A Testament to how much I LOVE Father of the Bride

December 9,1995

Hey Beth!

Guess what? My brother has this cool girlfriend, Tess. She's really nice. It's like a dream come true. She's like nice to me and comes here and talks to me, has dinner with the family. Stuff that is always in books!! I hung around all night with my brother and Tess and made chocolate chip cookies and all of us talked and it was SO FUN.

Oh my god, the scariest thing that has EVER happened, happened to me today. Diana, my dad, her dad, and I were going to lunch and a movie. So we were driving on this street. We got into a little rut in the road and when we tried to get out of it the car did a 360 degree turn! The whole world was spinning! Then we crashed into this metal rail that, if it broke, it would have been a VERY steep drop. Diana and I started crying and holding hands. Her dad felt so bad. His bumper fell off! It was disappointing though, because I REALLY wanted to see Father of the Bride Two. Oh well.

I can't WAIT until Christmas. My top choices are: a chameleon, a unicycle, and a stereo. I'm SURE I'll get one of them! YES!

See ya!

Cor

Yeah you read that right. The car crash I got into with my best friend and our dads was "disappointing" because it made me miss Father of the Bride TWO.

I also wonder what books I am reading that involve your older brother's girlfriend hanging out and making cookies. I guess I had not started reading my angsty books yet. Also, I love that I compare it to a book and not a movie. 'Cause I am so that girl.

And of course, the Christmas list. I never, ever, managed to have a normal-person Christmas list. I mean, a chameleon and a unicycle???

Um, I got the unicycle, and taught myself to ride it in our basement.

Let's just call it "quirky".

In Which I Use the Word Grody Unironically.

December 8, 1995

Bethy,

Guess what? I didn't see Derek Friday last week, this weekend, or ALL this week. He was absent until today and I just didn't see him today-- how sad! My NoblesNet password is "Here", symbolic of Derek being in school again today. I don't want to forget it, I've been changing my passwords a lot lately.

I saw Patrick yesterday and today. Grody!! I hate him soooo much. He's just disgusting. And he looks at me, too (ok, fine, so I look at him....)

I really like these guys: Trevor, Ned, Josh and, of course DEREK!! (no shit, Sherlock). They're all pretty cute, though.

Tess and Hayeley are both a bit bitchy sometimes. They fight a lot- I'm kind of in the middle. Each one expects me to agree with them. I don't know! help!

Ta-ta!

Corey

Things to think about:

1. I seem to have developed a rather severe ADD. That's concerning.

2. NoblesNet. My high school's own little 90s internet system. I just like the mention of it in here. It's so adorable. And my password was Here. Here. Because you know, in the 90s you could have a four-word, no numbers or symbols password. NOSTALGIA.

3. The word grody. Which I seem to have used un-ironically.

4. The fact that I already think my ex-boyfriend is "grody". This is surprising only if you have not met me.

5. Of the guys I list in this entry as guys I like, I ended up dating two of the four of them. I think those are some solid odds.

6. How did I know that Derek was out of school for a few days? He's a senior and I'm a seventh grader. Did I ask around?? Was I legitimately stalking him? It's possible I was even crazier than I thought.

Corey's First Breakup. Goodbye, Patrick.

November 27, 1995

Bethany,

This has been the worst day of my life! I'm not exaggerating! I guess you should know the big news. PATRICK DUMPED ME!!!!

I was kinda thinking along the lines of me dumping him-- I guess not! It was sad. I have to realize it now-- have to let it settle in. It refuses to. I guess on top of all that, the fact I got bad grades on EVERYTHING and cried in school about the C+ on my To Kill A Mockingbird paper that I worked really hard on, it had a huge impact on me, and leaves an empty feeling in my stomach.

I can so clearly remember when I gave him a valentine day with hearts all over it and messages like "P+C=true love forever" and he gave me a valentine with hearts on it. The first note he gave me that said "LOVE, Patrick." The best day of my life was the day he asked me out. I used to love him. I don't anymore. But it hurts. It hurts to have your first "true love", your first boyfriend bumped out of your life. There's a big hole in my stomach, waiting for me to cry. Should I feel free or sad? Does this mean I'm really ugly? An idiot? WHY did he dump me? I need someone to give me a big hug and rock me back and forth and tell me its okay. I need a friend here. I'm too alone.

What should I do? WHY am i not crying? Aren't I supposed to? Is life going to be different? I NEED A FRIEND! Someone HAS to help me!

I HOPE it's a better day tomorrow. I'm NOT exaggerating when I say this is the worst day of my life!!!

-Corey

Awwww my first break up. What amuses me most of all here is that I explain every detail of every day of my little life, EXCEPT explaining like, HOW Patrick actually dumped me. Did he call? I mean, I assume it was a phone call but I want to know exactly what he said and what I said! Why, after all this time of being so detailed, would I now suddenly skimp on details?

It's actually a sad thing-- like those moments are lost .Which I know is normal for everyone else, but when you have almost 20 years of journals, it's actually unusual to not have a record of the Big Moments.

And this is one of the Big Ones. Right? Right? Except for the not crying thing. Which I guess soooooort of undermines the whole thing.

Besides, twelve-year-old Corey is too obsessed with eighteen-year-old Derek and his many high-fives and "hi there"s in school to really care about Patrick, my "first true love" dumping me.

Still, end of an era. Patrick has been the main focus of my journals since they began in 1993. MILESTONE.

Journal Number 4: More Cats

Yep. this is journal number four. I really, really liked cats. Like, a lot.

So onto the first entry in the SECOND cat journal.

November 20, 1995

Bethy!!

Oh my god!! Today was the best day of my life! I didn't have Spanish, Latin I had a test which I felt pretty good about. English was fun. Science was okay. Arts was Awesome! Growth Ed was, um, well, Growth Ed-ish. Math we played Jeopardy. Then I was out of school and GUESS what I did at lunch. I asked Derek to the senior-sixie dance. And he was SO COOL. He did a "victory run" around Gleason Hall. He danced around and joked around and said it totally made his day. I was SO touched. He is the coolest guy on earth!! How VERY exciting.

Also, I had almost no homework and to top it all off, 15 minutes ago, Patrick called. I was sooooo surprised. He sounded so cute. The only thing is, since it was getting sort of uncomfortable I said I was "kinda in the middle of something" and maybe it was my imagination but he sounded kinda mad/sad. So tomorrow Diana is gonna tell him how sorry I was but my mom and I were in a fight and she was screaming at me to get off the phone (not true but it sounds awesome). I felt SO bad though. He really did seem upset. Oh well. It's (hopefully) not anything big. It's probably not very important. I was thinking maybe it had to do with, like, he wanted to tell me something (like "I love you"-- I wish) and I didn't give him the chance. oops! That would be very bad. I would KILL myself if that was the case. I won't worry though. It was probably nothing. And if it was important, Diana will find out. from him and tell me. Maybe he hates me for being a dull conversationalist. DON'T WORRY COREY.

Maybe I don't care. I think I do. Am I supposed to be SURE about this kind of thing?

I like Derek-- but in a different way!! He rules!

Peace and Love,

Corey

A short and disturbing explanation about who Derek is and what the "senior-sixie" dance is. The Senior-Sixie dance (which i'm sure no longer exists) was an event at school where Seniors and Seventh graders go as dates and hang out together all night. Unfortunately, as seventh graders got more and more promiscuous, the okay-ness of this event went downhill and by the time I was a senior, I'm pretty sure it no longer existed. (or no one asked me, which I find impossible to believe. I was the only senior in the seventh-graders height range!)

So Derek, an eighteen-year-old senior becomes my number one interest for the rest of seventh grade, and he gives me more attention than my "boyfriend" ever did.

And, spoiler alert, Patrick dumps me a week after this journal entry. Which begs the question-- did he intend to dump me during this phone call? Or was that phone call his last attempt at having a real relationship with me, a test I obviously failed? Is it fucked up that I'm still kind of agonizing over this very question?

WHAT WAS THAT PHONE CALL? WHAT DID IT MEAN? Please weigh in on whether this was a last-ditch effort to save our "relationship" or if this was Patrick's failed first attempt to dump me. 28-year-old Corey is still dying to know.

I SHOULD be popular, and other musings.

November 8, 1995

Dear Bethany,

Did you ever notice that once a person is popular enough the don't really care about anyone else. They forget who they were and concentrate on who they are. Did you ever notice that when someone is popular enough they control you. They play with your feelings. Almost as if they're playing tennis and your heart is the tennis ball. They don't care what they do to you-- as long as your response back works for them.

Did you ever notice how you are never the one in charge. Everyone cares about the popular one-- but no one gives a shit about you. The popular one's friend-- the sidekick. Never the first. The second.

Ever notice that when you say something funny no one laughs but when someone loved by everyone says the same thing ten seconds later, the class is in hysterics, like they said it better. Why is that? Is it that people don't care about the way you think? Or are you just a play thing, a joke.

You're a nice starting place, a home base. But never the real friend. You're ALWAYS the one the popular can turn to if no one else is around... and you can count on them to be there when you're overdue for some insults.

Ever notice that no one cares about your feelings?

Have you ever noticed that no one notices?

SUCH an annoying day. EVERYONE, including Hayley, was dissing me so bad and everyone else laughed and NO ONE stood up for me. WHY AM I NOT AS POPULAR AS HAYLIE AND KATIE?

I have tons of friends, but I don't have any popularity. I have some problem. Everyone is against me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Peace (kinda) and Love (I don't have any),

Corey

Has there ever been a more quintessential middle school moment than expressing, at long last, the thought: "Everyone is against me"? I have no memory of writing this entry, although judging from the language and sentiment, it sounds like one of the worst days of my entire life, thus far.

I like that this is written as more of an essay than a journal entry. There's such an obviously strong desire for this to be SMART, and that's what I love-hate about 12-year-old Corey. She so badly wants to be smart and articulate and artsy and dramatic. She gives in to the angst.

And to be fair, it WAS totally unfair that Hayley ended up being more popular than me. Yes, I wore multi-colored vests and a total lack of social finesse, but Hayley was no beauty queen or genius or charmer. She was just a girl who knew that being mean and putting someone else down was a great way to get ahead. I could be a total bitch one-on-one, and pretty effing high maintenance, but I was never mean to anyone in a crowd.

And that, I'm pretty sure, is the dividing line between popular and unpopular.

As for my journal entry: I know I'm not the first person to use a tennis match as a metaphor for my feelings, but I applaud the effort.

Don't worry little Corey. Everyone secretly thinks Hayley is annoying, and in sixteen years you won't remember this day anyways.

Why Do I Speak in 1950s Cliches?

November 7, 1995

Bethy,

I had another gold star day! Actually, not totally but more one thing in particular:

STORY TIME

Over the weekend Diana and I devised a plan. I gave Diana a picture of me. She would give it to Patrick, saying that I gave it to her and that she was being nice by letting him keep it.

She did this today and when he said it he was like, "Cool." And then she said, "You owe me," and he said "Yep."

And she said "You should give me lots of thanx." And he said "Yep." And she said "You need to give her your picture." And he said "Yeah-- wait no!" THEN (this is the awesome part) He walked to his locker and said "Darn, I forgot my wallet"-- meaning he would put my picture IN HIS WALLET! Is that not the TOPS in terms of sweetness? I am SO incredibly in love with that boy. He is Mr. Awesome. The right guy for me. All the way.

Only bad thing: tomorrow I have voice lessons with GROSS GIRL. I hate her so much!!! She is so bitchy!!! Why is she an asshole? She treats me like I'm two years old for starters. Plus she is ugly and sucky. I really dislike her (uh, duh). SO annoying.

Peace and Love,

Corey

PS: Patrick and I will have been going out for eight months as of Monday!

So this may explain my vocabulary choices: During this period of time I watched a LOT of Brady Bunch. Sooo I guess that had some kind of influence on my speech patterns. Which... may also explain why I sort of never progressed beyond "She's OK" on the popularity totem pole. Also: spoiler alert-- Patrick and I break up within a month of this entry so... this genius plan with Diana was perhaps not as WILDLY SUCCESSFUL as I seemed to think it was.

Also: my expectations for awesome romantic moments seemed to be STAGGERINGLY low, even for a 12 year old.

Lastly, I do end up totally abandoning my singing, which I'm starting to think might have had something to do with this god awful ("Gross Girl") voice teacher. Kinda makes me sad, seeing how the unraveling of a passion actually happens.

Consider this my unofficial endorsement of the great teachers, and my admonishment of the ones who kinda screw you up when you're little.

What A "Good Day" Looked like for 12 yr-old Corey

November 6, 1995

Beth-

HOLA!

THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!

Classes were OK, good hot cocoa, fun working with Tim in Spanish (cute, funny guy). awesome field hockey practice. Found out Mary and Kelly have "gone home" (in other words have HAD SEX!) Geez, they're 13! That's worse than Susan at camp!

Also, it was fun to be hyper after practice. I didn't have any homework and best of all, Lynn, my best friend from camp, is coming for the weekend of the 17th! I got to talk to her and she was excited to talk to me and was really happy 'bout coming here! I personally can't wait 'til then. Oh! Also, I got Kraft mac and cheese for dinner and changed my room so that it has more space. YES! Very exciting.

Oh! And also I got to show off the cool pads of paper I got at Different Drummer. The only bad thing was EVERYONE made fun of what I thought was the coolest outfit that I used to wear all the time. It's just rather colorful. Nothing wrong with that. Pretty funky colors-- blue clogs, purple tights, turquoise corderoy wrap skort, periwinkle shirt and all the colors mention in a vest on top. And a pink headband. I thought it was ultra-chic.

Love,

Corey

I think it is finally possible that I have crossed over from obnoxious and annoying to just plain sad and oblivious. How was this the best day of my life?? Wouldn't the best day of my life include NOT being made fun of all day for my clothing??

Reading these I start to feel like a nine-year-old in school with a bunch of sixteen-year-olds. I'm in this weird period of time that I think lasts just a year or two, where I'm just YOUNGER than everyone else. I haven't yet caught on to the nuances of social life, I still believe I will be thought of as cool because of my new notebooks. I still prize Kraft Mac and Cheese over actual popularity. And I'm still wearing skorts and vests. Sigh.

Can't I tell, from the 13 year-olds having sex, that I am BEHIND THE TIMES??

I think we all know what's coming...