In which "On Bended Knee" Becomes my Favorite Song

3/11/96


Dear Bethany,
Hi! I probably had the best time of my life at Tess's batmitzvah on Saturday. They had two fortune tellers who really predicted the right things. The only problem is that they told all my friends that they were going to get boyfriends soon, but they told me that I was having trouble with boys. Oh well! 
They also had a karaoke thing that gave you a tape of your singing. Jill, Abby and I sang to "Only Want to be With You" by Hootie and the Blowfish. It is sooooo funny. They also had this photo thing where you got dressed in a costume. Abby, Jill and I did it. It ruled. They had cotton candy and this candy thing where you took a bag and put in any candy that you wanted. It was incredible. Want to hear the best part???? Derek was there!! {NOTE: THIS IS the SENIOR IN HS THAT I AM OBSESSED WITH WHO WILL BE GOING TO THE CREEPY SEVENTH GRADER/SENIOR DANCE WITH ME) Yes, he's friends with Tess's brother, so he came. 


First the DJ dude said "pick a partner" and I was going to go with my friend, but the Derek goes "Corey!" so I did a fast dance with him. It was so funny. He kept moving everywhere! Then I danced a slow dance with Ned, and then a slow dance with Derek. They both asked me!!! Talk about awesome! I don't remember what song I dance with Nick to but with Derek I danced to "On Bended Knee" by Boyz 2 Men. At the end of the song-- the last time they sing "on bended knee" he went down on one knee. It was the sweetest thing any guy has ever done! And at the very end he took my hand and shook it and said "Thank you very much, Madame". 


Ned just came over to me and goes "shorty" (his nickname for me), and then I danced with him. We talked the whole times. Both dances were absolute sheer magic. I really believe that. I am totally lovesick though. For both Derek AND Ned. I love them both!!! It's to the point where it's really pathetic. I'm almost depressed. Every song I hear I picture myself dancing with either Ned or Derek. My new fave song is "On Bended Knee". Oh I'm so lame! 


Peace and Love,
Corey


Awwww, okay. I still think the senior-sixie dance, in which seventh graders and seniors in high school go on a date to a dance together is the creepiest idea by school ever came up with. But I mean Derek, my senior date for a dance that is still, like, months away, is maybe the nicest guy ever. I mean, I'm this loser of a thirteen year old. And he's a fucking eighteen year old with way better things to do that encourage my extremely obvious crush. So... thanks Derek!

I love that Derek, the senior, is all adorable and sweet and getting down on one knee. And of course the boy my age, Ned, just calls me "shorty". But it's just as magical.

Ah, love.

Also, Tess's batmitzvah is still maybe the greatest party I've ever been to in my entire life. Seriously. I don't think it gets much better than TWO fortune tellers, unlimited candy and a tape of myself singing Hootie.

All My Friends are Bitches.

3/6/96
Beth,


Oops! I haven't been sticking by my little weekly thing yet! Oh Well! My life is going well. Tomorrow=end of school (or rather last day before a 2 week March vacation).  I cannot wait. Tess's batmitzvah is the 9th and I'm wearing a very cool dress that I think makes me look really sexy/beautiful (sorry to brag to you. but it's not like I'm gonna brag to you, but it's not like I'm gonna brag to Hayley or Tess or anyone!) 
I'm going to ask Ned to dance at Tess's party!! it's not like he'd say no, so that should be great! I'm nervous though-- he'll either not want to dance, want to dance as a friend, or want to dance like REALLY dance, if you know what I mean.... But we're such good friends that I'm thinking I'm guaranteed a "yes". 
Also, Diana's parents are gonna be away for the weekend and she's staying here all weekend! The only bad thing is (yuck) dinner tonight-- chicken pot pie. Corey no want! 
Oh, the other bad thing is grades (possibly) and this science project thing. Also, Hayley is a bitch. Okay, so maybe bitch is a tad strong, but still! I mean, she is annoying as hell, and is definitely a brat. I am trying the good ole ignore tactic. Avoiding is always a good source of fun! 
Youth group tomorrow should be fun!
Diana got a bra. Um, that's it! 
Peace and Love,
Corey


I really tend to hate my best friends. It's sort of amazing. I don't know if you've noticed but basically my ONLY friends at my new school are Tess and Hayley, and I have bitched about both of them basically non stop. And called both of them annoying bitches. The only person who I usually seem to like is Diana. Who got a bra. Which is great. And Big News.

And yep. I used the phrase "Corey no want". I'm now baby-talking in my journal. WTF.

How to Be Popular. A Five Week Plan.

2/25/96


Dear Beth,
I really want to work on the new image. It has to start slowly. Here are the steps. 1=week one; 2=week two, 3=week three, etc. 


1. Start talking to new people (Kayla, Lily, Morgan). Do this while keeping friends with Jane, Hayley, Ella, etc. I talk to these people already, but become friends with them. 


2. Clothes/Style: Start wearing what I want to wear. People should respect that. Get my own fashion.


3. FLIRT: have fun with flirting! Ned, Tim, Brad, whoever. Don't be slutty, just be nice. Fit what they want. 


4. School-- work as hard as you can!


5. Work on putting it ALL together-- confidence, style, and everything else. 


This is my key to happiness! Yea! 


Love and Peace,
Corey


I'm not sure commentary is at all necessary for this. It's basically the most humiliating thing I've ever seen in my life. I want it to not be written by me so, so badly.

But alas. I actually said "FIT WHAT THEY WANT" about flirting with boys. At barely 13. I think this is a commentary on feminism and stuff but I'm so effing embarrassed I can't get there. Someone help a girl out, and make this meaningful instead of just horrifying.

Thirteen Year Old Corey Declares: I AM FAILING LIFE! 29 Year Old Corey Agrees.

February 20, 1996
Hi!
Yes I still like Derek-- but he can be very moody. Some days he is extra happy to see me, other days he gives me the "go away, you bother me" impression. No worries though, 'cause I REALLY like this guy named Ned. I think MAYBE he likes me- but it could be total crap. I REALLY like him. He makes fun of me and calls me shorty but I do the same and call him Metal Mouth. He's a total hottie!


I know I'm not as smart as I used to be-- now I'm a fool. I've GOT to be the stupidest girl in the whole grade!! I AM FAILING LIFE!! Tess and I are having major problems. But we've been talking them out -- hopefully they'll heal. Ihem. 


My birthday was cool. I can officially call Diana's mom by her first name. I got a "top-notch" stereo, clothes, CD, M.E. stuff, candle holder, incense, beanie babies, frames, earring, Sweet Factory candy and gift certificates, ETC! Pretty funky. 


I've been thinking. To make my life the way I want it I need to do something. Work on my looks. Get more stuff to do on the weekends. Talk more with people I want to talk with. Go back to stuff I did last year, like write notes to my best friends, like all the great ones Diana and I wrote. ALSO, I should consider writing a secret admirer note to Ned. Or not. Who knows?? All I know is to improve my life I need to improve my tactics-- find the new Corey-- or the old one. 


Peace and Love,
Corey


1. Derek probably gives me the "go away you bother me" look because I am 12 and he is 18 and i am, legitimately, bothering him. This never really occurs to me.

2. I have no idea why I suddenly decide I am the stupidest girl ever. Liking Ned?? Or am I doing badly in school? Or is it because I'm so unhappy? I don't know, but it makes me sad. I don't remember ever feeling that way.

3. ... Not that I really disagree. I am sort of stupid when I'm 12.

4. Or, I'm sorry, recently 13. With a TOP NOTCH STEREO. This list of presents is sort of the perfect example of how in between moments I am. I'm still getting beanie babies, but I have a new stereo. And who gave me effing INCENSE? Talk about an identity crisis. I guess I was having one of my many hippie moments.

5. The Sweet Factory was the best.

6. Oof. That last paragraph. On one level: I get it. I'm still searching. On the other level: my ideas for how to REACH contentment are so sad. "work on my looks"?? What does that mean, in seventh grade. I mean, I weighed like 70 pounds. I don't need to lose weight or like, get botox. What am I going to do to fix myself up? And for the love of GOD, Corey, do NOT write a secret admirer note! I don't know why this is my go-to man-getting strategy, but it has go to stop.

7. Basically, I'm pretty deep for a 13 year old. And maybe never feel like I have things the way I want them. EPIPHANY.

I Fall For a Hunk and a Half. Yep.

January 22, 1996

Beth,

Sorry I haven't written for such a long time. I see Derek sooooo much! He still rules! Don't worry! I also really like a guy named Ned. I've been KINDA thinking of asking him out... who knows? Kristen asked Aaron out and he said he'd tell her tomorrow. She's psyched. I HOPE he says yes but... I don't know if he will.

I'm mad at Tess. I can't explain it. I just get very annoyed with her. You know that deep feeling when you want to slap someone. There you go. She "doesn't care" about Jason and Derek anymore! Hayley still does though! Brenda-- he's a hunk and a half!!

A really cute guy slept over with my brother Saturday. He's taken, he's my brother's friend's boyfriend. Lucky!!

Bethy, help! Should I ask Ned out?? If he says no will I be able to talk to him again? (we're friends). And if he said yes, would I mess up while kissing him? I've never kissed anyone. I don't want advice, unless it's from someone who knows what he'll say... Is there anyone I could ask??

I'll think about it.

Love,

Corey

I do end up dating Ned.... but two years later. And I'm guessing he would not have said yes if I went for it in seventh grade. He was pretty effing popular with the ladies and I was.... quirky. You know, with a unicycle and shit. I did NOT end up dating my brother's friend's boyfriend, however. Because, you know, my brother was 17 at the time and i was TWELVE. So.... way to shoot for the stars, Corey.

Also: "that feeling where you want to slap someone"... that does not sound like a normal way to feel about my best friend. Am I a secret sociopath? And more importantly, will 29-year old Tess, who is still my friend, hate me now that she knows of my secret urge to hit her?

Oh and this phrase "a hunk and a half"... uhhh wow. That's a new one. I officially think I like INSIDE an Archie Comic.

A Testament to how much I LOVE Father of the Bride

December 9,1995

Hey Beth!

Guess what? My brother has this cool girlfriend, Tess. She's really nice. It's like a dream come true. She's like nice to me and comes here and talks to me, has dinner with the family. Stuff that is always in books!! I hung around all night with my brother and Tess and made chocolate chip cookies and all of us talked and it was SO FUN.

Oh my god, the scariest thing that has EVER happened, happened to me today. Diana, my dad, her dad, and I were going to lunch and a movie. So we were driving on this street. We got into a little rut in the road and when we tried to get out of it the car did a 360 degree turn! The whole world was spinning! Then we crashed into this metal rail that, if it broke, it would have been a VERY steep drop. Diana and I started crying and holding hands. Her dad felt so bad. His bumper fell off! It was disappointing though, because I REALLY wanted to see Father of the Bride Two. Oh well.

I can't WAIT until Christmas. My top choices are: a chameleon, a unicycle, and a stereo. I'm SURE I'll get one of them! YES!

See ya!

Cor

Yeah you read that right. The car crash I got into with my best friend and our dads was "disappointing" because it made me miss Father of the Bride TWO.

I also wonder what books I am reading that involve your older brother's girlfriend hanging out and making cookies. I guess I had not started reading my angsty books yet. Also, I love that I compare it to a book and not a movie. 'Cause I am so that girl.

And of course, the Christmas list. I never, ever, managed to have a normal-person Christmas list. I mean, a chameleon and a unicycle???

Um, I got the unicycle, and taught myself to ride it in our basement.

Let's just call it "quirky".

In Which I Use the Word Grody Unironically.

December 8, 1995

Bethy,

Guess what? I didn't see Derek Friday last week, this weekend, or ALL this week. He was absent until today and I just didn't see him today-- how sad! My NoblesNet password is "Here", symbolic of Derek being in school again today. I don't want to forget it, I've been changing my passwords a lot lately.

I saw Patrick yesterday and today. Grody!! I hate him soooo much. He's just disgusting. And he looks at me, too (ok, fine, so I look at him....)

I really like these guys: Trevor, Ned, Josh and, of course DEREK!! (no shit, Sherlock). They're all pretty cute, though.

Tess and Hayeley are both a bit bitchy sometimes. They fight a lot- I'm kind of in the middle. Each one expects me to agree with them. I don't know! help!

Ta-ta!

Corey

Things to think about:

1. I seem to have developed a rather severe ADD. That's concerning.

2. NoblesNet. My high school's own little 90s internet system. I just like the mention of it in here. It's so adorable. And my password was Here. Here. Because you know, in the 90s you could have a four-word, no numbers or symbols password. NOSTALGIA.

3. The word grody. Which I seem to have used un-ironically.

4. The fact that I already think my ex-boyfriend is "grody". This is surprising only if you have not met me.

5. Of the guys I list in this entry as guys I like, I ended up dating two of the four of them. I think those are some solid odds.

6. How did I know that Derek was out of school for a few days? He's a senior and I'm a seventh grader. Did I ask around?? Was I legitimately stalking him? It's possible I was even crazier than I thought.