Intricate Military Style Relationship Planning.

March 27, 1994

Dear Bethany,

On Friday Diana and I decided to take action with this Patrick thing. I call it Plan AB because it's made up of Plan A and Plan B.

PLAN A: 

I'll walk up to Diana and say "Diana, look I got a new charm on my charm bracelet." She'll list all the charms. Then Patrick will know my talents.

PLAN B:

Diana (who sits next to Patrick) will say "Are you going to ask Corey out?" then "Do you like her?" then "You're embarrassing her by not asking her out, most of her friends already going out. 

I HAVE HOPE! 

Love,

Corey

Oh, Corey. Bullying boys into asking you out. Plan AB is GENIUS. 

If Patrick sees all my charms on my charm bracelet (an ice skate! a ballet slipper! a music note! a piano! a book!) he will truly come to understand just how talented and skilled I am. I mean, if I have all those charms, I must really BE someone, right?

And I'm sure, if Patrick only knows how humiliating it is for me to be single, he will totally fix that problem. I mean, the last thing he wants is for me to be embarrassed. It is SUCH a compelling reason to get into a relationship. 

I am so certain this plan will work.... what could possibly go wrong?

and Diana, seriously, why are you still my friend? Have I done ANYTHING for you, or is our entire friendship based on you helping me with my completely insane and misinformed schemes?? I'm scared to know the answer to that...

Facts About Patrick

March 14, 1994

Dear Bethany,

hi! So sorry that I haven't written for so long! Let's see, I got an A- in math!! Isn't that great? Guess what? Piper's going out with Mike. Am I going to be the only one in the grade who's NOT going out? I sure hope not!! 

I sometimes wonder if winter is ever going to end. Winter is soooo boring. I can't ride my bike, jump on the trampoline, and the trees are bare and there are no flowers or grass. I HATE IT! 

Oh, by the way, Diana found out a lot about Patrick. 

1. He loves the tazmanian devil and other Looney Tunes. Strange?

2. He loves reading

3. He collects baseball cards.

4. He lived in Texas before he came to Dover

5. He plays basketball.

6. He used to take karate

7. His favorite ice cream is chocolate chip cookie dough which is the same as my favorite ice cream. Cool huh? 

Tootles!

Corey Ann Haydu

I considered not owning up to the fact that I just signed off with "Tootles", but I have no dignity, so there you go. I make myself sick. 

Diana gets huge props in this entry. She went and got a bunch of random information on Patrick for me?? What prompted this generous gift? Did she take notes? Did I? The questions are endless. Most importantly-- how will I use this valuable information?? Will I offer Patrick a cone of cookie dough ice cream? Will I ask him if he wants to play a game of basketball? Will I speak in a Texan accent or buy him a baseball card? 

Or- will I simply love him from afar and never actually work up the courage to speak to him? 

I think we all know where this is going...

Lost Causes and the Girls Who Love Them

March 2, 1994

Dear Bethy,

Sooo much has happened!

1, On Monday I made up with Piper. She's really nice... when we're alone. She's a bitch in a  crowd though. I'm not going to put her on my friend list, even though she's my friend. 

2, Well, first Diana asked Patrick if he liked me. He said something like this: "Like? Well... I don't know if I LIKE her," and just crap like that. Then she and Georgia and Corrine asked Patrick if he was going to ask me out. He said "Not now." Then Georgia and Corrine asked him what he would say if I asked him out. (which I would never do). He said, "I'd say no because I'm not ready to go out." I got soooo mad. 

Then today Mrs.Bitch said, "Boys, chose a girl to trade papers with." Diana told me that Patrick had gotten up and was about three feet away from me, then turned around and said "I can't do this". It's not exactly what I hoped... but it's a start. 

3. Piper's birthday party is Friday. It's going to be an indoor beach party. She has a hot tub and its a sleepover. I just cannot wait! 

Love,

Corey

I don't know what it is that girls love so much about lost causes, but I certainly started early with that shit. Poor Patrick. I was a lot to handle. And I was not giving up. I have no idea what drew me so strongly to this guy, because (spoiler alert) I do NOT move on from this crush until I am in 7th grade. SEVENTH GRADE. 

As for him getting up, almost handing me his math paper and then mumbling "I can't do this"?? I find this one hard to believe. Either I have completely exaggerated this in my own journal, or Diana made this up to make me happy. I'd like to think it's the latter, but I am fairly certain it is the former. I am getting to know ten year old Corey pretty well, and that just seems like something she'd do. 

Piper always had the best birthday parties. One year we had to dress up as TV characters. Everyone picked cool ones, except me. I was Judy Jetson. It was not a wise choice. Diana, (who I think was actually like, one of the Bundy's or something) never really let me live it down. I recall a cardboard triangle around my neck and a lot of pink. 

As for the hot tub beach party with the bunch of ten and eleven year old girls... I can only imagine the shit storm that came from that night. 

Valentine's Day or Corey's Dark Day

February 14, 1994

Dear Bethy,

Today was really crappy. 

1. I got in a fight with Piper because she ruined my party. And do you know what? She said it was my fault that my party was ruined because I was the one who cried! I just can't believe that girl! 

2. Today's Valentine's Day. Allison gave Reese a huge Hershey's kiss, and he gave her a chocolate bear. And PLUS he asked her out. AUGHH. I hate it! Why won't Patrick ask me out? Why doesn't anyone ask me out? Am I ugly, stupid, insensitive? I've just GOT to know!!

Hopefully on Wednesday i'm going to FINALLY get a pet! I'm really excited.

I know I keep saying this but I'm just sooooo mad about Allison and Reese! I want a yes or no (hopefully yes) answer! Maybe I'll tell Allison that I can't be her friend if she goes out with Reese! It could work...

Love,

Corey

Oh. Oh God. Emotional blackmail. This was perhaps NOT the most well thought out plan. I would hold out hope that I did not actually go through with this plan, but given my track record thus far, I have a feeling I actually probably DID tell Allison I wouldn't be her friend if she went out with Reese. 

I only moderately feel bad that I was questioning (um, finally) my looks, intelligence and.... sensitivity level? Is sensitivity something guys really look for in girlfriends? I'm not so sure. But I enjoy that it was in my top three qualities. Can't imagine why I'd worry about being insensitive... I seem like such a sweet, innocent, caring girl. 

"Going out": This did NOT mean going on a date. It is more like going steady. Except without the talking or physical contact. I don't know what actual purpose this served-- it was like an agreement that you both liked each other and were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. But I think it actually cut down on interaction rather than increased it. Once you were "going out with" someone, talking to each other became wayyyy too stressful, and was to be avoided altogether. 

Allison and Reese were not exactly an exception to this-- but I'm impressed they exchanged Valentine's Day gifts. I mean, that's pretty advanced for a ten year old boy. Once again, Reese was SUCH a catch! 

It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To

February 12, 1994

Dear Beth,

Hi! I guess I should write to you because today's my last day being ten. Today was my birthday party. We went roller skating. Piper was being a bitch. She and her loyal followers skated exclusively. Evie and I tried to tell Piper she was being a brat, but she walked away and wouldn't talk to me. I cried at my birthday! Eventually we worked things out but I still hate Piper for what she did. Tomorrow for my birthday Georgia and I are goinf to Friendly's for lucnh and then going to the movie "My Girl 2". I can't wait 'cause I loved "My Girl 1". Guess what?? for Georgia's birthday present to me she gave me tickets to go to Aladdin on Ice with she and her mom. I can't wait!!

You know what I always find kind of hard to believe? That the presents people give you for your birthday are really yours. 

Love,

Corey

Is it suspicious that I am still somewhat unclear about what Piper actually DID to me? I mean, aside from skating with her "followers"? Diana, was this you? Tell the truth. 

Also, this will not be the first nor last time I cry on my birthday. 

But these days I don't think I hate people quite so freely. Usually. 

As for my spectacular birthday plans.... Friendly's is one classy joint. No, but seriously there Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Sundae is maybe the greatest dessert ever. 

And yes, I still love presents as much as I did when I was ten... =) 

Corey Gets Over Patrick. Only to Suddenly Love Him All Over Again

February 25, 1994

Dear Bethy,

Sorry I haven't written for so long. Lots happened in the past week or so. 

1. I started not liking Patrick on Wednesday... but not anymore. I'll explain why: Well in math Jen, Christine and I were in this group, we had to make up 2 mental math problems, 1 calculator problem, 1 paper and pencil, and one paper pencil AND calculator in the same problem! Well, after Jen, Christine and I finished this, we switched papers with Patrick and Alex. First they complained that "This isn't calculator" "This is too easy" "You call THIS paper and pencil?" Then WE started complaining that one of their problems was hard. Patrick just replied "I did it in my head!" I hated him for that! But, I like him again (don't ask me why though!)

2. Alex asked Bree out and she said yes! I can't believe it! Clashy, immature Bree! 

3. About Allison and bratty, stupid Reese: Reese said to Allison "I like you". Allison said "I like you too". Later Allison said "I REALLY like you" and Reese said "I REALLY like you too." I'm sooooo mad! At recess on Friday Allison was trying to make everyone go away so that Reese could ask her out. Luckily he didn't, but he will soon! Patrick's just GOT to ask me out SOON. I'll feel so shitty if he doesn't. I'm giving him a secret admirer note for Valentine's Day. 

Bye!

Corey

Um. Ok. I kind of don't want to read any further because I am TERRIFIED of the disastrous results of this secret admirer note. I do not remember anything about it, which hopefully means I either didn't follow through with this plan or that it was somehow construed as acceptable. 

I am rather appalled at Patrick's despicable behavior regarding my math papers (side note: is this really what I spent math class doing? Trying to determine what types of problems you need a calculator for vs. what kinds of problems you can do in your head seems.... like not such an important skill. Or, rather, it seems like something that would come naturally. Like, "Hey. I can't do this in my head. why don't I grab a calculator?") 

Given how rude he was, I certainly forgave him quickly. Love conquers all? Corey was lacking in self respect? You decide. 

I'm worried ten year old Corey is going to blow her brains out while everyone in the grade gets a boyfriend before her. Seriously. Clashy, immature Bree? I mean, has anyone noticed how mature I was?? And how well my patterned vests matched my skorts?? IS THERE NO JUSTICE??

Either fifth graders are evil, or I was actually inhabited by Satan for a while.

January 19, 1994

Dear Bethany,

I have lots to tell you. 

1. Well you know about Piper? Yesterday sucked so much that I started sobbing in shower and I whispered hoarsely, "why me, why is everything going wrong at the same time?" But today was lots better. Before math Piper sent me a note saying she was sorry. So I kinda forgave her.

2. On Tuesday Cathy and I were sliding on the ice outside the school. Then Patrick came by. I decided to exaggerate the story. I told everyone that Patrick had come over and almost asked me out! Oh well, I guess that sometimes lying makes me feel better. 

3. I looked in Allison's journal to a page about me. Guess what it said?? It said that for Christmas she wished that I had gotten her an M&M gumball machine like I got Piper. 

4. Cathy let me read something in her journal. It was a list of the prettiest girls in the grade. I was seventh. She also mentioned I wasn't really pretty, I was just attractive. It hurt a little but I'll live. 

5. You know how I said Cathy was beautiful? Well, I've been studying her and actually she's kinda gross. 

Yours,

Corey

Presumably someday I will be too humiliated to keep putting these entries online, but at the moment I feel so compelled because they make me laugh so hard, and I feel I need to share the joy. 

Where to start??? The description of myself crying and "whispering hoarsely" in the shower?? A tiny part of me feels bad for little Fifth Grade Corey. But the much larger, more influential part of me thinks my vivid description is maybe the best thing I've ever written. Ever. 

As an adult, I so rarely do more than one despicable thing a day. But apparently, when I was ten, days were much fuller. I told a total lie AND looked in someone's journal?? I am confused at the lack of guilt... I seem to mostly think everything I do is totally justifiable. 

But the best part of this entire entry, is #4, and the quick, i'm sure totally unrelated epiphany in #5. Clearly, Cathy calling me not pretty had NOTHING to do with my sudden decision that she is not beautiful but instead is gross. 

Because if these things were related, surely I would have owned up to that.... right? right???

oh. no....