Pen Pals, and Loving Someone Lame

April 6, 1994

Dear Bethy,

I've done some more communicating with Patrick. I wrote back a "form" to him and said:

"What do you think of me?

a. Who's Corey Haydu?

b. I hate you

c. A friend

d. A girlfriend"

He circled C but I think he likes me a bit more than a friend. He also answered one question that he didn't know too much about me. So I wrote back to him saying a little about myself. I said my interests and my faults... stuff like that. He wrote back about himself. His letter was soooo lame! It said his favorite colors are black and blue. Like I care! 

I like Patrick and all but Diana and I have a few jokes about him: Patrick is obsessed with pen guns. Anyway, we think he has no life and no personality so we joke around and I'll go to Diana "Patrick, Corey's eloping" and Diana will go "oh... Bang! Bang! Pow!" 

Anyway, back to the letter. It also said "I have blue eyes (well maybe with a hint of green)." When Diana read that she goes "I bet he thought that was funny. I can just see him going "haha, Corey's gonna get a kick out of this". 

Also, Diana was telling Patrick that I thought his letter was lame (I told her to say that) and Esther goes, "you know, Corey has wet dreams about you!" AND HE LAUGHED! I will most seriously KILL ESTHER.

Love,

Corey

Hm. For the first time I sort of don't know how to feel about this entry. I am flummoxed. If I know how lame Patrick is, why am I obsessed with him? Why do we like men who don't like us back? 

I don't actually want to get to know him, I guess. And I think he has no personality?? I have thrown myself through a loop here. Eleven-year-old Corey has shocked me. Or perhaps it is that eleven-year-old Corey is not so different from 26-year-old Corey. I'm not sure which. I do feel like the key to my romantic life is hidden somewhere in this entry, but I can't quite put my finger on where it is...

At least my misinformed self confidence continues on. It literally does not matter what Patrick says. I have decided he likes me. And so it must be. I admire this way of seeing the world. I miss it. Kind of a fabulous way to live. Delusional, but fabulous. 

I also love that I wrote Patrick back and told him all my faults. Mostly because I completely recognize myself in this one. Compulsive honesty. I'm pretty sure I still do almost exactly that when I'm dating new people. "Hi I'm Corey, I have a temper, I think you're cute, I'm shitty at math, I fall easily." 

Often horrified by my former self. But today feel some connection to her, which is a relief. I mean, she's a huge bitch and possibly mentally insane. But at least we have something in common.