Corey goes to New York! The Hotel has a FAX MACHINE.

April 19, 1994

Dear Bethy,

I'm in New York, NY. Our hotel room is superb 2 TVs, 3 telephones (one in the bathroom), a fax machine and one of those food chests.

Dad and I went to FAO Schwartz. It was fabulous. Last night Dad and I saw "The Fantasticks". It was awesome!!! All the actors were playing their lines to me. At one point an old man goes "and the with CHILDREN..." and he stared at me. Everyone laughed.

Oh, "The Fantasticks" is in a little theatre holding only about 100 people. And there were only 30 the night I went. It was amazing. Today Dad and I are going to Les Miz and Beauty and the Beast. YES.

love,Corey

April 21, 1994

Dear Bethy, I'm on the plane coming back from New York. Les Miz was very good... but very sad. At one point this boy is in the streets during a shooting and he's singing "But watch out when the pup grows..." and he dies before he finishes the song.

Beauty and the Beast was OK but I can't see it as a musical. It's more like an Aladdin on Ice kind of thing.

love,

Corey

Mostly this is a sentimental post. Although I will definitely make fun of my description of the hotel room. I'm so impressed by material goods. I love that I mention the fax machine. I mean, do I even know what a fax machine DOES? Highly, highly unlikely. Also I'm already such a fucking New Yorker. The hotel room is "superb" and FAO is "fabulous". Not to mention I am SUPER happy I already had excellent taste in theatre. I knew the difference between actual theatre and sloppy commercial crap. Way to go little Corey!

Dad took me to New York pretty often. We both liked diners and musicals and the city. The Fantasticks was my favorite show I'd ever seen. I was blown away my walking around the Village and ending up in a tiny theatre with no one in it and a personal show without a true fourth wall. Transformative. And inspiring to read about now after eight years in the city and a jaded outlook on city life. Better to focus on the original magic of NYC. And the original magic of theatre. Fresh eyes. Maybe one of the better lessons from this project.

Surprise Pictures, Finally Found

In the very beginning of the The Flower Journal, I have glued in a bunch of random pictures from the Medieval Festival at school and a trip I took to Disney World with my grandparents. The Medieval Festival was an event at school-- it was a performance followed by a feast of "medieval" food. Unfortunately the music teacher hated me, so all I did was play the xylophones while everyone else had actual lines or solos. It was a low point for me. I was pissed. Cause, you know, I was practically a famous summer stock actress by then. How DARE they not respect that?

I was glad to see the picture of my grandparents. My grandfather passed away a few months ago, and it's a gift to remember him running around Disney World with me when I was eleven. Plus he's rocking an awesome hat.

So no journal entry today. Just the pictures. All I talk about during these pages is my fear of squirrels. Which I don't remember having but trust me-- not the most entertaining entries of the diaries.

These photos are little surprises-- they aren't in the family photo albums, they are only hidden in the journals.

The Flower Journal and Serious Narcissism

April 17, 1994

Dear Bethany,

When Diana called she got all mad at me just because I "talk too much about Patrick". In fact, I'm not even sure I like him anymore...just his eyes. But I THINK maybe I do like him. I'm confused! 

Yesterday was so awesome! Diana came over for a sleepover which was great. We played with Houdini [my hampster], we made halfway square (delicious) we watched Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman while having hot chocolate and popcorn and best of all we started making this thing called "A Day in the Life of Corey" Diana took pictures of me getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, eating breakfast, getting the newspaper, reading the Funnies, going to school, and lots more. When they're developed we're going to cut them out and put them on poster board. It should be fun. 

I love being out here sitting on the tree trunk writing to you. I feel truly at peace. 

Love,

Corey

YAY! Diana finally calls me on my BS! Although it does not seem to have an actual effect on my love of myself. "A Day in the Life of Corey"??? I mean, how did I talk her into the validity of this project? Obviously I know what the appeal was for me-- what could possibly be more interesting/artistic than a series of photographs documenting my exciting life (reading the funnies???) But I must have pulled some serious Tom Sawyer-ing to convince Diana this would also be fun for her. 

I wonder if I really like Patrick's eyes of if that line about liking them was from some movie or book. Because honestly, I don't think I ever actually got physically close enough to him to even know what color his eyes were. 

In any case, why do I keep thinking maybe I don't like him? I don't remember this confusion, only the hardcore infatuation. Although I guess it proves relationships are not ever actually simple. Or, at least mine aren't. 

Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. Holy CRAP we loved that show. I think Diana and I were actually middle aged women. So not hip. 

Side note: this entry marks the beginning of my second journal, the flower journal. Pretty much looks like wall paper or an old woman's house dress. Further supporting the notion that Diana and I were secretly middle aged. 

Pen Pals, and Loving Someone Lame

April 6, 1994

Dear Bethy,

I've done some more communicating with Patrick. I wrote back a "form" to him and said:

"What do you think of me?

a. Who's Corey Haydu?

b. I hate you

c. A friend

d. A girlfriend"

He circled C but I think he likes me a bit more than a friend. He also answered one question that he didn't know too much about me. So I wrote back to him saying a little about myself. I said my interests and my faults... stuff like that. He wrote back about himself. His letter was soooo lame! It said his favorite colors are black and blue. Like I care! 

I like Patrick and all but Diana and I have a few jokes about him: Patrick is obsessed with pen guns. Anyway, we think he has no life and no personality so we joke around and I'll go to Diana "Patrick, Corey's eloping" and Diana will go "oh... Bang! Bang! Pow!" 

Anyway, back to the letter. It also said "I have blue eyes (well maybe with a hint of green)." When Diana read that she goes "I bet he thought that was funny. I can just see him going "haha, Corey's gonna get a kick out of this". 

Also, Diana was telling Patrick that I thought his letter was lame (I told her to say that) and Esther goes, "you know, Corey has wet dreams about you!" AND HE LAUGHED! I will most seriously KILL ESTHER.

Love,

Corey

Hm. For the first time I sort of don't know how to feel about this entry. I am flummoxed. If I know how lame Patrick is, why am I obsessed with him? Why do we like men who don't like us back? 

I don't actually want to get to know him, I guess. And I think he has no personality?? I have thrown myself through a loop here. Eleven-year-old Corey has shocked me. Or perhaps it is that eleven-year-old Corey is not so different from 26-year-old Corey. I'm not sure which. I do feel like the key to my romantic life is hidden somewhere in this entry, but I can't quite put my finger on where it is...

At least my misinformed self confidence continues on. It literally does not matter what Patrick says. I have decided he likes me. And so it must be. I admire this way of seeing the world. I miss it. Kind of a fabulous way to live. Delusional, but fabulous. 

I also love that I wrote Patrick back and told him all my faults. Mostly because I completely recognize myself in this one. Compulsive honesty. I'm pretty sure I still do almost exactly that when I'm dating new people. "Hi I'm Corey, I have a temper, I think you're cute, I'm shitty at math, I fall easily." 

Often horrified by my former self. But today feel some connection to her, which is a relief. I mean, she's a huge bitch and possibly mentally insane. But at least we have something in common. 

Sex Education. Sort of.

March 31, 1994

Dear Bethany,

Hi! Today Patrick wrote me. It wasn't much of a letter. Plus he signed it Sincerely, and I signed mine Love. He's not very romantic! 

Today we had a film called "Changing". There were three parts. 

Part 1: Girls. You know like periods and pubic hair. I didn't learn anything I didn't already know except one thing: I learned what tampons are. They're like pads except they go inside. YUCK. 

I'm not sure if I want my period. It seems like a hassle. 

Part 2: Boys and Girls. Mostly it just talked about zits and "feeling differently about the other sex". 

Part 3: Boys. It was boring except for this part when a little boy goes, "Mine's smaller than the other guys. Does that mean I'm less of a man?" Then this voices comes on and goes "Penises come in all different shapes and sizes." It was sooooo funny! 

Love,

Corey

This film sounds... really informative? Sex education in this country is... totally going in the right direction? 

I love Part 2-- Boys and Girls. And that all it really talks about is zits and feeling differently. Yeah. That pretty much sums up everything you would possibly need to know about interacting with the opposite sex in adolescence. I don't know if I even know what sex is at this point. I do remember a long period of thinking sex was kissing naked. It's entirely possible I still believed that at the time of this film. 

As for Part 3... my real question now is what child actor had to play the part of the boy with the small penis in "Changing"??? This poor child must be seriously scarred. Also... boring?? It was boring to learn all about boys and the changes in their bodies?? This sounds highly unlikely. I'm either lying or this film failed to address anything of actual substance. Or I just found it so embarrassing that I use the word "boring" to disguise my discomfort. 

As for the letter exchanges with Patrick... I love the expectation for romance already cemented in my little girl brain. Some things never change. 

Gambling and It's Effect on Fifth Graders

March 29, 1994

Dear Bethy,

Well I did it! I gave the letter to Diana and she gave it to Patrick. I couldn't wait to know what happened. So I called Diana and asked. It turned out he didn't want to talk about it. I wonder if it did any good? I REALLY REALLY want him to write back. 

At school we did Sawin Essay. I started a new story. It was called "The Negative Points in My Life". It was really funny. In math we had a test. Since Allison was absent yesterday, Mrs. Bitch asked if she was ready to take the test. Patrick called out "I'm not ready" jokingly. It was soooo funny. 

At lunch I made two bets. 1. I bet Sky 25 cents that I wouldn't talk for the whole lunch. I lost. 

2. I bet Piper 25 cents that she wouldn't laugh the whole lunch period. There goes another 25 cents. 

Love,

Corey

PS: This morning when I woke up and saw it was snowing I started crying because I was so upset. I mean, lately it's been so springy. It's almost April and it's still snowing. SOMETHING IS WRONG. 

Patrick will resist.... but Diana and I are pretty relentless. I think I can pretty confidently answer that whatever this letter was (and wow. i wish i could see it now) it probably did NOT do any good. Unless it said something like "Patrick, I know I am a psycho and I will start respecting your boundaries". 

 Patrick's AMAZING joke in math class fails to impress me these days. Does this mean I have higher standards now? 

As for my apparent gambling problem... how long is a lunch period?? Could i really not manage shutting up for like, a 40 minute period? Even sadder is that I DID end up talking, but was apparently not funny enough to make Piper laugh. What a sad combination of lost bets. 

Maybe if Piper had read my totally hilarious story "The Negative Points of My Life" (!!!) she would have laughed. Or maybe this is simply another case of tiny Corey's over inflated ego.... 

Plan AB works... kinda.

March 28, 1994

Dear Beth,

GUESS WHAT? Well, Diana and I did Plan AB and here are the results: 

PLAN A:

Well, after math I went to Diana and started out saying "Look I got a new charm..." but it didn't work, Patrick just walked away! 

PlAN B: 

Okay, during last period Diana asked Patrick "Do you like Corey?" And most amazingly he gave a straight forward answer. He said..... "YES!" Then Diana asked if he was going to ask me out. He said.... "Not now, I'm not ready for commitment." Diana said "Next year?" He said...."PROBABLY!" 

YES!

I'm just soooo excited! And I wrote him a letter that I'm going to ask Diana to give him. I also asked him to write me a letter. GOD am I excited! 

Besides that BIG incident my day wasn't all that great. I found out that Piper and Sandra are cheating in math. One will do one sheet and the other will do another sheet, then they'll switch. Since Georgia has turned into a Piper FOLLOWER, she doesn't care. 

Love,

Corey

I have a sneaking suspicion that this huge breakthrough was more Patrick just being sick and tired of Diana asking him about me. And he (wrongly) guessed that if he said he liked me I would let up on the obsessing. But give eleven-year-old Corey an inch, and goddamnit, she will take a mile. 

As for Patrick not being ready for commitment... oh man. I love it. He wants to... what? Play the field? These fifth grade relationships consisted of pretty much ignoring each other and blushing... he totally did that anyway. Not much would have changed. At the time, however, I'm sure I took this resistance as a sign of his incredible maturity.  And who knows? Maybe unbeknownst to all of us Patrick slept around in this year before asking me out. You know, to get it out of his system before he had to commit. 

As for why we women love commitment phobic men... I can't answer that, I can just assert that it starts early.

I don't know about you but I am on the edge of my seat wondering what will happen when Patrick gets my letter... will he write me back?? Will I find a way to further humiliate myself?? Stay tuned.

Intricate Military Style Relationship Planning.

March 27, 1994

Dear Bethany,

On Friday Diana and I decided to take action with this Patrick thing. I call it Plan AB because it's made up of Plan A and Plan B.

PLAN A: 

I'll walk up to Diana and say "Diana, look I got a new charm on my charm bracelet." She'll list all the charms. Then Patrick will know my talents.

PLAN B:

Diana (who sits next to Patrick) will say "Are you going to ask Corey out?" then "Do you like her?" then "You're embarrassing her by not asking her out, most of her friends already going out. 

I HAVE HOPE! 

Love,

Corey

Oh, Corey. Bullying boys into asking you out. Plan AB is GENIUS. 

If Patrick sees all my charms on my charm bracelet (an ice skate! a ballet slipper! a music note! a piano! a book!) he will truly come to understand just how talented and skilled I am. I mean, if I have all those charms, I must really BE someone, right?

And I'm sure, if Patrick only knows how humiliating it is for me to be single, he will totally fix that problem. I mean, the last thing he wants is for me to be embarrassed. It is SUCH a compelling reason to get into a relationship. 

I am so certain this plan will work.... what could possibly go wrong?

and Diana, seriously, why are you still my friend? Have I done ANYTHING for you, or is our entire friendship based on you helping me with my completely insane and misinformed schemes?? I'm scared to know the answer to that...