Corey's First Breakup. Goodbye, Patrick.

November 27, 1995

Bethany,

This has been the worst day of my life! I'm not exaggerating! I guess you should know the big news. PATRICK DUMPED ME!!!!

I was kinda thinking along the lines of me dumping him-- I guess not! It was sad. I have to realize it now-- have to let it settle in. It refuses to. I guess on top of all that, the fact I got bad grades on EVERYTHING and cried in school about the C+ on my To Kill A Mockingbird paper that I worked really hard on, it had a huge impact on me, and leaves an empty feeling in my stomach.

I can so clearly remember when I gave him a valentine day with hearts all over it and messages like "P+C=true love forever" and he gave me a valentine with hearts on it. The first note he gave me that said "LOVE, Patrick." The best day of my life was the day he asked me out. I used to love him. I don't anymore. But it hurts. It hurts to have your first "true love", your first boyfriend bumped out of your life. There's a big hole in my stomach, waiting for me to cry. Should I feel free or sad? Does this mean I'm really ugly? An idiot? WHY did he dump me? I need someone to give me a big hug and rock me back and forth and tell me its okay. I need a friend here. I'm too alone.

What should I do? WHY am i not crying? Aren't I supposed to? Is life going to be different? I NEED A FRIEND! Someone HAS to help me!

I HOPE it's a better day tomorrow. I'm NOT exaggerating when I say this is the worst day of my life!!!

-Corey

Awwww my first break up. What amuses me most of all here is that I explain every detail of every day of my little life, EXCEPT explaining like, HOW Patrick actually dumped me. Did he call? I mean, I assume it was a phone call but I want to know exactly what he said and what I said! Why, after all this time of being so detailed, would I now suddenly skimp on details?

It's actually a sad thing-- like those moments are lost .Which I know is normal for everyone else, but when you have almost 20 years of journals, it's actually unusual to not have a record of the Big Moments.

And this is one of the Big Ones. Right? Right? Except for the not crying thing. Which I guess soooooort of undermines the whole thing.

Besides, twelve-year-old Corey is too obsessed with eighteen-year-old Derek and his many high-fives and "hi there"s in school to really care about Patrick, my "first true love" dumping me.

Still, end of an era. Patrick has been the main focus of my journals since they began in 1993. MILESTONE.

Journal Number 4: More Cats

Yep. this is journal number four. I really, really liked cats. Like, a lot.

So onto the first entry in the SECOND cat journal.

November 20, 1995

Bethy!!

Oh my god!! Today was the best day of my life! I didn't have Spanish, Latin I had a test which I felt pretty good about. English was fun. Science was okay. Arts was Awesome! Growth Ed was, um, well, Growth Ed-ish. Math we played Jeopardy. Then I was out of school and GUESS what I did at lunch. I asked Derek to the senior-sixie dance. And he was SO COOL. He did a "victory run" around Gleason Hall. He danced around and joked around and said it totally made his day. I was SO touched. He is the coolest guy on earth!! How VERY exciting.

Also, I had almost no homework and to top it all off, 15 minutes ago, Patrick called. I was sooooo surprised. He sounded so cute. The only thing is, since it was getting sort of uncomfortable I said I was "kinda in the middle of something" and maybe it was my imagination but he sounded kinda mad/sad. So tomorrow Diana is gonna tell him how sorry I was but my mom and I were in a fight and she was screaming at me to get off the phone (not true but it sounds awesome). I felt SO bad though. He really did seem upset. Oh well. It's (hopefully) not anything big. It's probably not very important. I was thinking maybe it had to do with, like, he wanted to tell me something (like "I love you"-- I wish) and I didn't give him the chance. oops! That would be very bad. I would KILL myself if that was the case. I won't worry though. It was probably nothing. And if it was important, Diana will find out. from him and tell me. Maybe he hates me for being a dull conversationalist. DON'T WORRY COREY.

Maybe I don't care. I think I do. Am I supposed to be SURE about this kind of thing?

I like Derek-- but in a different way!! He rules!

Peace and Love,

Corey

A short and disturbing explanation about who Derek is and what the "senior-sixie" dance is. The Senior-Sixie dance (which i'm sure no longer exists) was an event at school where Seniors and Seventh graders go as dates and hang out together all night. Unfortunately, as seventh graders got more and more promiscuous, the okay-ness of this event went downhill and by the time I was a senior, I'm pretty sure it no longer existed. (or no one asked me, which I find impossible to believe. I was the only senior in the seventh-graders height range!)

So Derek, an eighteen-year-old senior becomes my number one interest for the rest of seventh grade, and he gives me more attention than my "boyfriend" ever did.

And, spoiler alert, Patrick dumps me a week after this journal entry. Which begs the question-- did he intend to dump me during this phone call? Or was that phone call his last attempt at having a real relationship with me, a test I obviously failed? Is it fucked up that I'm still kind of agonizing over this very question?

WHAT WAS THAT PHONE CALL? WHAT DID IT MEAN? Please weigh in on whether this was a last-ditch effort to save our "relationship" or if this was Patrick's failed first attempt to dump me. 28-year-old Corey is still dying to know.

I SHOULD be popular, and other musings.

November 8, 1995

Dear Bethany,

Did you ever notice that once a person is popular enough the don't really care about anyone else. They forget who they were and concentrate on who they are. Did you ever notice that when someone is popular enough they control you. They play with your feelings. Almost as if they're playing tennis and your heart is the tennis ball. They don't care what they do to you-- as long as your response back works for them.

Did you ever notice how you are never the one in charge. Everyone cares about the popular one-- but no one gives a shit about you. The popular one's friend-- the sidekick. Never the first. The second.

Ever notice that when you say something funny no one laughs but when someone loved by everyone says the same thing ten seconds later, the class is in hysterics, like they said it better. Why is that? Is it that people don't care about the way you think? Or are you just a play thing, a joke.

You're a nice starting place, a home base. But never the real friend. You're ALWAYS the one the popular can turn to if no one else is around... and you can count on them to be there when you're overdue for some insults.

Ever notice that no one cares about your feelings?

Have you ever noticed that no one notices?

SUCH an annoying day. EVERYONE, including Hayley, was dissing me so bad and everyone else laughed and NO ONE stood up for me. WHY AM I NOT AS POPULAR AS HAYLIE AND KATIE?

I have tons of friends, but I don't have any popularity. I have some problem. Everyone is against me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Peace (kinda) and Love (I don't have any),

Corey

Has there ever been a more quintessential middle school moment than expressing, at long last, the thought: "Everyone is against me"? I have no memory of writing this entry, although judging from the language and sentiment, it sounds like one of the worst days of my entire life, thus far.

I like that this is written as more of an essay than a journal entry. There's such an obviously strong desire for this to be SMART, and that's what I love-hate about 12-year-old Corey. She so badly wants to be smart and articulate and artsy and dramatic. She gives in to the angst.

And to be fair, it WAS totally unfair that Hayley ended up being more popular than me. Yes, I wore multi-colored vests and a total lack of social finesse, but Hayley was no beauty queen or genius or charmer. She was just a girl who knew that being mean and putting someone else down was a great way to get ahead. I could be a total bitch one-on-one, and pretty effing high maintenance, but I was never mean to anyone in a crowd.

And that, I'm pretty sure, is the dividing line between popular and unpopular.

As for my journal entry: I know I'm not the first person to use a tennis match as a metaphor for my feelings, but I applaud the effort.

Don't worry little Corey. Everyone secretly thinks Hayley is annoying, and in sixteen years you won't remember this day anyways.

Why Do I Speak in 1950s Cliches?

November 7, 1995

Bethy,

I had another gold star day! Actually, not totally but more one thing in particular:

STORY TIME

Over the weekend Diana and I devised a plan. I gave Diana a picture of me. She would give it to Patrick, saying that I gave it to her and that she was being nice by letting him keep it.

She did this today and when he said it he was like, "Cool." And then she said, "You owe me," and he said "Yep."

And she said "You should give me lots of thanx." And he said "Yep." And she said "You need to give her your picture." And he said "Yeah-- wait no!" THEN (this is the awesome part) He walked to his locker and said "Darn, I forgot my wallet"-- meaning he would put my picture IN HIS WALLET! Is that not the TOPS in terms of sweetness? I am SO incredibly in love with that boy. He is Mr. Awesome. The right guy for me. All the way.

Only bad thing: tomorrow I have voice lessons with GROSS GIRL. I hate her so much!!! She is so bitchy!!! Why is she an asshole? She treats me like I'm two years old for starters. Plus she is ugly and sucky. I really dislike her (uh, duh). SO annoying.

Peace and Love,

Corey

PS: Patrick and I will have been going out for eight months as of Monday!

So this may explain my vocabulary choices: During this period of time I watched a LOT of Brady Bunch. Sooo I guess that had some kind of influence on my speech patterns. Which... may also explain why I sort of never progressed beyond "She's OK" on the popularity totem pole. Also: spoiler alert-- Patrick and I break up within a month of this entry so... this genius plan with Diana was perhaps not as WILDLY SUCCESSFUL as I seemed to think it was.

Also: my expectations for awesome romantic moments seemed to be STAGGERINGLY low, even for a 12 year old.

Lastly, I do end up totally abandoning my singing, which I'm starting to think might have had something to do with this god awful ("Gross Girl") voice teacher. Kinda makes me sad, seeing how the unraveling of a passion actually happens.

Consider this my unofficial endorsement of the great teachers, and my admonishment of the ones who kinda screw you up when you're little.

What A "Good Day" Looked like for 12 yr-old Corey

November 6, 1995

Beth-

HOLA!

THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!

Classes were OK, good hot cocoa, fun working with Tim in Spanish (cute, funny guy). awesome field hockey practice. Found out Mary and Kelly have "gone home" (in other words have HAD SEX!) Geez, they're 13! That's worse than Susan at camp!

Also, it was fun to be hyper after practice. I didn't have any homework and best of all, Lynn, my best friend from camp, is coming for the weekend of the 17th! I got to talk to her and she was excited to talk to me and was really happy 'bout coming here! I personally can't wait 'til then. Oh! Also, I got Kraft mac and cheese for dinner and changed my room so that it has more space. YES! Very exciting.

Oh! And also I got to show off the cool pads of paper I got at Different Drummer. The only bad thing was EVERYONE made fun of what I thought was the coolest outfit that I used to wear all the time. It's just rather colorful. Nothing wrong with that. Pretty funky colors-- blue clogs, purple tights, turquoise corderoy wrap skort, periwinkle shirt and all the colors mention in a vest on top. And a pink headband. I thought it was ultra-chic.

Love,

Corey

I think it is finally possible that I have crossed over from obnoxious and annoying to just plain sad and oblivious. How was this the best day of my life?? Wouldn't the best day of my life include NOT being made fun of all day for my clothing??

Reading these I start to feel like a nine-year-old in school with a bunch of sixteen-year-olds. I'm in this weird period of time that I think lasts just a year or two, where I'm just YOUNGER than everyone else. I haven't yet caught on to the nuances of social life, I still believe I will be thought of as cool because of my new notebooks. I still prize Kraft Mac and Cheese over actual popularity. And I'm still wearing skorts and vests. Sigh.

Can't I tell, from the 13 year-olds having sex, that I am BEHIND THE TIMES??

I think we all know what's coming...

Christmas List. In October. Oh, and I dumped this Ronald Dude.

October 3, 1995

Dear Beth,

I CAN'T BELIEVE I ALMOST DUMPED PATRICK!

Ronald turned out to be kinda annoying. Oh well. I said yes to him Wednesday. And then dumped him Sunday night.

I cut my hair Saturday. It looks pretty.

Christmas Lists:

Things to Get Diana:

-Candy

-keychains

-big panda

-t-shirt

-fruit drink recipes

Things to get Dad:

- t-shirt

-baseball book or video

-Funny OJ Book

Things to get Andy:

-Mighty Bostones something

-running something

THINGS I WANT:

-chameleon

-unicycle

-big boom box

-digital radio

-pens

-journals

-subscription to Merlyn's Pen

-COOL baseball hat

-clothes

-gift certificates

-candy

-trolley

-money to make a picture-calender

-hippo stuff

-nail polish and makeup

-LOTS MORE

I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL CHRISTMAS!

Peace and Love,

Corey

Poor Ronald. Doesn't even get a whole journal entry about me dumping him. Totally overshadowed by... my love of Christmas. Even though it's OCTOBER. ouch.

Although my list of presents I want is bizarre in general, I first of all need to address the request for a TROLLEY. Is this a misspelling of something? Did I mean trolls? Or was this some kind of crazy Corey-Idea? Was it a toy trolley? A trolley ride? Some sort of crazy circuis device?

• In related circus news, I DID get a unicycle that Christmas. And spent about a year trying to learn how to ride it in my basement. Did any other 12 year old girls ask for this kind of thing for Christmas??

Also: what is a "digital" radio? Weren't all radios "digital" by the mid-90s? How old AM i??

Lastly...

Why did Diana want fruit drink recipes? or more importantly, why did i THINK this would be something she would want?

I'm sad for little Corey. I think she's behind the times still. At her fancy new prep school and she still wants "hippos stuff" and a unicycle and PENS. I mean, props for the nailpolish and makeup request, but it's not enough to elevate that list to actually cool. SIGH.

Testing out Boyfriends

September 26, 1995

Dear Bethy,

Well, I said I'd wait until someone asked me out to dump Patrick. Here's my chance. This guy named Ronald asked me out today. Actually, Mina asked me out FOR him, but that's okay. I'm gonna say yes. I'm just nervous about dumping Patrick. I at least want to see him Friday without dumping him. If something great happens I'll dump Ronald. If not I'll dump Patrick. OH BOY my life is confusing!! Oh well. I guess

I have to see what kind of relationship I'm looking at with Ronald. If it's a shy conversation thing like at elementary school. Or if its talk, call each other, etc. like lots of people at my new school. That'll help me figure this all out!

Here is a try at a goodbye letter to Patrick:

Dear Patrick,

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I don't really think its really going to work out for us to be in totally separate schools and totally separate lives and still go out. I'm really sorry. I hope we can still be friends. See you at Youth Group!

Peace and Love,

Corey

How does that sound?? Too cheesy?? Oh well. I'll have to think about it.

P&L,

Corey

Corey Haydu: avoiding conflict at all costs since 1995.

Poor Patrick. I'm sure he'll be devastated. IF he knows we are actually still together. Probably not. And lucky Ronald! He sure is getting a super-great girlfriend. Has anyone ever been less enthusiastic about a new boyfriend? "Uh, I guess I'll date Ronald until I see what he has to offer. If its better than what I'm getting from Patrick, great. If not, that's cool. I have a back up."

My superior morality is to be admired. As is my note-writing and conflict-avoiding abilities.

Sweet.

There's not much else to say here...

The Rachel and other terrible haircuts

September 24, 1995

Bethy--

Mom said I could do whatever I want with my hair!!! I think I'll perm it. Or do something like this:

(INSERT PICTURE OF THE RACHEL HERE)

Isn''t that awesome?? I'm soooo excited! She's gonna get an appointment with my hair stylist, Julie, for next weekend. So I can talk with her about what would look good on me!! I'm hoping Jullie will have one of those computer things where it takes a picture then shows you yourself with all different hairstyles. All my friends were really jealous 'cause none of their moms would EVER let them do anything interesting with their hair.

I wonder what Patrick will think? I don't know if I care. I've been thinking about maybe dumping him. Maybe I'll just wait until someone else asks me out!

Peace and Love,

Corey

Ah, The Rachel. The haircut tailor made for your average awkward twelve year old girl.

Oh wait.

Yeah that looked like shit. But at least she didn't let me get the perm I thought I wanted. (and by she I mean my hairdresser, not my mother. My mother really was letting me do whatever i wanted. Clearly my judgment had proven to be impeccable)

I wonder where I got the idea of this computer thing? It sounds like somehting from the movie "Clueless" but I'm not sure that movie existed yet. Or if I'd seen it. Or if I heard about it in some crappy Teen Magazine. Or if maybe I was just so completely deranged that I came up with that shit myself.

In any case, I'm pretty sure in 1995 your average suburban hair salon wasn't using advanced technology to help 12 year olds decide whether or not to perm their hair. It's like half of me thought it was the 80s and the other half was pretty convinced I was in some futuristic flying cars Jetsons-type world.

As for my sudden desire to "dump" my "boyfriend" "Patrick"... I wonder if he even know that we were still "together" at this point. By my calculations the last time I saw Patrick was in May. It is now September. We have not spoken, seen each other, or in any way ackowledged each other's existence.

But oh well, I'm such hot shit I'm sure someone else is thisclose to asking me out. 'Cause I am going to KICK ASS at my new private school.

Or something.

Home Base. Which I Probably Don't Actually Know the Meaning of.

July 24, 1995

Dear Beth,

Well its my second day at camp. Actually its the beginning of the first FULL day here at Lochearn Camp for Girls. It's great here. Tiny (but cozy) cabin, 8 of us (incuding our counselor Skip). Actually, Skip is awesome. So is just about everyone here. Sue is kinda talkative and can be nice but sometimes she acts really sucky. Susan really gets to me though.

July 25, 1995

Dear Bethy,

Hi! Camp is good. All Mo's little friends are here talking about second base and they asked what base I've been to with Patrick. I haven't even gotten a peck on the cheek, I barely talk to him and I never have held his hand. It's depressing. I feel really immature. I used to feel all "cool" but now I feel like I SHOULD make out, etc.

No I don't want to go to "home base" before I get married but I'd ike to say "I've gone to second base" I'd like to- but I don't want it to really happen. Oh well! life is screwed.

Peace and Love,

Corey

Oh. Oh no. Not little Corey talking about no sex until marriage. nooooo.

To be fair, who knows what I think sex actually IS at this point. I mean, I'm still using baseball euphemisms so clearly I am not 100 percent informed.

Also, here is the moment when it becomes clear that my "boyfriend" Patrick is not really gonna cut it as a boyfriend. I mean, if you can't brag at camp about going to second base.... what is the point of even HAVING a boyfriend?

Life lessons from Lochearn Camp for Girls.

Oh and yes, Life is Screwed. Glad I learned that shit early on.

Oh No. A Depressing Entry.

July 12, 1995

Dear Bethany,

Here I am again to tell the story of my pathetically lame life! First of all, Jessie the official Ms. Bitch of the year: she's made at me and Alice for absolutely no particular reason. Alice is so guilt-taken. She feels really made about it. She reminds me the tiniest bit of Ellen-- the way she won't be mad at someone.

I mean, I guess I feel bad about it. Whatever, I do. Now Jessie makes up with Alice and not me. What the fuck is her problemo.

Peace and Love

(well my life is war and hate...)

Corey

later today:

Jessie and I made up but I'm still kind P.O.ed at her (no particular reason).

Even Later Today:

Beth- Hi it's me again. Everyone (meaning Jessie, Alice, Kim, Kim's mom and Kim's friend Lauren) went to Blueberry Island by canoe. I'm stuck here all by myself 'cause I couldn't reach my mom to ask if I could go with them. None of my OBNOXIOUS friends stayed here with me. I know if one of MY friends had the same problem I'D stay with them and I'm NOT just saying that. I have real feelings I consider myself a true blue friend to anyone. No I'm not bragging I'm just REALLY MAD/SAD.

I was just going through my journal and I realized what hard times I've had. Does this happen to everyone? I'm like some little taregt of God...if I believe in him which I'm not so certain about now. I need help but I have no one to turn to. I need some voice to tell me what to do and how to act. I hate my life. No not that bad. I just get such weird feelings. Like, when I'm at a sleepover I don't like, have a good feeling (when I'm trying to go to sleep) I always "want my mommy". Does anyone else feel this way? I'm just a loner I guess. How will I survive at camp? I'll learn when the time comes... I hope!

P&L,

Corey

Part one of this entry made me laugh. But now that I have finished typing it out I kiiiinda want to cry.

I have no actual comprehension of what this alleged fight with me and Jessie and Alice was. Presumably something inane and tiny that I will forget entirely about by the next entry. But the loneliness is tragic. Clearly I have a melodrama problem (the questioning of god, the assertion that my life comes down to "war and hate"). But the image of deserted Little Corey on the beach while everyone else goes canoeing.... heartbreaking. I may need to do another post immediately in the hopes that Little Corey will be uproariously funny again instead of prozac-worthy.