Friends Becoming Bitches

September 4, 1996

 It was my first day of school. I guess school is OK all things considered. I don't have a lot of friends in my classes. Or at least not friends I'm used to having in class. Anna. Jill. Tess. About Tess though. God how annoying do you get. Talk about a Bitch with a capital B. She is so mean. Last night I invited her to this really cool show, Blue Man Group with me. I would think that would mean a lot to her because inviting her is like a privilege. But she ignores me all day. Now I totally wish I hadn't invited her. If all she wants is popularity then she can have it. She can be popular with Ella and Molly and Lily and whoever the hell she considers really and truly important. You know, basically the people who don't like her and talk about her behind her back. Hey, you know, who she wants to be friends with is her choice. I shouldn't even be writing about it since she is (or at least was) my friend but I care that the friends she's choosing aren't the people that care about her. I know for her a friend is someone who can help her be in with the popular crowd. But I know and she should know that when she's older the friends she has picked just aren't going to cut it. When she's, let's say 19, she's going to want real friends to help her with boyfriend troubles or parent troubles or what not. I'm not saying I'm the perfect friend but I care about people and her and I think I would serve her better as a friend than any of the people she lately seems to think are more important than me. 

So I guess that's it.

Well it's not. I actually think you should know that I'm getting SO into my room. This weekend I'm taking an old toy box and painting it to put in my room. Tomorrow I want to look in the basement for for some possible cool stuff. Remind me! (LIKE YOU CAN TALK) 

love,
Corë

Awesome List of Things to Buy At Mall

August 11, 1996

Beth,

Here's my shopping list for my Natick Mall trip. 

1. nail polish (Hot Topic)
2. fake tattoos (Spencer's)
3. cool hat (Gap, 579, Claire's, other)
4. blush (CVS)
5. Lipstick (CVS)
6. beanie babies (Mall St.)
7. lip balms (Lip Lix, CVS)
8. shoes (Payless)
9. anklets (Mall St., Afterthoughts)
10. barrettes (Claire's., Afterthoughts) 
11. little butterfly clips (Claires, Afterthoughts) 
12. magazines and comics (bookstore, CVS)
13. CANDY (Sweet factory) 
14. books (bookstore)
15. perfume (body shop, bath and bodyworks)
16. Stationary
17. pens
18. knee socks (hot topic)
19. LONG bead necklace (Claire's, Afterthoughts)
20. toe rings (Claire's, Afterthoughts) 
21. scarves and headbands
22. Table for room (mom pay for?) 

you know what I want for Christmas? The two BIG things I want? A lava lamp and a water bed. 

I'm psyched! I want to go home! 5 Fucking Days!

Love,
Corë

I mean this whole list is amazing, but the last two additions are by far the best because WHO AM I? Lava lamp and water bed?? Am I a 22 year old trying to seduce hot chicks in the early 90s? Am I a hippie? It's unclear. But they definitely go with my long beaded necklaces, scarves, anklets and toe rings.

LAVA LAMP AND WATER BED.

And beanie babies, of course.

Sigh. Oh, Corë.

Everything is a Problem.

August 9th, cont. 

Hi Beth! 

Well I just got a wonderful little comment from Brenda. The fucking cabin just takes me CD case and takes The Lion King CD out of it and puts it on without my permission. I got mad and Brenda said "Everything's a problem to you".

THANKX!!!

Corë

August 10, 1996

Hey Bethy,

5 DAYS!

Ok here's the news.  Mom called here last night and spoke to this head-person Alicia. She spoke to Nan, my counselor. And then we had a cabin meeting. Oh, maybe I should tell you what Mom called about. She called to tell about how tired I am. I've been complaining about it. I think if she'd done it a few months ago, I would have killed her-- but I'm actually a little happy that she did. 

Ok, also today for mail I got 2 postcards from Gramma Iris and a letter from Anna. Second day that I haven't gotten a letter from Mom. :( Well, that's just about it.  I can't wait to go home. I hope I get a good dinner tonight. And I also hope I get at LEAST a letter from Mom tomorrow. 

Love,
Corë

PS: Lauren, the Lion King director, told me I had "beautiful hair". YEA! 

Oh. Everything about this is terrible. First of all, I have to agree with Brenda, that in this period of time I make a huge issue out of EVERYTHING, and playing my Lion King CD is no big deal and omg I just wish I would chilllll.

I also love how I sort of leap over the really interesting thing here, which is that my mother called camp? And told them I was tired? And then we had a cabin meeting about it? I'm wondering if there is maybe more to this story? And I'm wondering how a conversation like this actually would go??

I'm so sad for Corë. She is so clearly depressed. I mean, right?

Or maybe this is what being 13 is like?

At least I had beautiful hair.

I'm sorta pretty but REALLY deep.

August 9, 1996

Bethany,

I'm a lot better now. I think I'll be OK. I've had a really good day. French toast sticks and rice krispies for breakfast! :) And good classes. I'm wearing an awesome outfit-- new jeans, short ribbed aqua t-shirt. Everyone is treating me okay. Ellen is going to tell them all about my family stuff. So that will be good. And it can't get much worse. 

This camp experience, as awful as it has been, has taught me a hell of a lot. I deal with stuff. I know that writing with you makes me feel better. I know more about me. I think I understand people better. So I guess it hasn't been a total waste. Although it hasn't been great. Oh well. I know I'll never be here again and I know I won't meet anyone here again. If I do meet them it will be because they were my friends. I'll miss camp and some of the people but home will be great. Being away makes me realize how lucky I am. 

I AM lucky. I have home and parents and cool clothes. I have OK grades. I'm pretty (sorta). I have an awesome bedroom. Great friends etc. It's just a matter of getting home. Can't wait. :)

Corë

SPOILER ALERT: Things at home will NOT be great.

Also, what's hotter than a short, ribbed, aqua t-shirt. UM NOTHING.

If you've been following since the beginning you can see the start of the loss of confidence about my looks. Back when I was ten I was positive I was crazy pretty. Third prettiest in the whole grade, to be exact. Now I immediately backtrack on my confidence about my attractiveness. It's sort of tragic. A tragic parenthetical.

Good thing I've learned so much about myself, and about others. (I assume what I really mean is that I have learned how much better than everyone else I am? Or how misunderstood and deep I am?)

Lastly, I would totally love some french toast sticks right about now. That sounds amazing!

More Tantrums at Camp

August 9, 1996

Dear Beth,

I'm so sad and I can't think of any way to be happy besides thinking about going home. Last night was a fake auction thing. We won Caitlin, a counselor, as a slave and then my idiotic cabin decided to also bid for fishing during rest hour. I was screaming at them not to but they did and we fucking won it. So I was mad. They stay up late, we wake up early. And then they take away my rest hour to go fishing. So then they all go to The Point to (what else?) talk about me! Ellen was there and she walked away from the conversation to find me sobbing alone in the cabin. We talked it out. She knows I'm sad because of stuff with my family. And I'm not used to being unpopular. I don't know what to do. I know it's only seven days but I am so sad. I don't have any friends. On the last day of camp no one is going to huge me and say goodbye. My only solution is to tell Ellen to tell them what is bothering me with family stuff, and explain that anything can set me off. 

BETH THIS WAS ONE OF THE WORST EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE!! 

Love,
Corë

Awwww little Corey. Or Corë. So painful to read this. I literally at this point in my camp experience want to do nothing but sleep. And I can't deal with it if one day of sleeping time is compromised. This is literally a fight about me not getting a nap. It's like I reverted from 13 to 3 in the course of one summer.

Or maybe this is what being 13 is like sometimes.

Thanks, Ellen, for coming through. I knew you would.

The line "I'm not used to being unpopular" kills me. KILLS ME. It hurts. If a 13 year old in your life is acting massively irritating, be kind to her, on behalf of 13 year old Corë.

More Sad Missives From Camp. More Umlauts.

August 7, 1996
Beth,
I think the way you can tell if someone is your friend or not is if you feel uncomfortable saying things that are important to you-- then she isn't really your friend. Cece isn't my friend. Every time I say something I worry about what she's going to say. She always has some random bad comment. I don't understand why she can never agree with me or at least respect what I'm saying. It's really sad because she was so great last year and this year she's just not. It makes me really sad. 

Love,
Corë

A rare moment of actual valid insight. Too bad I'm still using an umlaut, so I can't take my 13 year old self seriously.

August 8, 1996
Bethany, 
Camp is over soon! Just 8 days. I hope it goes fast. I also hope we get a double rest hour. I'm tired. I'm very tired and I have a little half headache thing. My analogy that makes me feel better : You look forward to Christmas for a long time. On Christmas you're psyched. But the excitement wears off after the initial happiness. SO 8 days isn't very long, but it's nice to have something to look forward to. When I get home I'll appreciate it. The only really, truly bad thing is tennis. I mean, I don't like having freedom, etc. but tennis is what makes it BAD. 
I'll make it! Can't wait. Remember: It will happen! 
Love,
Corë 

Poor Little Corey. I feel like she was so depressed. Every entry in this period of time is all tiredness and headaches. And reading Cynthia Voight, so at least I had that. I'm also unclear on what was so awful about tennis, but it, too, shows up in every entry from these four weeks at camp.
I also have no idea what this analogy means. I think I have not yet mastered analogies yet.
Umlaut: you haunt me.

In which I contemplate a BERET.

Hey Beth!

I WANT TO GO FUCKING HOME!!!

I had so much fun with my family! I got a Crazy Creek chair, jean overalls and the coolest jeans. They are wide-legged. They look good on me, I think. I'm going for a totally new style this year. I'm going to buy this really cool beret and look all hippie-ish. I want to grow my hair longer and get like platform-type shoes. I'm so psyched. And I want cool dresses. And I have this awesome new shirt that mom gave me and I'm going to spray chamomile tea in my hair and it will turn lighter. I have TONS of fake tattoos now. Like 30 or so that I wear a lot. I can't wait! GET ME HOME!

love,
Corë

Still using the umlaut.
And now planning on wearing a beret.

The cool won't stop.

Changing My Name, Changing Everything.

July 31, 1996

Bethy,

Hi! I just got back from the best evening activity-- Casino night! We got to dress up in costumes and we got fake money. Tina and I pooled our fake money and worked together and at the end we had $940! In a few days we get to go to an auction where they auction off cool things like counselors as servants or trips to the ice cream store. I can't wait. Oh, by the way, these things are shared as a cabin. 

I can't wait-- only 17 days left of camp. I'm kinda psyched. Mom, Dad and my brother and his girlfriend are ALL coming Saturday or Sunday for the whole day. Doesn't that rule? Yea! I really miss my bedroom, isn't that strange? 

Oh I almost forgot that after camp on the 25th I go to Bermuda for a few days. Won't that be fun? I know it will be! I LOVE summer!

Corë

The most important thing about this entry is that I mysteriously change the spelling of my name from Corey to Corë. Note the umlaut. It was part of my exciting new identity. I insisted that my parents use this spelling in their letters to me. Strangely, they happily complied. I actually think they thought it was cool? There is such a thing as being too supportive.

That said, I'm going back to the super cool spelling. Please call my Corë from now on. I'm alerting my publisher so they get my name right on my book. God I'm awesome.

List Of Everything That's Terrible

July 26, 1996

Bethany,

Lots of news! First off, I got the part of Rafiki in The Lion King. I don't know if it's bad or good-- good  I think. Got a package from Jen. Unfortunately it was mostly candy and they took it away, even though she hid it wicked well. I got another letter from Dad with a wicked funny article. 

Awful news. You remember that letter I told Jillian to give Bryan?She gave it to him and he showed ut to everyone on the beach and now they all know I like(d) him! I HATE HIM SO MUCH! 

I don't understand why he would do that. He obviously doesn't like me but I thought we were at least friends. If he really valued our friendship he that wouldn't have happened. So now let's list everything that's wrong with my life:

1. I haven't gone out with a guy for more than 8 months. 
2. They guy I like couldn't care less about me. 
3. My brother is leaving me alone with my mom and dad. 
4. For some reason the camp I loved last year just isn't the same this year.
5. Someone I thought was a good friend sorta uses me.
6. One of the most special friends I've ever had is moving to Germany possibly. 
7. I can't get the lead in a stupid camp play, let alone ever make it to where I want to go. 

So basically I'm a stupid, untalented, friendless happy-less, boyfriendless girl.

FABULOUS JUST WHAT I NEED. 

love,
Corey

PS: At least I have Diana. 

A lesson I have learned from combing through these old journal entries? DO NOT WRITE LETTERS. I don't know if this applies to email too (PROBABLY) but it seems like any time Little Corey puts something in writing it goes terribly, terrible wrong.

This list makes me sad. And also happy, because even on a bad day, 30 year old Corey doesn't ever hate THIS many things about life. I'm interested to see when the bitterness fades.

In which my stuffed animal kills itself.

July 26, 1996

Hi Bethy,

You know what Ellen is doing now? Complaining about camp! ELLEN! She LOVES camp! She is just a Brenda wanna-be. Brenda is just into saying how stupid camp is. We did this Mardi Gras party thing that (up to a point) was pretty cool. We got candy and made masks and stuff. Ellen and Brenda actually LEFT. They just left Hiland Hall and came to the cabin. That is SO NOT ELLEN!!! It pisses me off. She shouldn't go around, like, changing who she is to fit whoever she wants to be friends with. It's not fair to people who have been friends from before, know what I mean? I don't know what the fudge she is doing. Why she is so into Brenda. I hate it. 

GRRRR. 

July 27, 1996

Hi Bethany,

We had a HUGE cabin fight. Me, Brenda, and Ellen mostly. A group of cabinmates hung my stuffed animal Tammy on the window string and wrote a suicide note. All during Free Choice time I cried and rested. I was pissed. Then I came back from evening activity and Tammy was hung again. I cried and yelled at Ellen and Brenda (who were the main people in the second hanging). Then we had a cabin meeting etc. Brenda and I made up. She wrote me a really sincere, sweet note. Ellen  cried a little, but it was a bad cry. I didn't like the way she cried. 

love,
Corey

What is important to note about this entire story is that I completely forgot all about it. Ellen, however, recently contacted me and remembered ALL about it, down to my stuffed animal's name. I didn't remember Tammy getting hung at all, and basically can't even read this entries without cracking up. Also, important to note that Ellen is one of the loveliest people you'll ever meet. And from what I understand, she had a pretty awful summer at camp that year, too. Uh, basically the moral of the story is that growing up is hard.

There's something so simple and perfect about this prank. And about the way that 13 year olds grow up at different paces and experiment with rebellion at different paces. I think that's what makes this age so hard. Even if you are six months or a year apart from each other, in terms of growing into adolescence, it's full on traumatic. I wasn't ready to let go of stuffed animals and arts and crafts and being a little girl, but I knew it was right around the corner. And that's why I love these entries. I'm so scared and Ellen probably is too, and we don't know how to deal with alllllll the changes that come with being 13 and away from home and around brand new friends.

But man. The image of my stuffed animal hanging from the window with a suicide note attached to it's fur? Amazing. Truly, truly amazing.

Also, what is bad crying? How did I not like the way she cried?? Something I will never understand about Little Corey.