12 Year Old Corey Goes Bat Shit Crazy.

May 16, 1995

Beth,

Well here's a story for you:

I walked into Youth Group today and we were all sitting around talking and someone said something like they were talking about me or something. So I tried to get it out of Ellen and Alicia and Scott. Finally I got it out of Alicia and Ellen. They told me Patrick really liked me a lot and all but he didn't like going out. He doesn't want to dump me though cause then I will think he doesn't like me and I'll hate him. I'm kinda upset but not really cause Ellen and Alicia said he's not going to dump me. So I called Diana to talk to her about it and here's the conversation:

Corey: Hi Diana

Diana: Hi.

Corey: Why would someone not like going out?

D: Maybe they think its stupid or something.

C: Oh.

D: Did Ellen tell you something?

C: Yeah. Ellen and Alicia.

D: Alicia knows? Are we talking about the same thing?

C: Dunno, what are you talking about?

D: I can't tell you because Ellen and I said we wouldn't tell you cause you might--- gotta go I'll call you later. Bye!

Then she hung up. So now I'm waiting for her to call back. I'm so nervous my stomach is turning somersaults cause I think we were talking about totally different things!!! I AM SOOOOO NERVOUS. CALL BACK DIANA! BETH I'M GOING TO DIE IF I DON"T FIND OUT WHAT THE FUCK DIANA CAN'T TELL ME!!!!!!!

This is the most nerve-wrecking situation I've ever been in. Fine- I'm exaggerating but so what??? I'm going to have a nervous breakdown right here on my bed. Is it bad? Good? Neutral? Important? What is it anyway? I'm literally shaking and my stomach is seriously going berzerk, haywire! I can't think of any more words that mean crazy but I think you catch my drift. Get the point. Get the picture. Get it. I can't think of any more phrases that mean understand but I don't think I need to go any further, continue, spell it out for you. Look at me, I'm babbling on and on. I always do when I get nervous. Bethany... why hasn't she called? If she doesn't call soon there will be a murder. Specifically, Diana's.

I better go.

Corey

What's amazing about this entry is that there is no follow up where I reveal the exciting conclusion of this story. Actually, what is actually amazing about this entry is that I managed to somehow interact in a somewhat normal way with people even though I was so clearly a complete psychopath. As concerned as I often am about little Corey's sanity-- this time I'm actually wondering if I needed to be medicated. Or sedated.

At first I thought my friends were being bitches by keeping it a secret from me that Patrick wanted to break up. But after taking a second (much more evolved and adult) look, I realized they were actually looking out for my best interests and trying to not hurt me. Crap. I guess I really was the evil whore of the group.

I'm upset about this one though. Because Patrick and I do NOT break up, and I never seem to reference his ambivalence again. But.... was it all a lie?? Did he ever even like me? Was he just waiting it out?

Sigh. Relationships are hard.