Mixed Up Volumes.

Below, I begin an exciting writing project where I write journal entries from the point of view of inanimate objects. Hilarity and Humiliation ensue.

June 27, 1994

From the Mixed up Volumes of Quarty Quarter's Green Journal

Dear Journal,

Hello. This is my first journal entry. Today was quite exciting. First this rough bumpy hand took me out of this cloth covering (I think it's called a purse) I was beginning to call home. I was put into a plastic bag, I bounced and jumped around with some other coins. I met this really cute penny (her name was Penny). We danced for three hours. She even kissed me. She is such a beautiful copper color. She was new, from 1993. Then I was separated from my darling Penny and into a smoother hand with nails called Jen. While Penny pas taken into the rough bumpy hand called Sam. Jen took me and put me into an old wrinkled hand called Mrs. Cramm. I heard some dings, and a drawer opened and I was dropped into a metal box with a clink. That's where I found you, Dear Journal. You are such a funny green color and those numbers bug me but I still trust you.

Sincerely,

Quarty Qaurter

This entry is followed by Spoonoe Spoon's Journal, and Forkster Fork's Journal. I don't know who came up with this idea (GENIUS) but it seems both Cathy and I are writing these little entries in our journals. In fact, we are seemingly obsessed with finishing our current journals so we can buy new ones. This means we both must write ten pages a day for the next week. A grueling pace. Apparently I have been a workaholic since I was in elementary school. which is either great or unbelievably depressing.

As for the actual content above? I mean come on. I think it speaks for itself....

People Don't Like Being Called Egomaniacs.

June 26, 1994

Dear Bethany,

No offense to Cathy but she has a HUGE ego. She was saying things like "I'm really good at this... I do a good job with that..." Then she did five front flips and then said "well i CAN do ten". oh GOD.

We also played a lot of tennis. A tennis teacher saw us playing and said we were really good and she's going to give us a tennis lessonon Tuesday at 9am. Anyway, tennis was fun but there were tons of bees and Cathy and I are both wicked scared of them.

Guess what?? Even though I still like Patrick (alias: Lame Boy), I'm in love with an older man (about 20) . His name is Brian. He is SO cute. He has blonde hair, blue eyes and glasses... not nerdy glasses, social looking glasses. He is a very good tennis player and he has a twin brother. Brian is also very nice. He always lets my brother hang around with him even though he's a few years older. Isn't that sweet?

A couple things about Cathy: Cathy's favorite animal is a horse. She likes them because they are cool, sweet, adorable, fun to ride on and be with etc. etc. She is probably my most obnoxious friend (besides Allison who I'm in a fight with) For instance, if I say something like "you're so egotistical" a couple things will happen:

1. she'll look at me like i have two heads.

2. she'll go "what's egotistical?" this is annoying for two reasons: she stretches out the "what's", and she makes every syllable in "egotistical" long.

INTERRUPTION: A funny thing just happened. Cathy goes, "wouldn't it be weird if when we were grandparents I found your journal and you found mine?" I agreed, and she said "We'd both be pretty mad because admit it, we both have some bad things about each other in our journals."

Well gotta go cause Dad's here and waiting very impatiently.

Night!

Corey

This is actually an edited down version of this journal entry. Since Cathy liked writing too, we would write every night that she was visiting me in New Hampshire. And it was an unspoken competition to see who would write for the longest, write the most, give up first. So I go on and on for pages in every journal entry this week.

An older man?? Wow. I'm actually pretty disturbed by the way I phrase that. It's kind of icky. And by kind of I mean extremely. But at least he had "social looking glasses". I'm sure there's some sort of fine distinction there. It's certainly an evocative phrase. Like, glasses that allow him to actually socialize and not just be a loser?

Do I have any friends I actually like?? Is there anyone I do NOT have complaints about?? I am so hyper aware of other people's faults. It really sounds miserable. I'm kiiiind of a terrible person at this point, huh?

What I love most is that I bitch about how Cathy reacts to my comment. "You're so egotistical". In what context am I saying this?? Do I understand how mean a comment that is?? Do I take any responsibility for the consequences of arbitrarily telling my friend she's an ego maniac?? The answer, of course, is no. The obnoxious person in this scenario is Cathy. Apparently because of the look she gives me and the way she speaks slowly. With syllables.

At least Cathy tells it like it is-- admitting that we both bitch about each other in our journals. I would LOVE to see what she wrote about me on this trip. I hope that at least in her journal she called me on my bullshit.

Christ, I was one irritable eleven year old.

Modesty and Other Qualities I Totally Posessed.

June 24, 1994

Dear Bethy,

Hi! I'm finally out of school. I'll tell you about it. Ok, when I got to school I didn't have anything to do so Piper and I played cards. Then we got to go to the award assembly. I won a writing award! I was really surprised that Cathy didn't win one. She's not as good as me, but she's good (I'm not bragging, just telling the truth)

Then Piper and I played more cards. Today, Cathy, my dad and my brother and I drove to New Hampshire. When we got up here Cathy and I played cards for a while. Then my brother and his friend-thats-a-girl, Kate (NOT a girlfriend) took us to Ben and Jerry's, an ice cream shop.

Guess what?? I'm auditioning for "Sound of Music"... I hope I get in. Another thing, Allison and I got in a fight over nothing. We haven't made up and we won't see each other until next year.

Love,

Corey

I think I'll address the obvious first: I really AM a better writer than Cathy. I mean, who does that 10 year old bitch think she is? Clearly my essay entitled "From the Mixed Up Volumes of Spoonoe Spoon's Journal" (found later in this very journal!) was GENIUS, and put me HIGH above every other 11 year old writer in the country. I can't go into details, because it will ruin the suspense for when I post it here.

Also, whats up with all the card playing?? Was I running some sort of underground poker scene? (the answer here is yes. I did in fact run a poker group where candy was used as currency. I'm not kidding. That's just how I roll.)

I'm proud of myself. I'm totally focussing on my 11-year-old Career instead of Patrick. Way to go Corey! You are ahead of your time!

Favorite Pen Pal

June 18, 1994

Dear Beth,

Hi! Guess what?

1. You know how Patrick and I have been writing letters? Well in his second to last letter he asked me why I like him. I told him things like he's smart and good looking. And I asked him why he likes me!! He said I'm pretty, funny, smart, nice and a good letter writer. Yes!!

2. Only 4 days of school and 3 days of math.

3. Yesterday I got into fights but I made up with both of them. First I got mad at Piper and Georgia. Here's why: see, Mrs. J's class (us) has been doing little Fractured Fairytales (I'm the Jolly Green Giant) I got mad because at the end of yesterday's performance they gave Mrs. J a flower saying THEY thanked her. I think the whole class should have given her the flower.

Then I got in a fight with Allison because she wouldn't tell me why she was mad at Dani and Cassie.

Love,

Corey

Ah, the pen pal stage with Patrick. So romantic... sort of Victorian of us. Like, we have class together and are in school with only like, 50 other people, but we don't talk... we just communicate through letters, that are delivered by Diana. I mean, its so fancy of us. I probably should have stuck with this guy. Seems we really had a magical connection.

I guess even eleven year old boys fish for compliments... what was he looking for in asking me why I liked him?? And did he know how fervently he was encouraging my crush?? Meanwhile, it gave me the PERFECT opening for asking HIM why he liked ME. (Please note: I only gave him TWO reasons. He gave me FIVE. Success!)

This Fractured Fairytales play really caused a lot of drama. Maybe just for me. I wish everyone in my class had kept journals so I could tell if I was just a really fucking angry eleven year old, or if that was a product of the age. I guess there's no real way to know.

Stay tuned for Corey's SUMMER tales. Exciting!

I Dare You To Figure This Out

June 7, 1994

Dear Bethany,

Hi! Today kind of stunk.

I got in a fight with Allison. I'm kind of mad at Cathy and Georgia. I'M REALLY MAD AT CORRINE.

Okay, I'm mad at Allison and Cathy because Allison doesn't like Farryl and she's telling rumors and she's told lots of people and not me (but Bree DID tell me)

[Ok. Yep. This actually sounds about right. I actually feel some relief when I recognize myself in these entries. I definitely still really hate when I don't know everyone's dirty little secrets. I have no interest in sharing them, I just really really need to know them. So perhaps marks the first fight I actually understand. Allison spread rumors about Farryl and didn't tell me what they were. Bitch. ]

I'm mad at Georgia because I was all mad after our math test and I came in frowning. Georgia goes, "Oh she's just trying to get attention". Then PIPER came in with a frown and Georgia said "Oh, Piper, what's wrong?"

[I'm going to have to take Georgia's side on this one. I am positive I was just trying to get attention. I mean, it sucks that she called me on it, but it's not her fault she was more perceptive than me.]

I'm mad at Corrine because, see, in class we were doing Fractured Fairy Tales. Corrine is the part of Gretl. Yesterday I was bored so I took a script to cue them. I wanted to cue Corrine and at first she said sure, and then she told Georgia SHE could. And she PROMISED me I could do it. Today I went up to Corrine and said "Well can I have your script?" and she had already given it to Georgia!! I got mad and finally Georgia (unwillingly) gave the script to me. Then Corrine said "Well, I think I'll use my script. I'm not quite sure of the lines." then I was watching Hansel and Gretl and saw Corrine WITHOUT her script. So I looked around and guess who had it? RIGHT. GEORGIA.

Love,

Corey

Wow. This last one is a total mystery and took me about an hour to untangle. But i THINK the situation basically boils down to me wanting to run lines with Corrine?? I can't imagine why this was such an interesting prospect to me, but if I had to guess I'd say it had to do with not being cast as Gretl MYSELF, and somehow hoping that feeding Corrine her lines would make me a star? I mean, I can tell you one thing for sure: it certainly wasn't because I actually wanted to help her.

In this same Fractured Fairy Tales play, I had to be a giant. Seriously. At like 4 feet tall, the tiniest person EVER, my teacher I guess decided it was best to go for the joke rather than protect any sensitivity I might have about my tininess. I'm still pissed. I think I'm in a fight with Mrs. J.

Actually, I could never handle this amount of fights in my adult life. I'm tired just reading about it. I mean, was i ever NOT mad at someone? And how many times can i possibly use the word "mad" in one single entry??

Things to think about.

Things I Love; Things I Hate.

Ok. I can't type this one out because it a simply THAT BAD.

But an overview:

I made two lists. Two Top Ten Lists, Letterman style. One of things I love, one of things I hate.

Highlights of the things I love: Luckily, I DO list all three members of my immediate family. They are not tied. In fact, they are quite well spread out across the top ten list. My hampster, Houdini in fact beat some of them. What else beat all THREE family members? Let's take a look at the top five:

#5:Writing (I just love it!)

#4: Books (pick a book, any book)

#3: Tammy (a stuffed bunny I've had since February 20, 1983)

#2: Being in Musicals (singing acting and dancing)

#1: Hippos (so cute... so wonderful)

Um. I just want to reiterate that. HIPPOS are what I love most in the world. More than Patrick, my family or any of my hobbies. And a STUFFED BUNNY also edges out Mom, Dad and my brother. I... feel like a sociopath.

As for the Top Ten things I hate, I'll give you the whole top ten:

#10: winter (YUCK!)

#9: Choices (Diana or Georgia?)

#8: Braces (ouch)

#7: Teeth (what good are they?)

#6: Cassie

#5: Vegetables (gross me out!)

#4: Doctors (This includes dental doctors too)

#3: Being scared (eeeek!)

#2: Fred (Mr. Geek)

#1: War (go away!)

I... wow. Ok first of all, things have changed because winter rules. I just need to get that out there first and foremost. Choices: Diana or Georgia... I wonder what this means? Which one to be best friends with? Which one to kill? The stakes must be pretty high for the choice between the two of them to be on my all time Hate List.

I especially like the Miss America tone I take at the end. The number one thing I hate is war. Wow. Profound.

Actually, I can't comment on this list. I'm still getting over the Things I Love List and the fact that I like my stuffed bunny more than my family. WTF.

Fake Fights. Cause Real Ones Aren't Psycho Enough.

May 24, 1994

Dear Bethy,

Hi! Good news and horrible news.

1. Musical Theatre was great!

2. I feel confident about my social studies test. It was about the Pre-Civil War.

3. Nikki [a new pen pal. During this time I had A LOT of pen pals.] wrote back! She sent her picture. She's overweight but she seems nice, and that's what counts.

Horrible, terrible, no good, very bad news:

Yesterday, Evie and Piper got into a fight. Or at least that's what it was thought to be. See, after Art yesterday, Evie told me that Piper had "done it again" (meaning that Piper was calling her stupid). She was laughing when she said it so I said "Evie, are you SURE? Pink swear you're telling me the truth?" and she PINKY SWORE. Then, today I found out it was just a fake fight. I got mad at them. (I think I had the right to... don't you?)

And after music Evie wrote a note saying they were doing it for fun, not anything to do with me. So I wrote back saying "I don't believe you because you brought me into it and everything... maybe you're not the person I thought you were." And then she came by and whispered to me, "Well at least I'm not a perfect little bitch like you." I got mad and everything and since I'm so sensitive, I started crying at recess. Everyone was saying "Corey, what's wrong?" and I only wanted to be alone with Georgia and Diana. So I sobbed "I just want to be alone". Also, the whole recess Piper and Evie were following me around making fun of me. They're making fun of me but I will NOT stoop so low as to make fun of them.

Love,

Corey

PS: Mrs. Jefferson has this board called "Then and Now" and it has pictures of everyone from September and from May. Piper and Evie ruined my May picture. Luckily, Mrs. J busted them.

Woah. I'm actually pretty overwhelmed by this one. And by overwhelmed, I mean I am experiencing PTSD.

I mean, first of all, a fake fight?? What the fuck is that? That seems like a lot of trouble to go through to make someone mad. Making someone mad really isn't that hard. Especially eleven year old Corey. She seems to get mad pretty easily (whereas now, you know, my temper's totally under control)

I can't quite get a grasp on what I was so upset about... so I understand that saying Evie wasn't show I thought she was is rather extreme... Did I think she was not someone who would get in a fake fight, only real ones? I'm confused. BUT that said... perfect little bitch is pretty hardcore. I mean, I was kind of a judgmental, holier than thou child.... but actually calling me on it?? ouch.

I always enjoy most of all my descriptions of my dramatic crying fits. I think I was secretly in a soap opera that no one else knew about. A really poorly written soap opera.

As for my fat pen pal... its sooooo nice of me to still think she might be a good person despite her weight. I mean, I must be a good person if I can look as horrible an affliction as being overweight in a new pen pal. I mean, ideally, all your pen pals are skinny. But oh well. These days, I'd be more concerned with the unicorn stickers she sent me. She was SO a pink unicorn type of girl. I think we all know what I'm talking about...