Christmas List. In October. Oh, and I dumped this Ronald Dude.

October 3, 1995

Dear Beth,

I CAN'T BELIEVE I ALMOST DUMPED PATRICK!

Ronald turned out to be kinda annoying. Oh well. I said yes to him Wednesday. And then dumped him Sunday night.

I cut my hair Saturday. It looks pretty.

Christmas Lists:

Things to Get Diana:

-Candy

-keychains

-big panda

-t-shirt

-fruit drink recipes

Things to get Dad:

- t-shirt

-baseball book or video

-Funny OJ Book

Things to get Andy:

-Mighty Bostones something

-running something

THINGS I WANT:

-chameleon

-unicycle

-big boom box

-digital radio

-pens

-journals

-subscription to Merlyn's Pen

-COOL baseball hat

-clothes

-gift certificates

-candy

-trolley

-money to make a picture-calender

-hippo stuff

-nail polish and makeup

-LOTS MORE

I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL CHRISTMAS!

Peace and Love,

Corey

Poor Ronald. Doesn't even get a whole journal entry about me dumping him. Totally overshadowed by... my love of Christmas. Even though it's OCTOBER. ouch.

Although my list of presents I want is bizarre in general, I first of all need to address the request for a TROLLEY. Is this a misspelling of something? Did I mean trolls? Or was this some kind of crazy Corey-Idea? Was it a toy trolley? A trolley ride? Some sort of crazy circuis device?

• In related circus news, I DID get a unicycle that Christmas. And spent about a year trying to learn how to ride it in my basement. Did any other 12 year old girls ask for this kind of thing for Christmas??

Also: what is a "digital" radio? Weren't all radios "digital" by the mid-90s? How old AM i??

Lastly...

Why did Diana want fruit drink recipes? or more importantly, why did i THINK this would be something she would want?

I'm sad for little Corey. I think she's behind the times still. At her fancy new prep school and she still wants "hippos stuff" and a unicycle and PENS. I mean, props for the nailpolish and makeup request, but it's not enough to elevate that list to actually cool. SIGH.

Testing out Boyfriends

September 26, 1995

Dear Bethy,

Well, I said I'd wait until someone asked me out to dump Patrick. Here's my chance. This guy named Ronald asked me out today. Actually, Mina asked me out FOR him, but that's okay. I'm gonna say yes. I'm just nervous about dumping Patrick. I at least want to see him Friday without dumping him. If something great happens I'll dump Ronald. If not I'll dump Patrick. OH BOY my life is confusing!! Oh well. I guess

I have to see what kind of relationship I'm looking at with Ronald. If it's a shy conversation thing like at elementary school. Or if its talk, call each other, etc. like lots of people at my new school. That'll help me figure this all out!

Here is a try at a goodbye letter to Patrick:

Dear Patrick,

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I don't really think its really going to work out for us to be in totally separate schools and totally separate lives and still go out. I'm really sorry. I hope we can still be friends. See you at Youth Group!

Peace and Love,

Corey

How does that sound?? Too cheesy?? Oh well. I'll have to think about it.

P&L,

Corey

Corey Haydu: avoiding conflict at all costs since 1995.

Poor Patrick. I'm sure he'll be devastated. IF he knows we are actually still together. Probably not. And lucky Ronald! He sure is getting a super-great girlfriend. Has anyone ever been less enthusiastic about a new boyfriend? "Uh, I guess I'll date Ronald until I see what he has to offer. If its better than what I'm getting from Patrick, great. If not, that's cool. I have a back up."

My superior morality is to be admired. As is my note-writing and conflict-avoiding abilities.

Sweet.

There's not much else to say here...

The Rachel and other terrible haircuts

September 24, 1995

Bethy--

Mom said I could do whatever I want with my hair!!! I think I'll perm it. Or do something like this:

(INSERT PICTURE OF THE RACHEL HERE)

Isn''t that awesome?? I'm soooo excited! She's gonna get an appointment with my hair stylist, Julie, for next weekend. So I can talk with her about what would look good on me!! I'm hoping Jullie will have one of those computer things where it takes a picture then shows you yourself with all different hairstyles. All my friends were really jealous 'cause none of their moms would EVER let them do anything interesting with their hair.

I wonder what Patrick will think? I don't know if I care. I've been thinking about maybe dumping him. Maybe I'll just wait until someone else asks me out!

Peace and Love,

Corey

Ah, The Rachel. The haircut tailor made for your average awkward twelve year old girl.

Oh wait.

Yeah that looked like shit. But at least she didn't let me get the perm I thought I wanted. (and by she I mean my hairdresser, not my mother. My mother really was letting me do whatever i wanted. Clearly my judgment had proven to be impeccable)

I wonder where I got the idea of this computer thing? It sounds like somehting from the movie "Clueless" but I'm not sure that movie existed yet. Or if I'd seen it. Or if I heard about it in some crappy Teen Magazine. Or if maybe I was just so completely deranged that I came up with that shit myself.

In any case, I'm pretty sure in 1995 your average suburban hair salon wasn't using advanced technology to help 12 year olds decide whether or not to perm their hair. It's like half of me thought it was the 80s and the other half was pretty convinced I was in some futuristic flying cars Jetsons-type world.

As for my sudden desire to "dump" my "boyfriend" "Patrick"... I wonder if he even know that we were still "together" at this point. By my calculations the last time I saw Patrick was in May. It is now September. We have not spoken, seen each other, or in any way ackowledged each other's existence.

But oh well, I'm such hot shit I'm sure someone else is thisclose to asking me out. 'Cause I am going to KICK ASS at my new private school.

Or something.

Home Base. Which I Probably Don't Actually Know the Meaning of.

July 24, 1995

Dear Beth,

Well its my second day at camp. Actually its the beginning of the first FULL day here at Lochearn Camp for Girls. It's great here. Tiny (but cozy) cabin, 8 of us (incuding our counselor Skip). Actually, Skip is awesome. So is just about everyone here. Sue is kinda talkative and can be nice but sometimes she acts really sucky. Susan really gets to me though.

July 25, 1995

Dear Bethy,

Hi! Camp is good. All Mo's little friends are here talking about second base and they asked what base I've been to with Patrick. I haven't even gotten a peck on the cheek, I barely talk to him and I never have held his hand. It's depressing. I feel really immature. I used to feel all "cool" but now I feel like I SHOULD make out, etc.

No I don't want to go to "home base" before I get married but I'd ike to say "I've gone to second base" I'd like to- but I don't want it to really happen. Oh well! life is screwed.

Peace and Love,

Corey

Oh. Oh no. Not little Corey talking about no sex until marriage. nooooo.

To be fair, who knows what I think sex actually IS at this point. I mean, I'm still using baseball euphemisms so clearly I am not 100 percent informed.

Also, here is the moment when it becomes clear that my "boyfriend" Patrick is not really gonna cut it as a boyfriend. I mean, if you can't brag at camp about going to second base.... what is the point of even HAVING a boyfriend?

Life lessons from Lochearn Camp for Girls.

Oh and yes, Life is Screwed. Glad I learned that shit early on.

Oh No. A Depressing Entry.

July 12, 1995

Dear Bethany,

Here I am again to tell the story of my pathetically lame life! First of all, Jessie the official Ms. Bitch of the year: she's made at me and Alice for absolutely no particular reason. Alice is so guilt-taken. She feels really made about it. She reminds me the tiniest bit of Ellen-- the way she won't be mad at someone.

I mean, I guess I feel bad about it. Whatever, I do. Now Jessie makes up with Alice and not me. What the fuck is her problemo.

Peace and Love

(well my life is war and hate...)

Corey

later today:

Jessie and I made up but I'm still kind P.O.ed at her (no particular reason).

Even Later Today:

Beth- Hi it's me again. Everyone (meaning Jessie, Alice, Kim, Kim's mom and Kim's friend Lauren) went to Blueberry Island by canoe. I'm stuck here all by myself 'cause I couldn't reach my mom to ask if I could go with them. None of my OBNOXIOUS friends stayed here with me. I know if one of MY friends had the same problem I'D stay with them and I'm NOT just saying that. I have real feelings I consider myself a true blue friend to anyone. No I'm not bragging I'm just REALLY MAD/SAD.

I was just going through my journal and I realized what hard times I've had. Does this happen to everyone? I'm like some little taregt of God...if I believe in him which I'm not so certain about now. I need help but I have no one to turn to. I need some voice to tell me what to do and how to act. I hate my life. No not that bad. I just get such weird feelings. Like, when I'm at a sleepover I don't like, have a good feeling (when I'm trying to go to sleep) I always "want my mommy". Does anyone else feel this way? I'm just a loner I guess. How will I survive at camp? I'll learn when the time comes... I hope!

P&L,

Corey

Part one of this entry made me laugh. But now that I have finished typing it out I kiiiinda want to cry.

I have no actual comprehension of what this alleged fight with me and Jessie and Alice was. Presumably something inane and tiny that I will forget entirely about by the next entry. But the loneliness is tragic. Clearly I have a melodrama problem (the questioning of god, the assertion that my life comes down to "war and hate"). But the image of deserted Little Corey on the beach while everyone else goes canoeing.... heartbreaking. I may need to do another post immediately in the hopes that Little Corey will be uproariously funny again instead of prozac-worthy.

Everyone is a bitch but me.

July 10, 1995

Dear Bethany,

Hello. Sorry I haven't written for so long. I've been busy. Well not really actually I just didn't really feel like writing. I talked to Patrick again. He said he'd miss me! Isn't that sweet? Yeah I think so too. Ellen and Diana and all the other girls were being totally bitchy freakoids about it. Ellen kept making little kisses in the air... a little "signal" to him. (fine, I wouldn't have really minded but he was sooooo embarassed.) I was really mad at them. Well not like, fight mad but mad enough to smile while sighing and tsk-tsk-ing.

Now I'm in NH. Everyone here, including Jessie, my favorite girl Oh JOY! OH RAPTURE! I am so ecstatic I'm jumping up and down... NOT!!!! Actually she's not as asshole-y as last year. Except now she and Kim have started a little "clique". Very annoying if you know what I mean. So Alice and I have been "hanging" together.

You are probably wonder who the the hell some of these people are so here we go:

Jessie: As I have already stated she is kind of bratty. SHe is USUALLY ok on a one-on-one basis. But in a group, well, she's very competitive and sshe never stops swearing. Supposedly she's very into "fashion" which personally I don't believe in. I think fashion is whatever YOU like.

TTFN

Corey

Up on my high horse again and growing a sarcastic attitude that would put my current self to shame.

Some thoughts:

- it is easy to dismiss fashion when your parents let you walk out of the house in patterned vests and cordoroy turquoise skorts.

- forcing someone to kiss you is not sexy.

-having your friends try to force someone to kiss you is even less sexy.

- a journal cannot talk back, no matter how conversationally you address it.

- you will inevitably become best friends with whichever person you hate the most... watch out.

Life lessons from 1995.

12 Year Old Corey Goes Bat Shit Crazy.

May 16, 1995

Beth,

Well here's a story for you:

I walked into Youth Group today and we were all sitting around talking and someone said something like they were talking about me or something. So I tried to get it out of Ellen and Alicia and Scott. Finally I got it out of Alicia and Ellen. They told me Patrick really liked me a lot and all but he didn't like going out. He doesn't want to dump me though cause then I will think he doesn't like me and I'll hate him. I'm kinda upset but not really cause Ellen and Alicia said he's not going to dump me. So I called Diana to talk to her about it and here's the conversation:

Corey: Hi Diana

Diana: Hi.

Corey: Why would someone not like going out?

D: Maybe they think its stupid or something.

C: Oh.

D: Did Ellen tell you something?

C: Yeah. Ellen and Alicia.

D: Alicia knows? Are we talking about the same thing?

C: Dunno, what are you talking about?

D: I can't tell you because Ellen and I said we wouldn't tell you cause you might--- gotta go I'll call you later. Bye!

Then she hung up. So now I'm waiting for her to call back. I'm so nervous my stomach is turning somersaults cause I think we were talking about totally different things!!! I AM SOOOOO NERVOUS. CALL BACK DIANA! BETH I'M GOING TO DIE IF I DON"T FIND OUT WHAT THE FUCK DIANA CAN'T TELL ME!!!!!!!

This is the most nerve-wrecking situation I've ever been in. Fine- I'm exaggerating but so what??? I'm going to have a nervous breakdown right here on my bed. Is it bad? Good? Neutral? Important? What is it anyway? I'm literally shaking and my stomach is seriously going berzerk, haywire! I can't think of any more words that mean crazy but I think you catch my drift. Get the point. Get the picture. Get it. I can't think of any more phrases that mean understand but I don't think I need to go any further, continue, spell it out for you. Look at me, I'm babbling on and on. I always do when I get nervous. Bethany... why hasn't she called? If she doesn't call soon there will be a murder. Specifically, Diana's.

I better go.

Corey

What's amazing about this entry is that there is no follow up where I reveal the exciting conclusion of this story. Actually, what is actually amazing about this entry is that I managed to somehow interact in a somewhat normal way with people even though I was so clearly a complete psychopath. As concerned as I often am about little Corey's sanity-- this time I'm actually wondering if I needed to be medicated. Or sedated.

At first I thought my friends were being bitches by keeping it a secret from me that Patrick wanted to break up. But after taking a second (much more evolved and adult) look, I realized they were actually looking out for my best interests and trying to not hurt me. Crap. I guess I really was the evil whore of the group.

I'm upset about this one though. Because Patrick and I do NOT break up, and I never seem to reference his ambivalence again. But.... was it all a lie?? Did he ever even like me? Was he just waiting it out?

Sigh. Relationships are hard.