Best Use of Curse Words

January 24, 1995

Dear Bethy,

Well, I got the letter from Farryl. Pathetic. Always saying " I don't need time, Corey Ann" "I won't regret this, Corey Ann" I wonder if she thinks she makes a point by using my full name? I don't know. I wonder. You know, after this letter, I've come to the conclusion I don't even want to be her friend anymore. I think real true friends would always realize the other person makes mistakes. And you know what? I don't think I made a mistake by writing Farryl that letter, I meant ever word. It was the right thing to do. SHE'S A FUCKING BITCHY BRAT AND SHE KNOWS IT!!!

Anyway, enough about Farryl, even though that's my life right now.

Also, Ellen and I decided we're doing something together for the 6th grade talent show. She's going to play the piano while I sing "A Whole New World".

You know, I never told you but in December I was in a play called Amahl and the Night Visitors. I was Amahl, a 12 year old crippled boy! It was sooooo much fun. And I got paid $150- Nice deal!

Love,

Corey

It must be nice to never be at fault. I'm so glad I've come around to NOT being sorry at ALL about the condescending, evil note I took it upon myself to write. I mean, if I find someone bitchy for no apparent reason I should DEFINITELY lay it all out and describe their faults, just for the betterment of humanity. It's actually selfless. Generous. I was being NICE. How dare she use my full name in response??

...It actually sounds like I got off pretty easy given how horrible I was. I remember this being so upsetting and destroying me, but in reality I feel like Farryl didn't really fight back too hard. She basically said what everyone else should have said at that point: I don't want you in my life.

My use of cursing still leaves something to be desired. I respect the effort, but 27 year old Corey sounds way less awkward when swearing like a sailor. I'll grow into it I guess. "Fucking bitchy brat" just doesn't roll off the tongue easily enough.

I Want A Secret Admirer.

January 23, 1995

Dear Beth,

Allison came over today. We did out homework and then we called our friends, asked them questions about the other person, and the person we were asking questions to wouldn't know we were on the other line. For instance:

Allison and Reese are going out. Kristen LIKES Reese though, even though he's going out with Allison. Si she wrote him a secret admirer note. Unfortunately Allison (Who Kristen and I didn't want to find out) saw us giving the note and was immediately curious. So she kept asking about the note. Finally she guessed it was Kristen, and that it was an admirer note. When she guessed I couldn't keep it in any longer. So I told her what was left of the story and she got sooooo pissed at Kristen. Kristen found out that Allison knew even though she doesn't think I have anything to do with it. Consequently, they're in a fight.

Now you probably guessed that Allison and I called Kristen. I asked Kristen all these questions about Reese and Allison while Allison listened in. Then Allison called Farryl and asked her questions about me. Farrul said I was a bitch. Also, I wrote her a note saying "hmmm. what should I say? Nothing. Nothing can describe how sorry I am." and then ended with "Write back". Farryl was telling Allison about the note she wrote to me. It says stuff like "'hmmm. What should I say? Nothing. Nothing can describe how much I hate you." and "Don't bother writing back". I guess I await my fate tomorrow.

Oh well. I can live without Farryl. I meant what I said in my letter. She's a Vain Snobby Brat!

Love,

Corey

I feel like this phone call deal has become a little bit of a cliche, but it still is appalling to me. It's INVITING drama in, and its fascinating. We call the most controversial figures in our lives and make them say horrible things about us. For what purpose? To make the fight worse? To feed our anger? Because our lives are so boring that we have to constantly stir the pot??

Poor Kristen. She doesn't stand a chance against Allison's wrath and by enormous need to be a bitch. I fear for what happens to her next. Why did she write a secret admirer note?? why?? Do we learn these things in movies and think they are ok for real life? Is it result-oriented, or is just the giving of the note cathartic? Do secret admirer notes exist in real life? I invite any and all secret admirers to send notes my way. I like the ridiculous, naive frivolity of the gesture.

Of course I told Allison. Of COURSE Kristen doesn't think it has anything to do with me. Do these people never learn? Have I given them any reason to think I am trustworthy? How do I have them all fooled? Is it the tiny-ness? The blonde hair? The dimple??

I commend Farryl for standing up to me. I also commend her for making fun of my letter in all its pretentious glory. We throw words like "hate" around so freely. I can't think of a time I've told a friend (un-ironically) that I HATE them. It's committing to a feeling that is so strong... I think as adults we learn that these things shift.

And of course, I come out on top. After apologizing for the letter and realizing my sins, I go back to my original sentiment (capitalizations and all).

The Plot to Kill Kristen.

January 21, 1995

Dear Bethany,

Hi! No, Farryl hasn't forgiven me, even though I wrote her yet another apology letter. But this was (I thought) written much better.

Oh, by the way, I re-decorated my closet You know, painted the shelves. It looks SO COOL. Like one shelf has a sun and a moon. One has a rainbow, one is lots of stickers and one is all my friends signing in.

Diana wrote: "To Cor, I'm in front cause I'm the your best of friends. Pretty cool closet and many more."

Allison wrote: "Corey, I hope Kristen dies." ... At the time Allison was and still is mad at Kristen for writing a secret admirer note to Reese, Allison's boyfriend.

love,

Corey

This marks the moment I learned that even the best written apology note won't forgive complete evil bitchiness. The only thing I'm sure about with this note is that I spent more time congratulating myself on the high quality of the writing than I did actually accepting responsibility for what I did.

As for the closet... this was also known as my "office". I'm not kidding. My little walk in closet was my office where I sat and did "work". This is why I spent so much time decorating it.

Allison's message, just to clarify, was written in our secret language. I wish I could replicate it here, but sadly there is no font for our complex system of weird little symbols. We often used it to plot the deaths of our fellow classmates.

Poor Kristen. Allison was arguably the prettiest little 11 year old ever, and Kristen just simply had no shot with Reese. Given that, its surprising Allison even gave a shit that Kristen wrote Reese a note... no one was getting that boy away from Allison. No one.

...rainbows and stickers. still, corey? really? aren't we getting a little old for that.

when do i get cool???

Journal Number 3 and The Truthmaster.

Third Journal, the Stained Glass Journal. Finally embracing my "artsy" self.

January 14, 1994

Dear Bethany,

Hi! I'm so sorry I haven't written for such a long time but nothing has seemed important enough to tell you about. But now something has. It all started last week.

I had gotten really annoyed at Farryl because she was becoming "snobbish". For instance, she and Allison complained about how "fat and ugly" they are which is totally untrue. So I assumed she was just doing it to get compliments. So I wrote her a letter telling her my thoughts but assuring her I didn't mean to be cruel or anything like that. So Kristin gave her the note I wrote (it was signed "The Truthmaster"). She read it and knew immediately who wrote it. She wrote me a note back saying "Dear Truthmaster: I know who you are. THANKS A LOT! Your so-called snob, Farryl."

She also told her best friend Piper she would never forgive me. In desperation yesterday I wrote her another letter telling her how sorry I was, and how she had so many good qualities (a tiny white lie). I don't know if it worked yet.

Love,

Corey

I have been waiting patiently for this entry. I remember VERY well writing this note and the fall out that happened because of it. I was hoping there would be some explanation for writing an "anonymous" (THE TRUTHMASTER?? REALLY????) note to someone who I considered a "friend" (at this point I think I have to use that term loosely.) Sadly there was no such explanation. Clearly something bigger was going on. No way was this entire psychotic reaction just from Farryl complaining about being "fat" (how concerned could i possibly be with Farryl's insecurities, after all?) But at least in this first entry there is zero reasonable explanation.

It is now that I have to admit... I think I LIKED the drama. I mean, you don't write that note if you are looking for a calm, drama-free school year. Also, I'm wondering if I truly believed The Truthmaster's note would actually "cure" Farryl's attitude. This seems naive, even for eleven year old Corey. Although I suppose I did think pretty highly of my own morality and writing talents. So in that case... perhaps I thought my writing would have a life changing effect on my audience like all the other great leaders before me. Sigh.

What's fascinating about all of this is I was not exceptionally "popular". I was a mean girl, clearly, but not in any traditional way. I was, if anything, condescended to and mildly tolerated. In this day and age I'm pretty sure this kind of treacherous behavior is reserved for just the most beautiful, most socially secure pre-teens. I wouldn't last a week in modern day elementary school. Thank god for the 90s.

Ace of Base vs. Mariah Carey vs... Phil Collins??

September 8, 1994

Dear Bethany,

Hello. Today will be my last entry in this journal.

Today was the first day of school. I wore: a white t-shirt, my locket, a silver bracelet, a blue white and black kilt, white socks and a cool pair of shoes. I thought I looked at least 12. I was really nervous. What if no one else is dressed up? What if I hate Mr. Moran? What if everyone makes fun of me?

I know these sound like stupid questions... but I think everyone is worried about stuff like that.

We had an open-circle type thing. We went around and said our name and our favorite rock group/singer. It was to help the new kids know us better. I said my favorite group was Ave of Base. I like them, but they're not my favorite. I mean seriously! I don't want to ruin my reputation by saying some one like Phil Collins or Mariah Carey. On new boy, Justin, said Mariah Carey. Maybe he's gay or something because that is NOT a boy singer. If you know what I mean.

Love,

Corey

a KILT?? I wore a KILT on my first day of school?? Who let me out of the house wearing these getups? Oh well. At least I had "cool shoes". Lord knows what THAT means. But as long as they made me look at least 12 years old... then i'm good to go. Of course, at this point in my journals I am 11, so I'm not sure why the one year jump up was so vital. I guess 12 IS pretty damn mature...

Ok. Music. I stand behind my Ace of Base selection whole heartedly. BUT, why are they a band that will be good for my reputation, whereas Mariah Carey is not? Time of course shows us that Mariah had a somewhat (ha) more successful career than Ace of Base. But the real question... Phil Collins?? Where did THAT come from? I don't really recall having a deep passion for Phil Collins. Or having a CD (or in 1994 a cassette tape I suppose) of his at all for that matter. Did 11 year olds listen to Phil Collins?

Poor Phil. Being considered less reputable than Ace of Base. Ouch.

Oh, and Justin may not have been gay but he did not have the good social understanding that I did. According to Corey's laws of popularity lying is always the best way to protect your reputation. Poor kid. I wonder if everyone else was as aware of this serious faux-pas as I was...

As Requested.

The Working Women of Corey's Brain with Your Host Miss Blah Blah (clapping)...

Thank you, thank you. Now onto the first interview. Breanna.

Q: Breanna, what part of Corey's body do you work in?

A: I work in the brain.

Q: What is your job there?

A: I work with thoughts, and since I'm a genie I try to make her wishful thoughts come true.

Q: What do you think of logic?

A: Yuck, logic is so trapped. You can tell Corey hates logic because she hates math and math is very logical.

Q: Corey loves writing... does that have anything to do with logic?

A: No of course not . Writing is so free and thoughtful. I think it's positively lovely that she likes it.

Q: Is there any reason you took up thoughts?

A: Well, I don't like to think of it as a reason since I hate reasons but I thought it would be nice to take up thoughts since this has gone through generations of my family. I'm having a baby soon and I hope he or she takes up thoughts.

Q: Do you hope to have a boy or a girl?

A: Definitely a girl.

Q: Is there any reason you want a girl instead of a boy?

A: NO NOT A REASON!! But I THINK a girl would be nicer because boys have been proven to be better at math.

Q: Who else works in the brain with you?

A: Well there's Belle, the logic brain and Bonnie who tells the other parts of Corey's anatomy what to do.

Q: I take it you're not too fond of Belle?

A: Not at all. Her section of the brain is so neat and organized. She even has one of those little cabinets to keep math problems in.

Q: Who is your husband?

A: My husband is the thoughts of Corey's love, Patrick's brain.

Q: Does he have the same ideas as you?

A: Yes, except with him the logic takes over. He is so very weak.

I don't think this requires much commentary. It is another project I worked on in my journal, a series of interviews like these go on for a week or two and "Miss Blah Blah" interviews different parts of my brain.

Obviously the best part of this interview is my assessment of how Patrick's brain works. I am pretty impressed with the succinct and creative way I tackle the differences between men and women... it explains a lot.

Corey+ Mr. Mellow = Love 4ever

September 7, 1994

Dear Bethany,

Today I'm at Allison's. Mom and Dad are taking my brother to boarding school. You know what I hate about him going to boarding school? Everything I say my mom will reply, "After we get your brother off to school." I'm important too!!! I have troubles too! I need stuff for school! WHY ME?

Allison and I have been looking through her sister Rachel's magazines like YM and Seventeen and stuff. Right now Allison is giving me a test on what kind of guy I would attract. It's fun. I attract: MR. MELLOW:

"Having a good time is very important to this guy. He's witty, relaxed and happy to entertain you (as long as it doesn't take too much effort). Rarely angry, he takes everything in stride and tends to forgive quickly."

Cool huh?

Love,

Corey

If only the quizzes in YM and Seventeen had proved the be right. It really would have saved me from a lot of big mistakes. This guy sounds great, but I don't seem to manage finding him. Even Patrick is kind of a neurotic mess. I don't know about his wit (god forbid i TALK to the guy) but he definitely was not relaxed.

More importantly, how did I manage to answer questions that led me to that result?? What mellow dude would want to date the narcissistic, angst ridden DISASTER of an 11 year old that I was?? What did I say to make Seventeen Magazine believe I was deserving of some chilled out wonderful guy?

(I mean, see the first paragraph of this SAME ENTRY. My self pity and victim complex knows no bounds.)

In case you didn't notice, there is a huge chronological break between this entry and the last one. That is because I got really boring during the summer months and my journal is full of exciting information like what I ate and how good my tennis game/lizard-house-making/singing/swimming was.