dating, but I might be wrong. I end up dating Joe in about a year. It's pretty exciting. Even though I'm only ok-looking.

Also it's driving me crazy that I keep calling myself "popular". It's just.... not true. At All. I was never, never remotely popular. Delusional, yes. Popular, no.

Sorry Tess and Diana. But if it makes you feel better I think everyone is bitchy and everyone makes me jealous. Soooo you're in good company.

I am SO MUCH LIKE JANE EYRE. Because of Our Prisons and Stuff.

The Fifith Journal: The Kissing Journal. Please note: On the inside page of this journal I have a running list of who these kissing children represent (ie: Me and Ned! Me and Joe! Me and Tim! etc.)

4/7/96

Hey Beth!
I have tons to look forward to-- especially the senior sixie dance! Ok I'm not gonna ramble about it-- although right now it's my whole life. I actually wanted to just talk deeply, express thoughts about things. 
I'm reading the book JANE EYRE. It shows so much about a trapped life. In my own way my life is trapped too. Jane speaks of liberty to do what she wants, as do I. She wants to be free of rules. I need to break away from my jail. The bars are people who i want to be friends with. I block myself in some odd way. I am caught in a strange sort of trap. I can escape and as we speak I slowly chisel the steel bars of popularity. When you are younger what you don't see is that once you escape trying to be popular, you become popular. As I grow out of my childhood jail, I can feel my own sort of freedom. When you stop worrying you feel confidence rise through your whole body. It shows, a little bit at a time. You stand up straighter, smile more, blush less, talk to people you barely know. I feel myself becoming who I am. As opposed to someone who will be whatever other people want me to be. I'm friends with so many people now, and it's good to know they are friends with Corey, and not the imprisoned child that lays inside me somewhere. 
I have so much ahead of me. No more "iron curtains". Just last week I was SO embarrassed about my terrible lacrosse playing, but I can't be good at everything-- and that's fine. Soon it will be over anyway. Next year I'll be an eighth grader, and eighth graders are what are scaring me this year, so next year nothing will scare me! I feel great. 
No one will ever understand my feelings, but that's fine. I can keep it inside. Inside my heart. That way it will stay there forever. But isn't it great to have freedom in your heart always?

Peace and Love,
Corey

Oh wow. Shit got deep here, guys. Um. If this is what I write in my journal about JANE EYRE, WTF did I write for an actual PAPER? I mean, those jail metaphors were SOLID.
I also love when I refer to my "childhood" over and over again. I'm 13. So... pretty solidly still in childhood I think.
Also, I'm so sad that I think my main thing to fear is eighth graders, and the certainty with which I believe that once I'm in eighth grade, I'll never be scared again.
Oh, Corey. That's so sweet. And so optimistic.
And why do I get the feeling that I legit quoted directly from JANE EYRE in this. Any English scholars out there recognize any plagiarizing???

Popular Kids Know How To Use Email!

3/18/96

Hey Bethy!

What's up? Today Mom and I went shopping for my room. I found some nice, antique beds. Mom said I could take over the guest room or the computer room (trade). I think I might actually move to the computer room. It would be SO much fun. I'm also thinking about getting a bed that is really low to the ground-- very modern. Mom isn't crazy about that, though-- not that it's her choice at all!! 

Today I got a few email messages from Nina. She's Tess's really good friend. I didn't think she liked me at all! But she does. She's helping me find out whether Ned likes me or not (they are good friends). She's telling me some of her secrets! She's very popular she's been writing other random notes to me-- I'm even on her mailing list now! She even suggested we do something this week. Does that rule or what?? She's so fun to be with. And now that I'm, like, best friends with Tess again, and I'm really close with Alice, Claudia, and Lily... I'm popular! I also have good friends in the "other" group, that are very cool!! I AM HAPPY!!

--Corey


What seventh grader in 1996 has a mailing list? And oh for the days when being on someone's mailing list was a GOOD thing.

But really. Mass emails?? About... what?? I mean, we weren't like, famous. We didn't have gigs or big announcements sooooo I assume her mass emails were about, like, math homework?

But okay. That's what the popular kids were doing. And now I'm one of them!!! Except, I'm not. I'm actually not positive if I maybe had like five minutes of popularity and then it changed, or if I just was never actually popular at all but SUPER delusional. I'm thinking the latter. I feel like being popular is something I would remember, right?

Also, I love my proclamation that what kind of bed I get isn't my mom's choice. Um. It's not like I'M paying for a bed with my 13-year-old Saturday night babysitting salary of like 4 bucks an hour. Soooo I'm pretty sure it IS kinda my mom's choice.

Minor parenting fail.