I am the best actress at camp. But no one knows it.

July 25, 1996

Beth,

I want to get a letter from Caroline. She is supposed to give a friendly letter to Bryan (HEART). He is supposed to write me too, but Caroline promised she would write me as soon as she gave him the letter, and she would write me what he thought of it and all. I got a letter from Mom and a package from Gramma and Pop-Pop. In it was a stupid magazine, a puzzle thing, mad libs, and a note from them. It's not very cool but I like packages so it's okay if it's not awesome, of course. But no letters from Caroline. KEEP ME IN SUSPENSE MUCH?? How annoying. Maybe tomorrow. 

At free choice today I'm auditioning for the camp play: The Lion King. I tried out last year but didn't get in. I don't know why either. I mean-- I'm pretty good. Definitely one of the best and most experienced actresses here. Not braggingly, but after all I have been PAID for acting. So I'm nervous that I won't make it. I think I will though. PRAY for me. 

Tonight Cece and I are singing a wicked stupid/silly song for campfire. And Sunday Night Campfire, Taylor, Cece and I are doing a skit about perseverance and understanding (this week's theme). 

I'M SO NERVOUS ABOUT AUDITIONS! I'm singing a song from Into The Woods. Wish me luck. Actually you can't because you're a journal!! 

Love,
Corey

I'm really glad I've been able to keep my humility in check with my acting abilities. Sigh.

And can you guess how my letter to Bryan is going to go?? CAN YOU? I mean, I don't want to shock you, but guys are not that into weird letters expressing your feelings when they are like 12. I can't confirm how they feel about it at 30, because I did finally stop doing it. But I'm going to guess it's never a good idea.

Also, I love my fake generosity about the care package from my grandparents. Clearly, I sort of know I'm supposed to think it's the thought that counts. But that ultimately I want cool presents.

Deep Thoughts at Camp

FROM CAMP
July 24. 1996

Bethany,

Hi! I got a great compliment. These two girls, Mary and Rachel, asked me how old I was. I said 13 and they said I looked really old. You know, like, I had a really mature face. Isn't that cool? 

I realized this year I'm never hyper. Cece pointed out that I'm always reading and writing. I'm so mellow. How strange. I never thought of myself that way but it's true. I was hyper once for a little while. But actually normally I'm totally laid back this year at camp. Not off the wall. In some ways it sort of upsets me. Everyone is joking and laughing and like jumping around the room and all I want to do is read and write. Isn't the strange? I think maybe it's because of my period which I'm having again. =( It should be over soon. 

Love,
Corey

And thus begins, like, five years of me feeling awkward around people having too much fun and not understanding why I'm suddenly all quiet and wanting to read and write all the time, and missing the part of myself that knew how to be all obnoxious and crazy, like a normal teenager.

And the book I'm reading at camp? SOPHIE'S WORLD. A novel about philosophy. Because I am now that girl. Maybe that's how my face got so mature??

The Love of My Life, Who I Hated Last Week

July 19. 1996

Bethany,

I think I actually love(d) Bryan. We're perfect for each other. I know it. Everything about it was new. I think I truly found my first love in him. He won't admit to even liking me. I think he does. He lives in California though. He has a girlfriend-- Wendy-- back there. But I think he knows we were meant for each other. I wrote him a letter for Jillian to give him after I leave for camp in two days. 

What I felt doesn't matter too much. It's sad but true. I have intense feelings for him but it doesn't matter. Living in the same time zone might be nice. We live different lives. He has never seen snow. I think I've seen way too much. Things like that. In that sense we are total opposites. On the other hand could it be possible that God meant for us to be together? We're both blonde, short, sarcastic, kind, happy, fast, tennis players, smart, etc. He's what I want. Some bitch in California got him instead, Story of my life. I'm 13. I've had only two boyfriends. I want more. If I don't get one this year...

If only something could have happened between Bryan and I. Why if we're so meant for each other do we live so far apart? It has to be fate that we both go to New Hampshire during the summers. Maybe he'll move to MA. I could even be content with New England. 

i'm getting over him. I can't love him from such a distance. In the dead of winter I won't even remember what Bryan Smith looks like. I have so much else. Maybe guys at school with like me more this year. Hope so! 

Love ya,

Corey

It must be mentioned that three entries ago I say Bryan is super weird and I don't like him anymore. So, re-read the entry with that in mind. That was approximately two weeks before this entry was written. Oh, TIME. 

Also you know Little Corey's serious when she starts writing LETTERS. That's always the sign that shit's getting real. Little Corey looooves writing letters to boys (or, sometimes, friends she now hates) about her deep feelings. Little Corey is also always convinced they will DO SOMETHING. They never do. 

I love that we cannot be together because I know snow so intimately and he does not. Damn I'm profound. Also, where's the God thing coming from? Was I going through some little religious phase? I totally went for it with the God talk... unexpected! Powerful! God cares about my Little Love Life! 

Most importantly: HOW MANY BOYFRIENDS DO I THINK I SHOULD HAVE HAD BY 13??? With such how expectations how will I ever be satisfied? (hint: I will never be satisfied. That is Corey's way, both Little and Old). 

Fate. Love. God. Playing Tennis. Being short and sarcastic. The passage of time. The way memories fade. This entry's got it all.