Saturday, February 5, 2011

Oh No. A Depressing Entry.

July 12, 1995

Dear Bethany,
Here I am again to tell the story of my pathetically lame life! First of all, Jessie the official Ms. Bitch of the year: she's made at me and Alice for absolutely no particular reason. Alice is so guilt-taken. She feels really made about it. She reminds me the tiniest bit of Ellen-- the way she won't be mad at someone.

I mean, I guess I feel bad about it. Whatever, I do. Now Jessie makes up with Alice and not me. What the fuck is her problemo.
Peace and Love
(well my life is war and hate...)

later today:
Jessie and I made up but I'm still kind P.O.ed at her (no particular reason).

Even Later Today:
Beth- Hi it's me again. Everyone (meaning Jessie, Alice, Kim, Kim's mom and Kim's friend Lauren) went to Blueberry Island by canoe. I'm stuck here all by myself 'cause I couldn't reach my mom to ask if I could go with them. None of my OBNOXIOUS friends stayed here with me. I know if one of MY friends had the same problem I'D stay with them and I'm NOT just saying that. I have real feelings I consider myself a true blue friend to anyone. No I'm not bragging I'm just REALLY MAD/SAD.
I was just going through my journal and I realized what hard times I've had. Does this happen to everyone? I'm like some little taregt of God...if I believe in him which I'm not so certain about now. I need help but I have no one to turn to. I need some voice to tell me what to do and how to act. I hate my life. No not that bad. I just get such weird feelings. Like, when I'm at a sleepover I don't like, have a good feeling (when I'm trying to go to sleep) I always "want my mommy". Does anyone else feel this way? I'm just a loner I guess. How will I survive at camp? I'll learn when the time comes... I hope!

Part one of this entry made me laugh. But now that I have finished typing it out I kiiiinda want to cry.

I have no actual comprehension of what this alleged fight with me and Jessie and Alice was. Presumably something inane and tiny that I will forget entirely about by the next entry. But the loneliness is tragic. Clearly I have a melodrama problem (the questioning of god, the assertion that my life comes down to "war and hate"). But the image of deserted Little Corey on the beach while everyone else goes canoeing.... heartbreaking. I may need to do another post immediately in the hopes that Little Corey will be uproariously funny again instead of prozac-worthy.

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