Corey is a Giant Hypocrite. But is Finally Also Right About Something.

April 30, 1996

Hey Bethany! 

Here at Nobles life is going great. I've made some REALY good friends with this girl I really like, Carissa. She's great. 
Ned and Derek are both good. 

Remember Penny? Smart, brown hair, talkative. She's changing. I can tell a lot about people. She is acting in some way that she finds funky. She used to babble a little and be sensitive and helpful and strong. Lately she's tried to be funny and more of an individualist. Everyone is thinking she is acting weird. She'll say really stupid things sometimes. I don't know how to stop her from changing herself. It seems mean to try. She shouldn't want to be what she's not. She tries to pretend she's spacey and always figuring people out, and she'll say stuff like "what is the definition anyway? Was it ever defined?" She'll "ponder" that, then she'll be like "Hmmm I'll think about that." She says she doesn't care what people think about her, but she tries to hang out with people like Nina and Tess. She's been clingy lately. I want to be with Carissa and Katie, and then she'll come along too. And she'll say some weirdo thing. I just don't understand. So many different kinds of people, why try to change your kind? 

Peace and Love,
Corey

Usually I disagree pretty vehemently with Little Corey, but in this instance I'm sort of like... yeah. That sounds pretty effing annoying actually. And yeah, it does sound like this chick is trying to BE someone deep and smart and to compensate for how uncomfortable middle school can be by pretending to "not care". Although I will say that Little Corey is a giant, giant hypocrite. Because lets be honest. Little Corey LOVES the idea of being deep and a "individualist". So you know, she may be right about this Penny chick, but come on. What I hated in Penny is DEFINITELY what I was insecure about in myself for SURE.

I AM SO TRANSPARENT.

I Want My Friends to be Happy.... Uh... Sort of

April 16,1996

Hey there Beth,

What's up? Not much here. Talked a lot to Ned today-- of course it was fun. Found out that Joe kind of likes Tess. Looks as though they may be an up and coming couple. Of course I'm happy but I don't want them to go out. I feel like Tess has it all. She has never had a boyfriend, but she might get the guy she wants. She has incredible grades and everyone has been (lately) talking about how pretty she is/will be. I mean, what about me? I want her to be happy, but not if it causes me a ton of jealousy. She will accidentally rub it in-- I know it. She's a great friend but I want to be a little like her. Did I mention how popular she is?? I guess I'm fairly popular and ok-looking, but you know. Oh well. 

Also Diana is getting a tiny bit bitchy. When I tell her good news she doesn't care and when I have bad news she will rub it in. She's my best friend, but I don't like her attitude. Sometimes she is great. But I can't deal with the other times. No one is perfect, but she is acting totally clueless lately. Talk about mood swings! 

Peace and Love,
Corey

What a surprise. I'm calling more of my friends bitchy.

And another surprise! I'm jealous of one of them.

Also why are people talking about how pretty she WILL BE? That's weird, right? Like, who is saying that exactly?? Adults? People our own age? Such a strange little distinction there.

I don't think Joe and Tess end up dating, but I might be wrong. I end up dating Joe in about a year. It's pretty exciting. Even though I'm only ok-looking.

Also it's driving me crazy that I keep calling myself "popular". It's just.... not true. At All. I was never, never remotely popular. Delusional, yes. Popular, no.

Sorry Tess and Diana. But if it makes you feel better I think everyone is bitchy and everyone makes me jealous. Soooo you're in good company.

I am SO MUCH LIKE JANE EYRE. Because of Our Prisons and Stuff.

The Fifith Journal: The Kissing Journal. Please note: On the inside page of this journal I have a running list of who these kissing children represent (ie: Me and Ned! Me and Joe! Me and Tim! etc.)

4/7/96

Hey Beth!
I have tons to look forward to-- especially the senior sixie dance! Ok I'm not gonna ramble about it-- although right now it's my whole life. I actually wanted to just talk deeply, express thoughts about things. 
I'm reading the book JANE EYRE. It shows so much about a trapped life. In my own way my life is trapped too. Jane speaks of liberty to do what she wants, as do I. She wants to be free of rules. I need to break away from my jail. The bars are people who i want to be friends with. I block myself in some odd way. I am caught in a strange sort of trap. I can escape and as we speak I slowly chisel the steel bars of popularity. When you are younger what you don't see is that once you escape trying to be popular, you become popular. As I grow out of my childhood jail, I can feel my own sort of freedom. When you stop worrying you feel confidence rise through your whole body. It shows, a little bit at a time. You stand up straighter, smile more, blush less, talk to people you barely know. I feel myself becoming who I am. As opposed to someone who will be whatever other people want me to be. I'm friends with so many people now, and it's good to know they are friends with Corey, and not the imprisoned child that lays inside me somewhere. 
I have so much ahead of me. No more "iron curtains". Just last week I was SO embarrassed about my terrible lacrosse playing, but I can't be good at everything-- and that's fine. Soon it will be over anyway. Next year I'll be an eighth grader, and eighth graders are what are scaring me this year, so next year nothing will scare me! I feel great. 
No one will ever understand my feelings, but that's fine. I can keep it inside. Inside my heart. That way it will stay there forever. But isn't it great to have freedom in your heart always?

Peace and Love,
Corey

Oh wow. Shit got deep here, guys. Um. If this is what I write in my journal about JANE EYRE, WTF did I write for an actual PAPER? I mean, those jail metaphors were SOLID.
I also love when I refer to my "childhood" over and over again. I'm 13. So... pretty solidly still in childhood I think.
Also, I'm so sad that I think my main thing to fear is eighth graders, and the certainty with which I believe that once I'm in eighth grade, I'll never be scared again.
Oh, Corey. That's so sweet. And so optimistic.
And why do I get the feeling that I legit quoted directly from JANE EYRE in this. Any English scholars out there recognize any plagiarizing???

Popular Kids Know How To Use Email!

3/18/96

Hey Bethy!

What's up? Today Mom and I went shopping for my room. I found some nice, antique beds. Mom said I could take over the guest room or the computer room (trade). I think I might actually move to the computer room. It would be SO much fun. I'm also thinking about getting a bed that is really low to the ground-- very modern. Mom isn't crazy about that, though-- not that it's her choice at all!! 

Today I got a few email messages from Nina. She's Tess's really good friend. I didn't think she liked me at all! But she does. She's helping me find out whether Ned likes me or not (they are good friends). She's telling me some of her secrets! She's very popular she's been writing other random notes to me-- I'm even on her mailing list now! She even suggested we do something this week. Does that rule or what?? She's so fun to be with. And now that I'm, like, best friends with Tess again, and I'm really close with Alice, Claudia, and Lily... I'm popular! I also have good friends in the "other" group, that are very cool!! I AM HAPPY!!

--Corey


What seventh grader in 1996 has a mailing list? And oh for the days when being on someone's mailing list was a GOOD thing.

But really. Mass emails?? About... what?? I mean, we weren't like, famous. We didn't have gigs or big announcements sooooo I assume her mass emails were about, like, math homework?

But okay. That's what the popular kids were doing. And now I'm one of them!!! Except, I'm not. I'm actually not positive if I maybe had like five minutes of popularity and then it changed, or if I just was never actually popular at all but SUPER delusional. I'm thinking the latter. I feel like being popular is something I would remember, right?

Also, I love my proclamation that what kind of bed I get isn't my mom's choice. Um. It's not like I'M paying for a bed with my 13-year-old Saturday night babysitting salary of like 4 bucks an hour. Soooo I'm pretty sure it IS kinda my mom's choice.

Minor parenting fail.

I Fall In Love With a Boy At The Mall.

3/17/96

Hey Bethany!

Wassup! Nothing with me. It's St. Patrick's Day. I wore a green bra, shirt, scrunchie, plastic ring (very in).

I went to the Natick Mall with Kristen, Diana and Ellen. It was sooooo fun. I got a mini-backpack (in), wallet, Seventeen magazine, a Charleston Chew (my favorite candy), some bath beads (I now have nine!) and 12 stick of incense (I now have 32 altogether). 

On Friday Kristen and I went to see the movie "Up Close and Personal". It was wicked good! All the romantic movies make me sad though. =( I want Ned so badly! I kept thinking I would bump into Ned at the mall today, and we'd go to Friendly's together, and share a Fribble (sort of like a milkshake) and he'd ask me out and kiss me. NO SUCH LUCK! 

I did see a cute guy sitting in the food court. He had a very nice body, and brown hair, and nice eyes-- his eyes weren't half of date as Ned's (no one competes with him) but he looked a bit hotter. I think he may have been checking me out. I think guy-strangers are actually starting to-- but it wouldn't matter. Not like I'll ever see him again. Unless of course he's applying to Nobles and he comes and he and Ned fight over me. YEAH RIGHT! 

I wonder if guys talk about girls. I wonder who they talk about. I'm sure they don't talk about me. Some guys in my grade have forgotten my existence. Probably not Ned since we're such good friends! Friends is pretty good too, I can be around him a whole lot, and talk to him, and smile at him and laugh with him (and at him). But I wonder if he's ever thought of me for something else. Like a girlfriend for instance? He has no idea how I feel about him. He really is clueless that I like him-- my friends agree. We could figure it out if he did. He knew about Hayley. She asked him out in December-- he said no. He also told Tess that he thinks Hayley's annoying (cha-ching!!!!) Which, of course, she is. 

Peace and Love,
Corey

I love my assessment of what's "in". And my need to tell my JOURNAL how "in" I am. Plastic rings! Mini backpacks! I could not have been any cooler, guys.

Also, this may be the most MA-centric entry yet. What with my use of the word "wicked" and my dreams of sharing not a milkshake, but a Friendly's Fribble with my crush (side note: I'm pretty sure a Fribble IS a milkshake, not is just "sort of like" a milkshake) (other side note: why am I having 1950s style fantasies about milkshake-sharing?)

Also, what happened to 11-year-old Corey who thought she was HOT SHIT?? I mean, I'm cute at 13 than I am at 11 (marginally. let's not go crazy. cutER, not actually cute). But suddenly I've had some epic confidence crash.

Also-- I love how pissed I was at Hayley for trying to steal Derek from me, but i have ZERO qualms about going after Ned after he turned her down. And reveling in his rejection of her. Keeping it classy as always, little Corey.

Lastly, What is UP with the incense collection?? I know that I don't actually USE the incense because I'm terrified of fire, so there's no way I'm like, lighting matches or lighters. Nor would I be allowed to in my room anyway, i'm sure. So I guess I just sit around surrounded by 32 sticks of incense just.... sniffing them??

Just when I think I can't possibly get any cooler....

I want a Fribble. Who's in?

Stop Thinking You're So Cute, Hayley.

March 13, 1996

Bethy,

I'm so deep in my hatred for Hayley it is unbelievable. She is just the biggest bitch in history. I despise her. I invited her to chat on NoblesNet and the first thing she said was "Do you write Derek on NN?" I said no, do you? And she goes: "yeah... but I was just curious."

YEAH RIGHT!!!!

She just wants to play with jealousy! Can you believe her?? She wrote him an NN note to say happy birthday to him (Sunday) and he wrote back and now they write. She goes "I think you should write him." Probably thinking that I wouldn't. Of course I did! Heehee. If he wrote her back, he'll write me back, definitely. I hate Hayley. She has all the teachers and upper-schoolers thinking she's cute and sweet, when really she's out to get people-- like me! How low can you get? I just hate her! I can't believe she's in love with MY Senior/sixie date. She'll probably ask him to dance at the dance. I would, of course, never speak to her if she did. He either"

1. wouldn't have the heart to turn her down. Plus probably thinks she's cute.

2. Would feel bad since he's MY date and would say no.

3. (most likely) would feel bad for me so he would ask me if it was okay-- I wouldn't have a choice but to say it was fine.

I HATE HAYELEY!!

The only problem is that I can't say I'm mad at her for flirting with Derek. Because she'd either tell him or say something like "You don't own him!" 

Oh! I hate her. But she'll never know.

Bye!

-Cor

Again. To recap. Derek is 18. A senior in high school. I am thirteen and a really huge loser. The idea of me fighting over him with Hayley, or feeling like I have any kind of ownership over him because he is going to a weird senior/seventh grader dance with me in the spring is cray-cray. Seriously guys. Delusion City. 

Poor guy is getting emails (A "Nobles Net" or "NN" message means EMAIL on the school email system. It's 1996. I don't have the lingo down yet) like, daily, from seventh graders. And not even popular ones. With the perspective of a 29 year old I now see Derek opening his email, rolling his eyes, and asking his friends how the hell he can get these 13 year olds to lay the fuck off. I just don't think it's cute anymore. I think I passed into the stalker phase sometime in, like, January with him. 

And poor Hayley. I mean, I've only known the girl for 6 months but the hatred I have for her is at the level of someone I've known for my whole life. 

But I like that my 13 year old self has some sort of radar for bullshit. I respect that. 13 year old Corey thinks Hayley is faking it and fooling everyone. But you CAN'T FOOL ME. I see the quiet manipulation. I see the evil undertones. I see the fake cuteness. I see it all.

Or, you know, I possibly have invented it all in my head. For all I know Hayley legit was offering me advice on how to get with Derek. 

...but I doubt it. 

In which "On Bended Knee" Becomes my Favorite Song

3/11/96


Dear Bethany,
Hi! I probably had the best time of my life at Tess's batmitzvah on Saturday. They had two fortune tellers who really predicted the right things. The only problem is that they told all my friends that they were going to get boyfriends soon, but they told me that I was having trouble with boys. Oh well! 
They also had a karaoke thing that gave you a tape of your singing. Jill, Abby and I sang to "Only Want to be With You" by Hootie and the Blowfish. It is sooooo funny. They also had this photo thing where you got dressed in a costume. Abby, Jill and I did it. It ruled. They had cotton candy and this candy thing where you took a bag and put in any candy that you wanted. It was incredible. Want to hear the best part???? Derek was there!! {NOTE: THIS IS the SENIOR IN HS THAT I AM OBSESSED WITH WHO WILL BE GOING TO THE CREEPY SEVENTH GRADER/SENIOR DANCE WITH ME) Yes, he's friends with Tess's brother, so he came. 


First the DJ dude said "pick a partner" and I was going to go with my friend, but the Derek goes "Corey!" so I did a fast dance with him. It was so funny. He kept moving everywhere! Then I danced a slow dance with Ned, and then a slow dance with Derek. They both asked me!!! Talk about awesome! I don't remember what song I dance with Nick to but with Derek I danced to "On Bended Knee" by Boyz 2 Men. At the end of the song-- the last time they sing "on bended knee" he went down on one knee. It was the sweetest thing any guy has ever done! And at the very end he took my hand and shook it and said "Thank you very much, Madame". 


Ned just came over to me and goes "shorty" (his nickname for me), and then I danced with him. We talked the whole times. Both dances were absolute sheer magic. I really believe that. I am totally lovesick though. For both Derek AND Ned. I love them both!!! It's to the point where it's really pathetic. I'm almost depressed. Every song I hear I picture myself dancing with either Ned or Derek. My new fave song is "On Bended Knee". Oh I'm so lame! 


Peace and Love,
Corey


Awwww, okay. I still think the senior-sixie dance, in which seventh graders and seniors in high school go on a date to a dance together is the creepiest idea by school ever came up with. But I mean Derek, my senior date for a dance that is still, like, months away, is maybe the nicest guy ever. I mean, I'm this loser of a thirteen year old. And he's a fucking eighteen year old with way better things to do that encourage my extremely obvious crush. So... thanks Derek!

I love that Derek, the senior, is all adorable and sweet and getting down on one knee. And of course the boy my age, Ned, just calls me "shorty". But it's just as magical.

Ah, love.

Also, Tess's batmitzvah is still maybe the greatest party I've ever been to in my entire life. Seriously. I don't think it gets much better than TWO fortune tellers, unlimited candy and a tape of myself singing Hootie.